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'Collars' is a work of mine. I've been working on this for about 2 weeks in total. This is the first chapter 'Were-Cat'
A Story of a boy named Nanahara Kazuma (Using the Japanese way, Last names first) Trying not to get himself involved with life. That is until a certain day comes in which he has to make the ultimate decision in his life that will change everything around him forever...
Depending on how this goes, will I then decide to upload more ^^;
Also Quick note: I appreciate comments about the story that could help me out in anyway. So that I can improve and make this story even better. This story however, to me, Is like an experiment and therefore, comments would really be helpful ^^;
I'm prone to mistakes so help me with those please ' w '
A Story of a boy named Nanahara Kazuma (Using the Japanese way, Last names first) Trying not to get himself involved with life. That is until a certain day comes in which he has to make the ultimate decision in his life that will change everything around him forever...
Depending on how this goes, will I then decide to upload more ^^;
Also Quick note: I appreciate comments about the story that could help me out in anyway. So that I can improve and make this story even better. This story however, to me, Is like an experiment and therefore, comments would really be helpful ^^;
I'm prone to mistakes so help me with those please ' w '
Category Story / Anime
Species Mammal (Other)
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 22.2 kB
Listed in Folders
A lovely start!
You pace very well and have finished on a wonderful cliffhanger. Just as I'm getting into the conversation between Kazuma and Sakari, it ends. And you've given just enough information to be satisfying for this first chapter.
Another thing I like about this story is, you've written a deadpan snarker! I love those, so I'll do my best to keep up with Kazuma.
You asked for feedback. Well, you have a few spelling mistakes, including your/you're type mix-ups.
Occasionally you have mix-ups of past and present tense, too. I got the impression you switched to present when the suspense was getting stronger.
A good script-style story can be succinct and keep the story fast-paced, but I sense a certain confusion in you about whether you want to write a more traditional storytelling style or script-style. It may help you to work out a formula of how much exposition you give (I felt very at-home in those larger paragraphs) and how you want to switch to script style, and what they'll look like.
Towards the end you expressed, say, Kazuma's spite by saying *spiteful* before his line, which feels like scriping on storytelling to me. Remember the rule of thumb: show, don't tell.
I think there is a lot in this story that is interesting, so I really hope you write more. One thing I'm already invested in is, does Sakari have a master of her own? Since she has a collar, I'm guessing she might do. And if she does, could it be that she's found a pet of her own so that she can be spiteful? Or is she part of a complex system with whole chains of pets and owners?
Thanks for entertaining, and I'll come back soon!
You pace very well and have finished on a wonderful cliffhanger. Just as I'm getting into the conversation between Kazuma and Sakari, it ends. And you've given just enough information to be satisfying for this first chapter.
Another thing I like about this story is, you've written a deadpan snarker! I love those, so I'll do my best to keep up with Kazuma.
You asked for feedback. Well, you have a few spelling mistakes, including your/you're type mix-ups.
Occasionally you have mix-ups of past and present tense, too. I got the impression you switched to present when the suspense was getting stronger.
A good script-style story can be succinct and keep the story fast-paced, but I sense a certain confusion in you about whether you want to write a more traditional storytelling style or script-style. It may help you to work out a formula of how much exposition you give (I felt very at-home in those larger paragraphs) and how you want to switch to script style, and what they'll look like.
Towards the end you expressed, say, Kazuma's spite by saying *spiteful* before his line, which feels like scriping on storytelling to me. Remember the rule of thumb: show, don't tell.
I think there is a lot in this story that is interesting, so I really hope you write more. One thing I'm already invested in is, does Sakari have a master of her own? Since she has a collar, I'm guessing she might do. And if she does, could it be that she's found a pet of her own so that she can be spiteful? Or is she part of a complex system with whole chains of pets and owners?
Thanks for entertaining, and I'll come back soon!
My god! Thanks for the feedback!
I will be continuing to write more.
Spelling mistakes... Ahahaha... Yeah, I'm using OpenOfiice at the moment, so it doesn't exactly tell me whether I've made a mistake or not ^^;
But I will admit I do make mistakes.
Also...I have no idea what kind of story structure I'm going for (o w o)
Chapter Two explains a little more on the collars. So yeah!
Thanks for reading! (= w =)
Hope you continue to enjoy reading, as I do love to write this. (I have no idea what I just said there... I have a huge tendency to do that)
I will be continuing to write more.
Spelling mistakes... Ahahaha... Yeah, I'm using OpenOfiice at the moment, so it doesn't exactly tell me whether I've made a mistake or not ^^;
But I will admit I do make mistakes.
Also...I have no idea what kind of story structure I'm going for (o w o)
Chapter Two explains a little more on the collars. So yeah!
Thanks for reading! (= w =)
Hope you continue to enjoy reading, as I do love to write this. (I have no idea what I just said there... I have a huge tendency to do that)
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