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Rene has a problem so who does he talk to? A girl with a VERY large ear--Neve Oscadreja!
Category Story / Pokemon
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 37 kB
GIRL TALK
René Vulpes sat by himself in the school library. No one was around…even the librarian was in the backroom somewhere. He sighed, resting his chin in one hand and idly drumming his fingers on the table. René was so preoccupied that he didn’t even notice when someone strode into the library, until she walked over to his table, and leaned down to peer into his face.
“Earth to chica, anybody there?” René blinked and his chin slid out of his hand when he found himself staring in to the face of Neve Oscadreja. Barely catching himself before his face smacked into the table, he stared up into her face.
“Uh, yeah. Hi Neve.”
“Hey René. What’s the matter chica? Girl problems?”
“How did you know?” René blinked. Neve shrugged.
“Well, you look like you’ve got problems and you want to be a girl. Hence, girl problems.”
“Very clever.” René made a face.
“I try.”
“As long as you’re here…can I talk to you?” René asked Neve tentatively. Neve arched a brow above her sunglasses as she pointed towards her shirt. René leaned over to read it. It read ‘Don’t Talk To Me.’
“I’m going to pretend you’re not wearing that.” René commented.
“Don’t you usually wait until you get home before you do that?” Neve snickered as René blushed.
“Can I PLEEEASE talk to you?” René begged. “It’s important.” Neve sighed a bit but really wasn’t going to begrudge someone who needed her help.
“Okay, shoot.” Neve said as she sat down across from him. “What’s the problem?”
“Well there’s this girl…” René began.
“You?” Neve asked. “Sorry, couldn’t resist. Go on.”
“Anyway, I think I have a crush on her.” René admitted.
“Is this the part where I’m supposed to go ‘squee’ and ‘oh my god! Oh my god!’ and then beg you to ‘dish’ about the lucky girl?” Neve asked. “Because allow me to present—” She pointed at her face. “ ‘Girl not caring.’ If you really wanted to talk about various ways to get her to notice you you’d be better off talking to one of your teammates or Skylar or Weaver or someone actually IN a relationship right now. What is it that you want to talk to ME about?”
“Well it isn’t so much ‘how do I get her to like me,’ ” René admitted. “As it is figuring out how not to be so messed up so that I actually have a shot of having a normal relationship.”
“Care to explain that?” Neve asked.
“Well,” René started most of his sentences like that when he wasn’t sure how to proceed. “Because of…the way I am, I have trouble being seen as someone a girl can get into a relationship with.”
“You’re a guy who wants to be a girl but also wants to be in a relationship with a girl, si?” Neve asked, waiting for René to nod. “So basically you’re a male lesbian right? At least in spirit?” René covered his burning cheeks with his hands and looked around to make sure no one was listening, not that there was anyone around. When he was sure that they were alone he waggled his hand in an ‘I guess so’ gesture. “So the problem is…?”
“I’ve spent so much time trying to just be ‘one of the girls’ that I guess I’ve forgotten how to make myself attractive to girls.” René elaborated. “I mean I know how to talk to girls, how to hang out with girls: I can go shopping with them, go to the movies with them, paint each other’s nails and do our hair together, I even know how to deal with the pain during their period.” Neve just looked at René in astonishment.
“How—?”
“Midol, heating pads, tea.” He recommended. “They work wonders. Massages too. Anyway, my point is, I don’t know how to be anything other than a friend to girls anymore. Unlike other guys, I preferred being friends with girls than anything else. But now that I want one to like me…” He shrugged uncomfortably. “And it’s not like I have my parents to serve as an example of a good relationship.”
“Awww, chica I know your mom can’t be there for you anymore but I don’t think you can just write off your parents like that.” Neve offered. René just looked at her.
“On their last anniversary my dad compared my mom—who’s been in a coma for the last eight-years—to a prostitute: she does nothing but lie in bed all day and cost him money, only he doesn’t even get any ‘bang for his buck.’ His words.” René explained to a disgusted Neve. Her next few words were all in Spanish, but the gist of it was a blasphemous, incendiary desire for René’s father to do something illegal, immoral, and anatomically impossible. When she calmed down enough, Neve sighed.
“So is that the main problem? That you’re afraid that because your dad is a pendejo that you will be too?” René nodded at Neve’s shrewd assessment.
“My family life is so messed up that I don’t know if I’m even capable of getting away from it and having a normal relationship.” René sighed. Neve looked at him cock-eyed.
“You know, I love how kids with only one parent—albeit an incredibly crappy one—think they really have the market cornered on family dysfunction. But let me share with you a typical Thanksgiving at the Oscadreja household: It starts with my mother yelling at my sister for yelling at my grandmother who’s yelling at the television screen, which happens to be the microwave. And then my brother gives my father attitude for using the word negro, even though he’s referring to the turkey, which—by the way—only got burnt because instead of turning the oven off, my bipolar aunt Carla tried to shove her head in it. But you know what we do? We kiss... and we hug... and we apologize for all the things we said... ‘Cause a month later, we gonna get together and do it again at Christmas!”
“The point is,” Neve’s face softened. “That no matter how bad things may be at home, you can still have a good life and find someone who loves you regardless.”
“But how can Ni—I mean, how can anyone like me?” René all but wailed as he looked down. Neve reached out and grabbed his shoulder.
“Look chica, I’m gonna go ahead and give you a little something I call Neve’s Notable Thoughts: One; If the guy in front of me in the coffee shop can’t decide what he wants in the thirty minutes it takes for him to get to the register I should be allowed to kill him, Two; I’m fairly sure that if they took all the porn off the Internet, there’d only be one website left, and it would be called ‘Bring Back The Porn’ and, Three; And most important, to have anyone love or respect you…you have to have a little love and respect for yourself.”
“But my dad says—” René began.
“Chica? What has two thumbs and doesn’t give a crap?” Neve asked as she jerked her thumbs at herself. “Neve Oscadreja at your service. “I don’t want to hear anything out of your dad’s mouth other than ‘Oh no, I’m dying! There’s a bright light but wait a minute, this is wrong I’m in hell! There’s Hitler! Mussolini! Captain Kangaroo? That's not right.’ ” Neve had René giggling helplessly by the time she finished. “You okay now chica?”
“Yeah.” René smiled.
“Good boy.” Neve smiled as she mussed his hair playfully. “Now you go out there and start swinging those girls off their feet eh?” She got up and started to leave. Then she paused and turned back. “Oh and by the way René?” Neve smiled. “Nicole Zuna thinks you’re cute. Just FYI.”
René’s mouth dropped open and he turned bright red. He tried to choke out a response but Neve just smiled enigmatically and blew him a kiss and a wave as she left him sitting there.
THE END
Neve is © to Carlito
René is © to me
René Vulpes sat by himself in the school library. No one was around…even the librarian was in the backroom somewhere. He sighed, resting his chin in one hand and idly drumming his fingers on the table. René was so preoccupied that he didn’t even notice when someone strode into the library, until she walked over to his table, and leaned down to peer into his face.
“Earth to chica, anybody there?” René blinked and his chin slid out of his hand when he found himself staring in to the face of Neve Oscadreja. Barely catching himself before his face smacked into the table, he stared up into her face.
“Uh, yeah. Hi Neve.”
“Hey René. What’s the matter chica? Girl problems?”
“How did you know?” René blinked. Neve shrugged.
“Well, you look like you’ve got problems and you want to be a girl. Hence, girl problems.”
“Very clever.” René made a face.
“I try.”
“As long as you’re here…can I talk to you?” René asked Neve tentatively. Neve arched a brow above her sunglasses as she pointed towards her shirt. René leaned over to read it. It read ‘Don’t Talk To Me.’
“I’m going to pretend you’re not wearing that.” René commented.
“Don’t you usually wait until you get home before you do that?” Neve snickered as René blushed.
“Can I PLEEEASE talk to you?” René begged. “It’s important.” Neve sighed a bit but really wasn’t going to begrudge someone who needed her help.
“Okay, shoot.” Neve said as she sat down across from him. “What’s the problem?”
“Well there’s this girl…” René began.
“You?” Neve asked. “Sorry, couldn’t resist. Go on.”
“Anyway, I think I have a crush on her.” René admitted.
“Is this the part where I’m supposed to go ‘squee’ and ‘oh my god! Oh my god!’ and then beg you to ‘dish’ about the lucky girl?” Neve asked. “Because allow me to present—” She pointed at her face. “ ‘Girl not caring.’ If you really wanted to talk about various ways to get her to notice you you’d be better off talking to one of your teammates or Skylar or Weaver or someone actually IN a relationship right now. What is it that you want to talk to ME about?”
“Well it isn’t so much ‘how do I get her to like me,’ ” René admitted. “As it is figuring out how not to be so messed up so that I actually have a shot of having a normal relationship.”
“Care to explain that?” Neve asked.
“Well,” René started most of his sentences like that when he wasn’t sure how to proceed. “Because of…the way I am, I have trouble being seen as someone a girl can get into a relationship with.”
“You’re a guy who wants to be a girl but also wants to be in a relationship with a girl, si?” Neve asked, waiting for René to nod. “So basically you’re a male lesbian right? At least in spirit?” René covered his burning cheeks with his hands and looked around to make sure no one was listening, not that there was anyone around. When he was sure that they were alone he waggled his hand in an ‘I guess so’ gesture. “So the problem is…?”
“I’ve spent so much time trying to just be ‘one of the girls’ that I guess I’ve forgotten how to make myself attractive to girls.” René elaborated. “I mean I know how to talk to girls, how to hang out with girls: I can go shopping with them, go to the movies with them, paint each other’s nails and do our hair together, I even know how to deal with the pain during their period.” Neve just looked at René in astonishment.
“How—?”
“Midol, heating pads, tea.” He recommended. “They work wonders. Massages too. Anyway, my point is, I don’t know how to be anything other than a friend to girls anymore. Unlike other guys, I preferred being friends with girls than anything else. But now that I want one to like me…” He shrugged uncomfortably. “And it’s not like I have my parents to serve as an example of a good relationship.”
“Awww, chica I know your mom can’t be there for you anymore but I don’t think you can just write off your parents like that.” Neve offered. René just looked at her.
“On their last anniversary my dad compared my mom—who’s been in a coma for the last eight-years—to a prostitute: she does nothing but lie in bed all day and cost him money, only he doesn’t even get any ‘bang for his buck.’ His words.” René explained to a disgusted Neve. Her next few words were all in Spanish, but the gist of it was a blasphemous, incendiary desire for René’s father to do something illegal, immoral, and anatomically impossible. When she calmed down enough, Neve sighed.
“So is that the main problem? That you’re afraid that because your dad is a pendejo that you will be too?” René nodded at Neve’s shrewd assessment.
“My family life is so messed up that I don’t know if I’m even capable of getting away from it and having a normal relationship.” René sighed. Neve looked at him cock-eyed.
“You know, I love how kids with only one parent—albeit an incredibly crappy one—think they really have the market cornered on family dysfunction. But let me share with you a typical Thanksgiving at the Oscadreja household: It starts with my mother yelling at my sister for yelling at my grandmother who’s yelling at the television screen, which happens to be the microwave. And then my brother gives my father attitude for using the word negro, even though he’s referring to the turkey, which—by the way—only got burnt because instead of turning the oven off, my bipolar aunt Carla tried to shove her head in it. But you know what we do? We kiss... and we hug... and we apologize for all the things we said... ‘Cause a month later, we gonna get together and do it again at Christmas!”
“The point is,” Neve’s face softened. “That no matter how bad things may be at home, you can still have a good life and find someone who loves you regardless.”
“But how can Ni—I mean, how can anyone like me?” René all but wailed as he looked down. Neve reached out and grabbed his shoulder.
“Look chica, I’m gonna go ahead and give you a little something I call Neve’s Notable Thoughts: One; If the guy in front of me in the coffee shop can’t decide what he wants in the thirty minutes it takes for him to get to the register I should be allowed to kill him, Two; I’m fairly sure that if they took all the porn off the Internet, there’d only be one website left, and it would be called ‘Bring Back The Porn’ and, Three; And most important, to have anyone love or respect you…you have to have a little love and respect for yourself.”
“But my dad says—” René began.
“Chica? What has two thumbs and doesn’t give a crap?” Neve asked as she jerked her thumbs at herself. “Neve Oscadreja at your service. “I don’t want to hear anything out of your dad’s mouth other than ‘Oh no, I’m dying! There’s a bright light but wait a minute, this is wrong I’m in hell! There’s Hitler! Mussolini! Captain Kangaroo? That's not right.’ ” Neve had René giggling helplessly by the time she finished. “You okay now chica?”
“Yeah.” René smiled.
“Good boy.” Neve smiled as she mussed his hair playfully. “Now you go out there and start swinging those girls off their feet eh?” She got up and started to leave. Then she paused and turned back. “Oh and by the way René?” Neve smiled. “Nicole Zuna thinks you’re cute. Just FYI.”
René’s mouth dropped open and he turned bright red. He tried to choke out a response but Neve just smiled enigmatically and blew him a kiss and a wave as she left him sitting there.
THE END
Neve is © to Carlito
René is © to me
Oh sometimes, just as long as they don't all realize it at once, she's good ;)
Oddly the one who would most identify with Rene would be Dominic, since he's in pretty much the same boat. He has a lot of female friends but they're all "just friends", as they see him as kind of harmless. He tries but it's awfully frustrating.
Oddly the one who would most identify with Rene would be Dominic, since he's in pretty much the same boat. He has a lot of female friends but they're all "just friends", as they see him as kind of harmless. He tries but it's awfully frustrating.
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