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(that feeling that i need to apologys for venting on my own account because i should nake 'real' art instead of hashing around the same themes)
I feel irritated most days in the back of my head. Imagine feeling a sense of thankful to a family that wouldt want to know youre an atheist bi-sexual, where you cant just leave for the day because youre up in the hills, where you cant keep track of your paperwork and numbers because of brain damage (until recent). Where you havent had more than a few hugs and intimacy in 3 years. imagine lossing your early 30s' to brain damage, knowing your youth is slipping away. I should be thankful I'm alive, that disability programs are covering my retraining, that I only have a few more months until I get to start that new chapter, 30's still young... I'm just mad. mad, lonely, very limited privacy (good chance fam is watching this account, hi dad!). Is hard having to baulince being thankful for a family willing to throw everything at keeping ya alive, but being %100 ok with just dying there n then, and not wanting to be alive if i cant be 'me'. dont want to hurt family for being generous.
Its that feeling of, why am i alive if I cant be the real me. Heres some math;
~2anim a day at $700; 1.4k a day
~7 days work; 9.8/week
~4 weeks a month; 39.2k/month
~12month; 370k / year
~3years away; 1,411k of loss due to staying here,
...and thats a middle estimate, ive done 3-4 anims a day manny a time, maybe ill estimate that to cover holidays off.
Although I am disabled for reals, my numbers n words are shit (thank god for auto correct) in hindsight I probobly could have just hired someone to manage my finances, though i dont think id be able to get as much comm traffic how considering the state of america right now so more estimate for thought then 100% accurate.
I'm an impatient shit per my personality, wanting a hug, doin good all things considered, mourning the loss of things that are what they are. 3years out and im still being a bit of a baby about things and probobly shouldnt try processing this to my audience or vent but here i am.
I'm lonely.
I feel irritated most days in the back of my head. Imagine feeling a sense of thankful to a family that wouldt want to know youre an atheist bi-sexual, where you cant just leave for the day because youre up in the hills, where you cant keep track of your paperwork and numbers because of brain damage (until recent). Where you havent had more than a few hugs and intimacy in 3 years. imagine lossing your early 30s' to brain damage, knowing your youth is slipping away. I should be thankful I'm alive, that disability programs are covering my retraining, that I only have a few more months until I get to start that new chapter, 30's still young... I'm just mad. mad, lonely, very limited privacy (good chance fam is watching this account, hi dad!). Is hard having to baulince being thankful for a family willing to throw everything at keeping ya alive, but being %100 ok with just dying there n then, and not wanting to be alive if i cant be 'me'. dont want to hurt family for being generous.
Its that feeling of, why am i alive if I cant be the real me. Heres some math;
~2anim a day at $700; 1.4k a day
~7 days work; 9.8/week
~4 weeks a month; 39.2k/month
~12month; 370k / year
~3years away; 1,411k of loss due to staying here,
...and thats a middle estimate, ive done 3-4 anims a day manny a time, maybe ill estimate that to cover holidays off.
Although I am disabled for reals, my numbers n words are shit (thank god for auto correct) in hindsight I probobly could have just hired someone to manage my finances, though i dont think id be able to get as much comm traffic how considering the state of america right now so more estimate for thought then 100% accurate.
I'm an impatient shit per my personality, wanting a hug, doin good all things considered, mourning the loss of things that are what they are. 3years out and im still being a bit of a baby about things and probobly shouldnt try processing this to my audience or vent but here i am.
I'm lonely.
Category All / All
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File Size 900.9 kB
It is totally valid to not only want to be taken care of physically, but feeling comfort mentally as well. It doesn't devalue your gratitute towards what your family does to you, so please don't feel like the frustration you are feeling makes you ungrateful in some way, or another. Our body is resilient and can take a lot, you are a living example of pulling through something, that for most was end of the rope, but that's not the same for our psychological health, that pilots the body. Your frustration and anger is valid and doesn't make you less.
I understand how starting a new chapter mid thirties feels incredibly discouraging due to so much of life foundation been lost. I hope you will see, that it doesn't have to be seen as a competition, or a race to the top against others, you owe safety and happiness only to yourself, so please take all the time you need, there is no such thing as being late to it. As well as now you can have clear priorities of what you want and who you want beside you, as well as what deserves your time, and what is not.
I wish you all the best in a new chapter and finding all the love and comfort you deserve!
I understand how starting a new chapter mid thirties feels incredibly discouraging due to so much of life foundation been lost. I hope you will see, that it doesn't have to be seen as a competition, or a race to the top against others, you owe safety and happiness only to yourself, so please take all the time you need, there is no such thing as being late to it. As well as now you can have clear priorities of what you want and who you want beside you, as well as what deserves your time, and what is not.
I wish you all the best in a new chapter and finding all the love and comfort you deserve!
Your pain of feeling this frustration is understandable.
As it's been said, life is not a race and life can put anyone through a personal hell in any way.
I believe you can do this and that you are stronger than you give yourself credit, you have made it this far even with losing so much.
It just sucks to be in a position you don't want be in and it's easier said than done, moving forward (which you are) is the only thing you can do.
As it's been said, life is not a race and life can put anyone through a personal hell in any way.
I believe you can do this and that you are stronger than you give yourself credit, you have made it this far even with losing so much.
It just sucks to be in a position you don't want be in and it's easier said than done, moving forward (which you are) is the only thing you can do.
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