PRICE WAR PROMOTIONAL SCRIPT

Characters:

 doirn
 boneitis

Setting: Their respective stores.

Script:

(Open on "Doirn's Discount Prices")

Doirn: HI ME MOMO DOIRN AND WELCOME TO DISCOUNT PRICES! I'VE GOT $1.99! I'VE GOT $7.99! I'VE got $16.99! CHEAP CHEAP CHEAAAAAYEAP PRICES. 14, 11, 2.49.


THREE

Doirn (looking through hand-telescope): MY PRICES ARE SO SMALL YOU CAN BARELY SEE EM. THESE ARE SOME CHEAP PRICES. (Now dancing) ME HAVE PRICES DISCOUNT PRI-

She is interrupted as BONE enters from the left, elbowing her in the face and shattering her to pieces.

Bone: DOIRN'S DISCOUNT PRICES SHATTER TO THE GROUND. BUY PREMIUM PRICES. HI I'M BONE AND WELCOME TO BONEITIS'S PREMIUM PRICES. I'VE GOT ALL THE PREMIUM PRICES. I'VE GOT $19.99 FOR SALE FOR $20. YOU COME TO ME WHEN YOU WANT FINE EUROPEAN PRICES, THEY'RE PREMIUM. C'MON IN, BUY $35.50 FOR $40.00-

He is cut off as Doirn pulls apart the center of the screen and enters through the created flap.

Doirn: OH GO LAY AN EGG (an egg falls) GO TO DOIRN'S DISCOUNT PRICES. OUR $6.99'S ARE DOWN TO 2-

She is interrupted as Bone shatters the middle of the screen in a brick-wall pattern and emerges.

Bone: DOIRN BUYS HER PRICES FROM CHINA. MINE ARE REAL, AMERICAN MADE-

Doirn rides in on a horse from the right, her horse leaps and cuts off Bone's head. She begins to speak as blood fountains from his gaping neck wound.

Doirn: WHO WANTS TO PAY A PREMIUM FOR PRICES? COME TO DOIRN'S DISCOUNT PRICES AND PAY SMALL PRICES.

She gestures at "$1.19" on the ground, which is suddenly caught by a fishing hook and reeled off screen. The camera pans over to Bone, who has caught the price.

Bone: LOOK AT THIS DISCOUNT PRICE THERE'S NO MEAT ON IT YOU THROW IT BACK. STAY IN THE WATER! (He throws the price into the river at his feet) I'M NOT GONNA SERVE YOU TO MY FAMILY.

Bone suddenly takes two bullet wounds to the chest. The camera pans back to Doirn who is wielding a shotgun.

Doirn: THE MAN'S A DIRTY FELLA (Gesturing at her crotch) HE'S GOT A STINK DOWN HERE.

Bone enters from the left in the guise of a bird.

Bone: DISCOUNT PRICES ARE FOR THE BIRDS. (gesturing at an "$0.89" price made out of fecal matter) DOIRN'S GOT CRAP PRICES. KICK IT.

Bone kicks a chunk of feces off the price towards Doirn, who is manning a detonator. She pushes down on the detonation lever and blows up Bone's store.

Doirn: DON'T LET BONE GET NEAR YOU. HE'LL RAPE YA (A logo with a star reading "HE'LL RAPE YA" lights up on screen).

Bone runs over Doirn with a car.

Bone: DOIRN MAKES UP RANDOM PRICES AND SELLS THEM AT A DISCOUNT, THAT'S BULLHI-

Doirn cuts him off by dropping a bomb on him from the fighter plane she is now piloting.

Doirn: BONE'S A COMPULSIVE MASTURBATOR HE MASTURBATES ALL OVER THE STORE.

Doirn freezes as a larger than life Bone drops from the sky next to her.

Bone: MY COMPETITOR IS A LIAR. CUT HER HEAD OFF.

He cuts off her head. Cut to to Doirn making a "Jack Off" motion.

Doirn: (odd noises) PREMIUM? I'D SAY CREAMIULUM.

The world begins to tear apart in barage of quick cuts as Doirn and Bone both attempt to say their respective shticks but are interrupting each other too fast and too often to get even a single word out. The speed increases until they both detonate.