looking better each time

You can recreate uvs after polypainting and bake out a texture map.

Well, I tried, but whenever I try to do anything with the UVs my computer goes belly up. My base mesh is already having too high of a polycount, should have applied UVs when it was still in Sculptris.
If you have any ideas, I am open to suggestion. :P

Well, there are a couple options you can take depending on what program you're using. Since you said polypaint, I'll assume this is done in ZBrush. So, based on that assumption, the best option is to retopologize the model, take that new low-poly retopo'd model into Max, Maya, Blender, whatever to UV it, then bring that back into Zbrush to reproject the detail/colors back onto it.

I know how to sculpt things, but I have no clue how to make any of it useful. xD I like the head shape though, looks friendly.

If I can offer a suggestion you could take this into a program like blender raw and try and retopologise a easier version which you could bake onto.
Or decimate the model before hand very heavily (both sculptris and zbrush have those options) and save that out to a program such as blender and once again do a retopologise, then import back the lower model into the sculpt program and bake onto the lower one. Failing that you could export it from one sculpt program into another (say sculptris to zbrush) and follow the second step again.

If that doesnt work out due to pc power I could give it a try on one of mine if your willing.
Note me back if you want to try this out.