This is another review I have brought over from Encyclopaedia Metallum. It is an example of what one of my negative reviews look like, since everything I have posted so far has been lukewarm to well-received. Keep in mind that I can be even more scathing than this, but what I am reviewing has to be complete trash for me to go that far. Oddly, the title is quite adequate in describing the music.

Here is a link for anybody who wants to hear just how ludicrous this band really was:

Kalaschnikov - Kill Your Neighbor
-Yes, this song is really as ridiculously bad as it sounds.

Of course, the review rests below for those that don't need an .rtf floating in their downloads folder.

Retro Review: Kalaschnikov - “The Torture never Stops” (1988)


Released by the infamously bad 'Metal Enterprises" label back in 1988, it's unclear whether this band was ever real or not, since the first album only contained two people that handled three instruments (the drummer was uncredited to my knowledge) and the follow-up was a completely different band used by the label to cash in on the name. The least they could do is spell the name they took correctly...

As for the music, it's simple but competently played metal sits somewhere between standard pacing and speed metal, residing in that same corner of the metal world as bands along the lines of Piledriver. In fact, this band is most comparable to the aforementioned artist with it's gimmicky lyrics, lowbrow delivery, and suffocatingly thick layers of faux-extremity. Some can almost compare the lyrics here to those used by Carnivore, Death SS, or Nasty Savage, except even more obvious and with less wit in their delivery. Perhaps the most glaring misgiving of all is the fact that the guitar solos here are essentially just random scratching that go nowhere, like a version of what Kerry King does, but with even less direction and minus the eerie shrieking qualities of the tremolo. It's somewhat odd, because the sole guitarist seems able to deliver solid, if mildly repetitive riffs as the backbone of each song.

One can almost see this as a cash-in too, even if the album succeeding it is known to be, since the both the music and lyrics are "dumbed-down" as to be accessible to those not attuned to listening to metal, like your typical shock or glam/hair metal record. Honestly, it is played well enough to be enjoyed for a chuckle here or there, and the musicians playing here can handle themselves (even if the solos suck more than a Dyson), but outside of the superficiality this release primarily contains, there is nothing noteworthy. It's a shame too, since Kalaschnikov actually had the distinction of being one of a few bands having a person of color as a front man, at least in it's first incarnation, which was something of a rarity at a time when “heavy music” was viewed by the mainstream as being predominantly played by Whites. Obviously, such a shallow attempt at making metal that is mediocre at best and having underwhelming vocal deliveries of insipid shock lyrics does no justice to the erstwhile stated fact.

In summary, this novelty record remains only for the curious, or those particularly interested in the bad and often imposter-ridden roster of artists found on Metal Enterprises. If this indeed was a cash-in record, it is by far one of the unintentionally better ones, which would make the follow up a cash-in on a cash-in. Wrapping one's head around that logic would be enough to induce an embolism. Listen with caution, prepare to laugh, and maybe even use a scare tactic for an undesired neighbor. (4/10)