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In a world torn asunder in the dark past and awaiting an impending calamity, one man seeks to restore the name and honor wrongfully taken from his father when he was a child. This is the story of the Omega Archer, whose actions would change the face of the world forever.
Omega Archer Ryouji was spawned conceptually from its title, which occured to me while playing an MMORPG. The characters, the setting, and plot have all unravelled themselves since, from just those three words.
Those who may have seen this story previously will note that this is version two of chapter one and the prologue. Since this isn't meant to be a novel, but a written preview for what will hopefully become visual media one day, I have decided name the chapters "episodes". The chapter itself has undergone severe revision, and plays out in a completely different manner than its first incarnation (I also made a knifty new thumbnail icon!). As always, constructive comments are more than welcome; and if you read it, please give me some idea of what you thought. I'm writing this to be entertaining, and I'll never know what readers think of it unless they tell me.
I shouldn't have to say it, but all characters, settings, events and names are my intellectual property. Please don't steal them.
EDIT: Reuploaded 12/19/07 to take advantage of new formatting! I took out the introduction, messed with a few things, and addressed at least one concern.
NOTE FOR CRITIQUERS: I am very much open to critique on this story, and all of its subsequent chapters. However, please note: the final draft of this will not be written fiction. Therefore, I ask that you please do not critique the writing itself unless there is major confusion that upsets your ability to follow the story. I am primarily interested in critique on plotting, characterization, and dialogue. Thank you. :3
In a world torn asunder in the dark past and awaiting an impending calamity, one man seeks to restore the name and honor wrongfully taken from his father when he was a child. This is the story of the Omega Archer, whose actions would change the face of the world forever.
Omega Archer Ryouji was spawned conceptually from its title, which occured to me while playing an MMORPG. The characters, the setting, and plot have all unravelled themselves since, from just those three words.
Those who may have seen this story previously will note that this is version two of chapter one and the prologue. Since this isn't meant to be a novel, but a written preview for what will hopefully become visual media one day, I have decided name the chapters "episodes". The chapter itself has undergone severe revision, and plays out in a completely different manner than its first incarnation (I also made a knifty new thumbnail icon!). As always, constructive comments are more than welcome; and if you read it, please give me some idea of what you thought. I'm writing this to be entertaining, and I'll never know what readers think of it unless they tell me.
I shouldn't have to say it, but all characters, settings, events and names are my intellectual property. Please don't steal them.
EDIT: Reuploaded 12/19/07 to take advantage of new formatting! I took out the introduction, messed with a few things, and addressed at least one concern.
NOTE FOR CRITIQUERS: I am very much open to critique on this story, and all of its subsequent chapters. However, please note: the final draft of this will not be written fiction. Therefore, I ask that you please do not critique the writing itself unless there is major confusion that upsets your ability to follow the story. I am primarily interested in critique on plotting, characterization, and dialogue. Thank you. :3
Category Story / Anime
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 120 x 120px
File Size 18.7 kB
Listed in Folders
I generally loved the starting plot and the setting. The dialog was good and fairly easy to follow.
A few things that may need work; Caramel doesn't have much of a description other than she's a woman, so it's rather hard to picture her. What is the color of her hair? Eyes? Her height? Is she thin, medium weight, pudgy? I have no clue.
One scene I had a bit of trouble with was the scene with the air pirates; particularly the dandy. At one point he was changed from dandy to air buckler, and this almost threw me for a loop. I'd say just keep to one designation for the minor characters.
How was that? First time crit-ing a story on plot.
A few things that may need work; Caramel doesn't have much of a description other than she's a woman, so it's rather hard to picture her. What is the color of her hair? Eyes? Her height? Is she thin, medium weight, pudgy? I have no clue.
One scene I had a bit of trouble with was the scene with the air pirates; particularly the dandy. At one point he was changed from dandy to air buckler, and this almost threw me for a loop. I'd say just keep to one designation for the minor characters.
How was that? First time crit-ing a story on plot.
ZOMG, it worked. :D
Carmel's description is something that's been troubling me, not so much because I don't know what she looks like (that's only partially true), but because I have no idea where to put it. I've thrown in a few things in later chapters about her appearance; I do know for certain that the first episode was not the place to describe her, since her viewpoint is the one we get the most. Few things irk me more than a limited narrator taking a moment to describe themselves for us. I mean, really, who does that?
Thinking about it, I should have done that in Episode 2, when they disembark. Of course, once this tranfers to a visual format, it won't be as big a problem, but I think you're right, I ought to make sure we know what she looks like, assuredly, at some point.
Gonna continue reading? <:D
Carmel's description is something that's been troubling me, not so much because I don't know what she looks like (that's only partially true), but because I have no idea where to put it. I've thrown in a few things in later chapters about her appearance; I do know for certain that the first episode was not the place to describe her, since her viewpoint is the one we get the most. Few things irk me more than a limited narrator taking a moment to describe themselves for us. I mean, really, who does that?
Thinking about it, I should have done that in Episode 2, when they disembark. Of course, once this tranfers to a visual format, it won't be as big a problem, but I think you're right, I ought to make sure we know what she looks like, assuredly, at some point.
Gonna continue reading? <:D
I wanted to give the "Looking for crit" thread a good head start before I start my major works there, as I've already bookmarked it for when later post come in.
Anyway glad to have helped; also when I have time I will go over future chapters. This is pretty interesting and I definitely like how well structured your style is.
Anyway glad to have helped; also when I have time I will go over future chapters. This is pretty interesting and I definitely like how well structured your style is.
the story flows fairly well over all except for a place or two where it feels like you start over using words.
About Carmel, While Idon't think we need a full description of her, I think you could slip details here and there do give us an indication of what she looks like and the kind of person she is.
at this point her personality seem rather blanc, which comes across as odd once we find outshe's a bard. it feel almost like she isn't actually there and with the focus shifting so solidly to the archer why he show up it almost reenforced that fact.
Based on the way she is in this part, and that the story doesn't seem to be about her I'm left wondering if telling the story through her eyes is the best way to go
About Carmel, While Idon't think we need a full description of her, I think you could slip details here and there do give us an indication of what she looks like and the kind of person she is.
at this point her personality seem rather blanc, which comes across as odd once we find outshe's a bard. it feel almost like she isn't actually there and with the focus shifting so solidly to the archer why he show up it almost reenforced that fact.
Based on the way she is in this part, and that the story doesn't seem to be about her I'm left wondering if telling the story through her eyes is the best way to go
Somehow, the first episode just comes out naturally through Carmel's eyes. This is my second draft, FYI, and both times I've written it from her perspective. I'm sort of using her as a metaphor for the readers themselves, giving us those ever elusive descriptions of our title character. And while I've started off with her POV, that changes in Episode 2, and then shifts freely between various characters as the piece progresses. I do appreciate your concerns, and thank you for the feedback. I'm beginning to think about this story in a new light thanks to all this attention. ^v^
I'm honestly astounded every time I come back here to take a glance at your work - You asked for criticism, yet I find it difficult to give any on work that I'd think is far better than my own. It's difficult to see anything wrong, It's easy enough to understand what's going on and how the situation plays out, you set a backstory rather well, and cause us to draw an interest in both Carmel and the mysterious Archer, as well as how the villainous Captains threat may possibly come back at a later date.
Though yeah, the lack of description of some of the characters leaves alot to the imagination (Which has been said by others) but it could be a progressive way to make the readers think, and invent a person in their own minds eye that they like - the only dissapointment to that method may be if later on you start adding characteristics to them "Her aubern hair flips within the torrent of the wind" then they go from, say, a blonde in their minds eye to an aubern, and sort of bothers them. So if you are going to leave their characteristics blank, then it should work. Also, this sounds far fetched, but it happens, and in the Harry Potter movies Ron, Hermione, and Harry all look way different than I pictured them, which bothers me a bit, but meh, I guess I'll get over it. Then again, who can accurately find a character they imagined and the character to play that person in a movie!? Anyways! Overall good story, but perhaps a tad more description in some aspects ^-^
The only thing I can other than that is: I demand to see what comes of these characters at a possible later date! I've grown interested, and once I start a story I can't stop until I finish it, no matter how long the story goes (for example, I have not and will not stop reading The Wheel of Time series until it is finished, yet since the author died I suppose I'll have to read to the last book and imagine my own ending)
Though yeah, the lack of description of some of the characters leaves alot to the imagination (Which has been said by others) but it could be a progressive way to make the readers think, and invent a person in their own minds eye that they like - the only dissapointment to that method may be if later on you start adding characteristics to them "Her aubern hair flips within the torrent of the wind" then they go from, say, a blonde in their minds eye to an aubern, and sort of bothers them. So if you are going to leave their characteristics blank, then it should work. Also, this sounds far fetched, but it happens, and in the Harry Potter movies Ron, Hermione, and Harry all look way different than I pictured them, which bothers me a bit, but meh, I guess I'll get over it. Then again, who can accurately find a character they imagined and the character to play that person in a movie!? Anyways! Overall good story, but perhaps a tad more description in some aspects ^-^
The only thing I can other than that is: I demand to see what comes of these characters at a possible later date! I've grown interested, and once I start a story I can't stop until I finish it, no matter how long the story goes (for example, I have not and will not stop reading The Wheel of Time series until it is finished, yet since the author died I suppose I'll have to read to the last book and imagine my own ending)
Well, positive feedback is greatly appreciated as well. ^v^ It's useful to know what I'm doing right, so I can keep doing it! I may very well have to revise Episode 2 at this rate, with some description of Carmel, so everyone who's read this first chapter recently can get what they asked for. XD Thank you for the comments.
Don't be afraid of that. Some people are better at taking crits than others, that's for sure, but those who aren't good at it need to learn how. Just comment on what things you feel comfortable commenting on, focus on what you know works well in writing. And, at the very least, just mention things that stood out as you read, for better or worse. :)
I think I'll just give some blunt comments, here.
First off, I'd scrap entirely that intro couple of paragraphs. It's an unneeded lesson in history, which isn't a good way to start. I think what would be better is if you incorporated all of that information throughout the story, rather than just dumping it all on the reader right at the beginning. I mean... I'm not going to remember most of it this way (I already don't). It's a bit on the cliché side, too... but I think people would forgive you that if you didn't just explicitly show it.
Otherwise, I thought it was really well-written. 'Carmel' is a great name; I liked her immediately just because of that, and the fact that she's a bard is even better. I'll go against the flow here, too, and say that I wasn't bothered by the lack of description. Maybe you could stick in one or two traits you might think are important, but I don't see that it would be so bad if it waits for the next chapter. There's enough awesome stuff going on here (loved the scene when she walks in on all the pirates) that too much description would definitely seem out of place.
The archer... I know the story's supposed to center around him, but I'll just outright say I'm not a big fan already. He seems a little TOO perfect, if you know what I mean. I like characters to have color, and right now this guy feels like he's just a bright white. But I am a cynic, too.
Oh, and I would definitely change the name of his magic spell. I mean... 'holy fletch?' I literally burst out laughing when I read that, which, I assume, isn't your desired effect. It sounds like something someone would shout out after getting punched in the face.
Yeah... but overall I thought it was great. You've got action-packed down to a real art.
BTW, person who posted above me. I heard that Robert Jordan's son is finishing the last book for him, so I think we actually will get an ending. If not, though, I know your pain. So many thousands of pages....
First off, I'd scrap entirely that intro couple of paragraphs. It's an unneeded lesson in history, which isn't a good way to start. I think what would be better is if you incorporated all of that information throughout the story, rather than just dumping it all on the reader right at the beginning. I mean... I'm not going to remember most of it this way (I already don't). It's a bit on the cliché side, too... but I think people would forgive you that if you didn't just explicitly show it.
Otherwise, I thought it was really well-written. 'Carmel' is a great name; I liked her immediately just because of that, and the fact that she's a bard is even better. I'll go against the flow here, too, and say that I wasn't bothered by the lack of description. Maybe you could stick in one or two traits you might think are important, but I don't see that it would be so bad if it waits for the next chapter. There's enough awesome stuff going on here (loved the scene when she walks in on all the pirates) that too much description would definitely seem out of place.
The archer... I know the story's supposed to center around him, but I'll just outright say I'm not a big fan already. He seems a little TOO perfect, if you know what I mean. I like characters to have color, and right now this guy feels like he's just a bright white. But I am a cynic, too.
Oh, and I would definitely change the name of his magic spell. I mean... 'holy fletch?' I literally burst out laughing when I read that, which, I assume, isn't your desired effect. It sounds like something someone would shout out after getting punched in the face.
Yeah... but overall I thought it was great. You've got action-packed down to a real art.
BTW, person who posted above me. I heard that Robert Jordan's son is finishing the last book for him, so I think we actually will get an ending. If not, though, I know your pain. So many thousands of pages....
Well, the intro (which I'll admit is a little sloppy) is shoved to the front specifically because I don't think I could possibly fit it into the story any way else. That's what I would do normally, you see, but things like the history of the world aren't bits of information that characters in that world tend to go around discussing at length. So while it may need a rewrite (hell, what doesn't?), it's going to stay as-is. Unless some major idea hits me for incorporation into the story.
Ryouji's appearance in this chapter is definitely meant to give a strong "I'M THE HERO!" impression on the reader (which may not be a great thing, as you just pointed out). He mops up the bad guys because they're A) idiots, and B) considerably less well trained than he is. Hopefully, fights and dialogue in the next two chapters will level his playing field and reveal character flaws (his are mostly in his head).
And, well, what would you name an attack consisting of a single arrow powered by holy white fire, huh? ;P I'll admit the names are pretty spur-of-the-moment, though that moment was a few months ago, when I came up with all of them. Again, I'll admit that naming attacks is something I've never really done before, and I'm not completely happy with all of them. I'm open to suggestions! ^v^
Ryouji's appearance in this chapter is definitely meant to give a strong "I'M THE HERO!" impression on the reader (which may not be a great thing, as you just pointed out). He mops up the bad guys because they're A) idiots, and B) considerably less well trained than he is. Hopefully, fights and dialogue in the next two chapters will level his playing field and reveal character flaws (his are mostly in his head).
And, well, what would you name an attack consisting of a single arrow powered by holy white fire, huh? ;P I'll admit the names are pretty spur-of-the-moment, though that moment was a few months ago, when I came up with all of them. Again, I'll admit that naming attacks is something I've never really done before, and I'm not completely happy with all of them. I'm open to suggestions! ^v^
Well... then I can't help you. Because I think it ALWAYS sounds bad when characters shout the names of their attacks. : ) Maybe go through a Street Fighter instruction booklet and see if anything sparks cool ideas? If he's supposed to be oriental, you could use some Mandarin or Japanese word, maybe?
Nevermind... I got nothin'.
Nevermind... I got nothin'.
Very well written. The beginning was a little slow, and I tend to agree with MLR's comment that there may be some unneeded information at the start. But then, I can understand your reply that you couldn't find anywhere else to put it. Maybe you can narrow the info down a bit and filter it in later...I don't know. Like I said, very well done. And this really isn't a genre I tend to flock too, but you grabbed my attention and held my interest.
The hook is horribly cliche and uninteresting. A special man, with some clothes, and a place. Absolutely _nothing happens." Try opening directly with interesting narrative, or character action/interaction. If a story is a product, then the first few sentences is the advertisement.
Second and third paragraphs: are you trying to make the reader uninterested? This entire paragraph is _about how boring things are_. The entire paragraph has no other purpose than this.
First section of dialogue: the characters immediately strike me as unrealistic and absurd. They feel as if they are soap opera characters in a fantasy or steampunk world.
This is as far as I got. You need to rethink your writing entirely. The best way is to do it steam-of-mind; just write, using your normal vocabulary, while closing your eyes and imagining events in your mind.
Style: the style of writing seems rote, almost technical, and as if you had a thesaurus beside you while writing it. With few exceptions, never use words you are unfamiliar with, otherwise it seems artificial. You want to own every word in your writing, to understand it beyond the definition. This can only be done through reading.
Second and third paragraphs: are you trying to make the reader uninterested? This entire paragraph is _about how boring things are_. The entire paragraph has no other purpose than this.
First section of dialogue: the characters immediately strike me as unrealistic and absurd. They feel as if they are soap opera characters in a fantasy or steampunk world.
This is as far as I got. You need to rethink your writing entirely. The best way is to do it steam-of-mind; just write, using your normal vocabulary, while closing your eyes and imagining events in your mind.
Style: the style of writing seems rote, almost technical, and as if you had a thesaurus beside you while writing it. With few exceptions, never use words you are unfamiliar with, otherwise it seems artificial. You want to own every word in your writing, to understand it beyond the definition. This can only be done through reading.
I've heard it all. :P I do feel like this first chapter was fairly immature, with me having come out of a two-year writing slump to produce it, but the series and the characters have grown and evolved in ways the early parts don't really demonstrate. Of course, this isn't the finished version by any means, and the narration problems aren't important. ^v^
As for the characters, well, that's kind of how the genre is. Though I suspect you may not enjoy it, I'd ask that you continue reading and see if your opinion changes any. If you're not interested, then I thank you for having taken the time to find this, and leave your comment. :)
As for the characters, well, that's kind of how the genre is. Though I suspect you may not enjoy it, I'd ask that you continue reading and see if your opinion changes any. If you're not interested, then I thank you for having taken the time to find this, and leave your comment. :)
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