I’ve been having a lot of issues lately. After losing my job, life decided to up the difficulty level on me a little bit. After a good 5 months of unemployment, I made one of the hardest decisions in my life that relocated me from Everett WA, the place I’d settled to make my adult life on my own, back to Bakersfield CA, my hometown where I lived the first 18 years of my life.

The move was hard. I had to say goodbye to so many awesome people and in the process had to give up so many things I’d come to know as a part of my day to day life. Needless to say, I haven’t acclimated well to the transition, and lately I’ve been in this major rut that doesn’t even really relate to the regular aspects of my life.

The guy in the picture is my ex. Over a year after our break up, I still carry a picture of him in my wallet. I still talk about him and the stuff we used to do to pretty much everyone in conversation. I still talk to his family. And up until recently, he was the only person in my life that I’d talk to every single day, even beating out my parents who now live right down the hall.

Jerin came into my life in a really rough time. My parents had just found out about my sexuality. I was having the most trouble I’d ever had academically in school and was on the border or dropping out entirely. And needless to say even without my sexuality being a problem, my parents and I just couldn’t get along. The amount of stress I was under for a kid in his late teens, unable to just leave home or fight back, was astronomical. Jerin offered me a way out of that. 6 months of official dating online, I worked out my school schedule to graduate early and heavily against my parents wishes (heavily doesn’t even begin to describe it) I left for WA state.

I lived there for just under 4 years, and even during the initial breakup, there were very few days Jerin and I weren’t around each other.

When someone comes into your life like that, they ingrain themselves really deep down inside. Jerin was my figurative ‘knight in shining armor’. He drove over a thousand miles to save me from all the shit I was try to keep my head above and he didn’t even question it. Sure, we’ve gone through a lot of issus over the years, no relationship DOESN’T, but at the end of the day, typically we worked shit out.

Alot of people keep telling me to ditch the guy. They go off of half stories they don’t have all the facts for or assume shit that isn’t fully true. The textbook answer to the problem I’ve been having is to let go, turn around and walk away, but given the kind of person I am, given the situation, trying to do so tears me apart and I don’t know how to fully cope with it.

Tonight I went through my flash drive, looking for some old stories I could edit to give myself something to do instead of sitting around moping all night. What I came across were all the pictures from my first date, pictures of our first christmas together and what few other scraps I’d taken over the years. I always wanted more pictures together, but even with smartphones and the camera he eventually bought me, I never found the time to get them and I beat myself up over it wishing I’d done so differently.

The picture here was nothing really special, but it was a pretty common occurrence in the house. He used to put his head in my lap while we were watching TV on the super uncomfortable sofa we used to have. And I’d just sit there for hours until it was time to wake him up and get him into an actual bed. This was just another night that happened to get caught on camera.

I miss him alot. I miss his family. I miss the house on the lake and the downstairs. His bunny that chewed on fucking everything…And I miss having him there to come home to after a crappy day at work and crawling into bed together at the end of the day even though he couldnt snuggle when he was trying to fall asleep.

To followers on my other social mediums, I’m sorry I’ve been so down lately. I’m not looking for sympathy, I’m not looking for people to message me privately about how attractive I am or how I’m better off now that I’m on my own. Because here’s the thing. Now, not only am I sad that we split up after 4 years, but I’m a thousand miles away and I can’t even sit across the table from him and talk about how I’m even feeling. I’m not looking for a master. I’m not looking for a boyfriend. I’m not even looking for sex. I just wanna grieve over someone that actually meant something really important to me.

I just kept getting people coming up to me asking things like why I’m upset or whatnot that don’t really know the story. The last year of my life has enough shit to write a book about. Here’s some info on a really big piece.

When you love someone, you can’t just let them go. Yeah, sometimes you have to learn to let go, but sometimes some people take a lot longer to learn than others.

Thanks.