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"I want that crown more than anyone, and I'll tear you limb from limb if it meant freedom from your tyranny!"
The prologue of a new novel I've been thinking about (yes, I title my prologues as 'chapter 0'). The synopsis of the entire thing is as follows:
The country of Silyos is a large land mass inhabited my many anthropomorphic animal races. Since the majority of the country is woodland, expect to see plenty of woodland animal races inhabiting this country. Of course there are nomads and other immigrants, but permanent settlers are extremely rare.
Why is this rare? Because the country of Silyos is a horrible place to live. And why is this country such a terrible place to live in? Simple: it's ruled by a mad king. The country needs a new ruler, and it's time to act.
The story will follow four main protagonists. The chapters will cycle between each character, telling their side of the story in a 1st person perspective. For the first two 'parts' of my novel, the characters will be on their own, hardly interacting with the others until the end. Once part 3 comes around, all the characters will finally meet up and the story will shift into a 3rd person omniscient perspective.
I write long chapters. Usually my chapters average about 6000 words. To break tedium and to keep readers' attentions, I've decided to break them up into smaller, easier-to-read parts. For example, chapter 1's been broken up into four parts, each about 2000 words or so.
Or what do you guys think? Should I keep long chapters intact, or was it a good idea to split them up?
I openly welcome constructive criticism. Even if it is the smallest things, I want to hear it. Hey, we can't get better if we're not told what's wrong, am I right?
The prologue of a new novel I've been thinking about (yes, I title my prologues as 'chapter 0'). The synopsis of the entire thing is as follows:
The country of Silyos is a large land mass inhabited my many anthropomorphic animal races. Since the majority of the country is woodland, expect to see plenty of woodland animal races inhabiting this country. Of course there are nomads and other immigrants, but permanent settlers are extremely rare.
Why is this rare? Because the country of Silyos is a horrible place to live. And why is this country such a terrible place to live in? Simple: it's ruled by a mad king. The country needs a new ruler, and it's time to act.
The story will follow four main protagonists. The chapters will cycle between each character, telling their side of the story in a 1st person perspective. For the first two 'parts' of my novel, the characters will be on their own, hardly interacting with the others until the end. Once part 3 comes around, all the characters will finally meet up and the story will shift into a 3rd person omniscient perspective.
I write long chapters. Usually my chapters average about 6000 words. To break tedium and to keep readers' attentions, I've decided to break them up into smaller, easier-to-read parts. For example, chapter 1's been broken up into four parts, each about 2000 words or so.
Or what do you guys think? Should I keep long chapters intact, or was it a good idea to split them up?
I openly welcome constructive criticism. Even if it is the smallest things, I want to hear it. Hey, we can't get better if we're not told what's wrong, am I right?
Category Story / Fantasy
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 17.8 kB
I love criticism too. That's one of the only reasons I even post... besides this being the only way a closet Furry writer can express himself.
Keep your chapters long. Splitting them up too much, especially when they are downloaded files like this, puts too many seems in the experience. 6000 words is ever so slightly large for a part, but the readers will do fine.
You are obviously writing for people who like adventure, drama, action, and magic. That's very good. You are not writing for people who want to get their yiffy jollies. That means, like me, your popularity is stunted. It's the sad truth. I don't know how important popularity is to you, but just look at my work. Replacement part 3 has over 50 views, where as the others have 10 or fewer if I remember correctly. That is no coincidence. It's just a cheerful change to see someone who doesn't have to write adult content to get by.
On to the piece itself. The first thing I noticed was your layout. I like your cinematic approach, but I'm not sure how one would actually go about writing that on the page... It seems more like a screen play to me. If you intend this to be a novel, it might behoove you to try a slightly more conventional approach. Start with the intruder breaking into the castle, or slaying one of the guards. Give us some insight as to who he is and why he has been driven to kill. You could include interior monologue where he could give clues as to the situation in the kingdom. That's how I would have done it anyway. Make it more personal.
Show don't tell basically. Being a writer yourself, I'm sure you've heard that before. Keeping those principles in mind will help this work I think.
We don't get much physical description. My main reason for bringing this up is we don't know either of their species. You say the intruder has a tail, and the king is large and has a toothy grin. Normally you wouldn't need much more than this, but the races (I Imagine) are important to the story. There will be political intrigue between the races and cultural differences. Knowing at least the race that the intruder was would give us some perspective to start out with in that department.
Lastly, your dialogue. I don't know how much feedback you have received in the past, but some of this dialogue sounded a bit forced. "I challenge thee" Is fine, but he didn't talk that way at first. You even said he spoke in a knightly manner. The intruder begs for his life... I found that odd. I would have expected him to be prepared for death. He seemed to have honor and resolve. How quickly it was all drained away. Perhaps this was intentional. "It's too late for that," he said. "You set up treason against me, you die like the rest. It’s that simple." ... The king strikes me as a man of few words... perhaps he is not. In any case, one does not "Set up" Treason. Even if that was grammatically accurate, this intruder did more than set it up. He killed many guardsmen in a direct assassination attempt. He was quite a capable warrior come to think of it. "It's that simple" Seems unnecessary. We are aware the king is a mad, evil, blood thirsty, iron fist kind of guy. That's the whole point of these pages. Do you really need to have him say something cocky just to prove it more? The passively powerful is stronger than the actively powerful. More creepy too.
After reading all this, I must say to you that this is your story. You may think I have overstepped the bounds of suggestion and started telling you how to write. No one can tell you how to write. You take the information you deem helpful, and put the rest of it on the back burner. I would hope that you know this. Perhaps I'm being paranoid. I know when I was in high school, I had these angsty ideas that people just didn't get my style. How could they understand? Since then I realized that your style, no matter how fringe, can still benefit form even the most basic of feedback and suggestions.
I hope this has given you a spring board for thought, and an opportunity to get to know me better. Thank you.
Keep your chapters long. Splitting them up too much, especially when they are downloaded files like this, puts too many seems in the experience. 6000 words is ever so slightly large for a part, but the readers will do fine.
You are obviously writing for people who like adventure, drama, action, and magic. That's very good. You are not writing for people who want to get their yiffy jollies. That means, like me, your popularity is stunted. It's the sad truth. I don't know how important popularity is to you, but just look at my work. Replacement part 3 has over 50 views, where as the others have 10 or fewer if I remember correctly. That is no coincidence. It's just a cheerful change to see someone who doesn't have to write adult content to get by.
On to the piece itself. The first thing I noticed was your layout. I like your cinematic approach, but I'm not sure how one would actually go about writing that on the page... It seems more like a screen play to me. If you intend this to be a novel, it might behoove you to try a slightly more conventional approach. Start with the intruder breaking into the castle, or slaying one of the guards. Give us some insight as to who he is and why he has been driven to kill. You could include interior monologue where he could give clues as to the situation in the kingdom. That's how I would have done it anyway. Make it more personal.
Show don't tell basically. Being a writer yourself, I'm sure you've heard that before. Keeping those principles in mind will help this work I think.
We don't get much physical description. My main reason for bringing this up is we don't know either of their species. You say the intruder has a tail, and the king is large and has a toothy grin. Normally you wouldn't need much more than this, but the races (I Imagine) are important to the story. There will be political intrigue between the races and cultural differences. Knowing at least the race that the intruder was would give us some perspective to start out with in that department.
Lastly, your dialogue. I don't know how much feedback you have received in the past, but some of this dialogue sounded a bit forced. "I challenge thee" Is fine, but he didn't talk that way at first. You even said he spoke in a knightly manner. The intruder begs for his life... I found that odd. I would have expected him to be prepared for death. He seemed to have honor and resolve. How quickly it was all drained away. Perhaps this was intentional. "It's too late for that," he said. "You set up treason against me, you die like the rest. It’s that simple." ... The king strikes me as a man of few words... perhaps he is not. In any case, one does not "Set up" Treason. Even if that was grammatically accurate, this intruder did more than set it up. He killed many guardsmen in a direct assassination attempt. He was quite a capable warrior come to think of it. "It's that simple" Seems unnecessary. We are aware the king is a mad, evil, blood thirsty, iron fist kind of guy. That's the whole point of these pages. Do you really need to have him say something cocky just to prove it more? The passively powerful is stronger than the actively powerful. More creepy too.
After reading all this, I must say to you that this is your story. You may think I have overstepped the bounds of suggestion and started telling you how to write. No one can tell you how to write. You take the information you deem helpful, and put the rest of it on the back burner. I would hope that you know this. Perhaps I'm being paranoid. I know when I was in high school, I had these angsty ideas that people just didn't get my style. How could they understand? Since then I realized that your style, no matter how fringe, can still benefit form even the most basic of feedback and suggestions.
I hope this has given you a spring board for thought, and an opportunity to get to know me better. Thank you.
Hey there. Thanks for your comments. It really means a lot when people are able to help me find my weaknesses so that I can fix them.
The reason I wanted to cut up my chapter is that I see so many other FA users have their stories almost no longer than three to five pages (or about 3000 words). I'm one of those who skim over things if it's too long. However, I do see your point in keeping them intact, though. I just want people to read them without it being tedious.
I am a young person. I'm a big adventure/action type of guy, so I try to structure my works like that. I'm trying to keep my works relatively within a PG-13 rating, if you get what I mean. I'm not really interested in writing extremely mature themes at this point.
I'm trying to do better with 'Show, don't tell'. I try to detail what is going on without using such standard words, but I guess I still need to work on that. There isn't really much physical description (or any in general) because the warrior is not an essential character. While I do feel he speaks and acts out of place, it is only for a brief while. I guess since he was such an insignificant character, I didn't think to really flesh him out that much. I might go as far as to think I've let this prologue be a bit vague. I was trying to go for that 'unknown entity' approach, but I now see that might have been a bad move. But I do see your points, and I'll remember that for future reference.
And as for dialogue, you're onto something. I've gotten some weird looks from some friends I've shared pieces with. They'll tell me that this dialogue seems 'unnatural', and I wouldn't quite understand what they meant. But now that you've pointed out some examples, I can see what you mean.
Again, thanks for your critique. It really means a lot when there are others there to help fix my mistakes.
The reason I wanted to cut up my chapter is that I see so many other FA users have their stories almost no longer than three to five pages (or about 3000 words). I'm one of those who skim over things if it's too long. However, I do see your point in keeping them intact, though. I just want people to read them without it being tedious.
I am a young person. I'm a big adventure/action type of guy, so I try to structure my works like that. I'm trying to keep my works relatively within a PG-13 rating, if you get what I mean. I'm not really interested in writing extremely mature themes at this point.
I'm trying to do better with 'Show, don't tell'. I try to detail what is going on without using such standard words, but I guess I still need to work on that. There isn't really much physical description (or any in general) because the warrior is not an essential character. While I do feel he speaks and acts out of place, it is only for a brief while. I guess since he was such an insignificant character, I didn't think to really flesh him out that much. I might go as far as to think I've let this prologue be a bit vague. I was trying to go for that 'unknown entity' approach, but I now see that might have been a bad move. But I do see your points, and I'll remember that for future reference.
And as for dialogue, you're onto something. I've gotten some weird looks from some friends I've shared pieces with. They'll tell me that this dialogue seems 'unnatural', and I wouldn't quite understand what they meant. But now that you've pointed out some examples, I can see what you mean.
Again, thanks for your critique. It really means a lot when there are others there to help fix my mistakes.
You are very welcome!
I hope you will find the time to read some of my stuff... If you don't like the adult content, you can skip Replacement... It's a cute story, but when part 3 rolled around... I don't know. You can just read Stone and Wolf if you prefer. It's a better story anyway. Perhaps you will find some little things that I missed. I didn't exactly revise them that much at all actually. A couple are first drafts. A couple are First Point five drafts. I don't usually bother with a full revision when posting on sites like this.
Anyhow, looking forward to a long friendship with you here! If you want the next part in S and W, just send me a note. I've already got it. Just waiting for the opportune time to post.
I hope you will find the time to read some of my stuff... If you don't like the adult content, you can skip Replacement... It's a cute story, but when part 3 rolled around... I don't know. You can just read Stone and Wolf if you prefer. It's a better story anyway. Perhaps you will find some little things that I missed. I didn't exactly revise them that much at all actually. A couple are first drafts. A couple are First Point five drafts. I don't usually bother with a full revision when posting on sites like this.
Anyhow, looking forward to a long friendship with you here! If you want the next part in S and W, just send me a note. I've already got it. Just waiting for the opportune time to post.
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