SPOILER FREE
Could say I got a little carried away with this one :P

Leave what you thought of the movie and this review in the comments below :)

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Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2
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BWAHHHHHHHHHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA! HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! HAHAHAHAhahahaaaa *gasp* hahahahaaa... sigh. You know I’m really going to miss these movies. I remember sitting down to watch the first movie and being optimistic about having a new franchise to enjoy. Then I witnessed the first time Edward sees Bella in class it would make the Lonely Island guys jealous of how well it looked like Edward creamed his pants. Not what I expected from this series but I totally rolled with it. For all the pandering, idiotic, pretentious, melodramatic, and misogynistic/misandristic pieces of necrophilia tripe that these movies have exploited out of the general public, it is just so funny for the fact that people actually take these movies seriously. Now after five movies, Breaking Dawn Part 2 finishes off these movies right, with a great big triumphant middle finger to both hardcore and ironic Twilight fans, at least from my latter perspective.

The story continues right where Breaking Dawn Part 1 left off, saving her from dying while giving birth, Bella is now turned into a sucker of blood to go along with being a sucker of men. The new bouncing, rapidly growing, half mortal half vampire baby, Renesmee, is no longer called a ‘thing’ by Edward. But even the baby had enough sense to not stick around for Jacob’s ‘plutonic’ boner and is now replaced with a CGI doll that would make a tube sock with googly eyes look more convincing. Oh don’t worry about Jacob’s pedo vibes baby; he’s only going to be playing the creepy uncle until you’re the ripe old age of seven and then he’ll be able to promote himself to daddy. But until then the Myers trio must protect the miracle grow child from the passive aggressive Volturi, who are using her as some excuse to take out the entire Cullen’s family. Therefore the family must assemble their distance friends and relatives, each with their own X-men superpower and blandness to defend and perhaps die in heaps for this little girl we know nothing about or even care for. Like mother like daughter eh Bella? Seriously Bella makes Lady Macbeth actions look like preschool.

If I had to sum up Breaking Dawn Part 2 in short it would be one word, ‘filler.’ Extended it would be pointless, frustrating, hilarious filler. Scenes go on longer than an ent’s philosophical lecture and character’s are brought up and are rarely if ever mentioned again. Actors who gave up any hope in this series’ credibility and are just waiting for their next paycheck, somehow performing even deader than they already appeared. Except for Michael Sheen who seems to be the only person who knows what kind of movie he’s in. Situation after situation rises around these characters and absolutely nothing is ever loss or gained for the characters, right up to the very end.

And. What. An. Ending! (Without spoilers) Just when you think the movie is going to be taking its usual safe devotion to the book, this left turn comes out of nowhere and left the theatre, including jaded me, in a gasp. It kept going and you know what? People, including the twihards, were actually enjoying themselves! I had the biggest smile on my face and was screaming “DO IT! DO IT!” at the screen! And then it actually ended... and people were left with a bigger middle finger in their face than what the first Shrek gave to Disney. Everyone screamed in agony. Yet I feel that’s what the director intended from the very beginning, at least subconsciously anyways.

The entire Twilight Saga is like when Star Wars fans went out to see The Phantom Menace for the first time. They convinced themselves that they were enjoying it because they just couldn’t bear the thought of their precious fandom being considered in anyway inferior. Then the final moments of Breaking Dawn Part 2 showed them what true cinematic fun is and then ripped it out of their trembling fingertips. That slow realization of their entire series just sunk in and it was glorious. I always feel a little guilty about encouraging people to make fun of other people’s honest efforts to create a good artistic piece, but then I watch these movies again and start laughing all over. This is some of the most fun I’ve had in a theatre this year and the entire series is definitely going to be included proudly in my comedy collection, next to Red Riding Hood and The Room.

P.S. Slow clap for me because I just did an entire Twilight review without making one sparkle joke, where’s my confetti?!