
This story may be a bit disturbing, just a warning, oh, and, about the US thing, I love this country, but, it is admittedly heading in a rather scary direction, so, I chose it so this story can kinda be a fable of what could happen if we do not shape up
Category Story / All
Species Western Dragon
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 22.5 kB
It's interesting, and good, though very short, and the dragon's monologue seems to ramble just a bit. Maybe cut it up into more paragraphs, and add some descriptions and actions, even if they're things as simple as a sigh or a tear, just to break up the monologue a bit.
The other thing is that the monologue comes off as a bit of an info-dump. Yes, it's exposition, and is supposed to tell us what's going on, and it does a good job of that, but once the monologue starts, it starts to feel just a bit like that's all it is, and I find it hard not to hear the dragon's voice as a monotone, simply stating what happened with no emotion. The main advice I would give, besides breaking up the monologue a bit, is to give said monologue some emotion. What draws people to a story is not so much the events themselves, as the emotions surrounding them. How did all of these things make the dragon feel, etc.?
The other thing is that the monologue comes off as a bit of an info-dump. Yes, it's exposition, and is supposed to tell us what's going on, and it does a good job of that, but once the monologue starts, it starts to feel just a bit like that's all it is, and I find it hard not to hear the dragon's voice as a monotone, simply stating what happened with no emotion. The main advice I would give, besides breaking up the monologue a bit, is to give said monologue some emotion. What draws people to a story is not so much the events themselves, as the emotions surrounding them. How did all of these things make the dragon feel, etc.?
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