tl;dr i'm having doubts and a panic attack

i feel shitty putting this on fa but i literally have no where else i can say this because he checks all my other websites

nights like this where he doesnt say more than 3 fucking words to me because hes mad at me i wonder how the fuck he is still happy in our relationship i'm always the one to fuck up and then i start to wonder if I'm actually happy in it and that scares the hell out of me and cue a panic attack because I dont know how the fuck i feel anymore and i tell myself that I'll feel better about it tomorrow and then i remember all the other nights where i tell myself the same thing and i wonder if I only think i love him bceause hes my first boyfriend and its been almost three years and it just so familiar and the panic attack just gets worse because I dont want to believe that i really feel like that and I dont know if thats actually how i feel or if its just the panic attack and being so fucking scared about the real world in less than 5 months and not having any idea what i'm doing and the really fucking shitty feeling of almost half hoping that the relationship will end because of the distance and at the same time feeling like i'm going to die at the idea of it ending when all i ever wanted before was to marry this guy, and now I dont even know for sure if i'd say yes if he asked and I dont know even know if that emotion is legitimate or if its just fear talking??? i dont know what the fuck my emotions are doing and I dont know what the fuck to do anymore