I think you had asked for some critique on the forums, yes?

This story first of all strikes me as entirely surreal. I think I'm having a difficult time placing the setting, as there seems to be a combination of the fantastic, the mundane, and the modernistic. Dragons and magic, and yet everyone talks like they live down the street.

Speaking of talking, I would definitely suggest that you tone down Mitt's accent. Voiced th sounds should be transcribed as v's to keep with your convention (f's would represent the unvoiced counterparts), and initial th's should probably be removed. This is all based on my understanding your rendition of the accent properly, anyway. I find myself agreeing with Poetigress' admonishment that "I" should never be spelled otherwise. Using words like "roight" should be enough to suggest to the reader that he would pronounce the long i sound as an 'oi' without reducing readability. I also noticed the use of 'ay' instead of either 'of' or 'a' -- and here my uncertainty should be an indication of the density of your phoneticization. I would dub that artifice in particular as unnecessary.

Cherry's character gives me some pause, as well (although I like her name!), and I think part of it is related to my lack of understanding of the setting and how she relates to it. She just... doesn't quite seem right. I think my brain is shutting down due to lateness, and I can't think of any suggestions at the moment. Please ask me questions, I may be more coherent tomorrow.

Thank you for the accent assistance, since writing this some time ago, I've found various sites to assist me with everything from cockney (which was what I was attempting with Mitt) to Old English. The other characters have less excessive accents, but in my mind, I hear 'the Voice' as very proper British, and Cherry and Lucy as some variation of American mid-Western.

The setting itself I understand being confusing. This was written specifically for people of a certain role-playing site to read. For a more general audience, since I don't go into great detail, it's difficult to grasp where and when this is taking place. Its setting is the planet Feila (a medieval-ish world of magic with some modern conventions, like speech and a universal currency [gold pieces] in addition to a bartering system). More specifically, the Territory of the Ravens, a semi-country in Feila that's loosely modeled on Earth's Africa so far as climate and natural features goes. It is populated mainly by skin avians, birds that look rather like humans with feathered tails, wings, pointed teeth and claws on their hands a feet. The action takes place in a relatively large village that I imagine would fit better into the Renaissance than the medieval era.

Cherry herself is an RP character from Feila and perhaps if you were privvy to the bio presented for her on the site, her character would make more sense. In short, though, she's a sadistic, lecherous alcoholic with a past that explains, but does not excuse her actions.