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"...For too long have both sides fought each other, each side losing more and more people along the way. We've been at war for too long now. It's time to end that. It's time for Tundra Clan to dominate!"
I've finally decided to keep it short and submit pieces of my project in 'scenes'. You know whenever you read books, you see a break with odd symbols (ex. ***)? That signifies that it's the start of a new scene. Thus, the first chapter is going to have four scenes total.
Allow me to introduce the first of the four main protagonist, Cyril. He is a 24-year old Lupan who lacks a sense of duty and honor. Instead, he favors getting lost and wandering on his own without the company of others (think 'lone wolf'). Along one of his morning walks, after he's evaded his two bodyguards, he is encountered with two assassins, raring to kill him.
Once again, I openly welcome constructive criticism. Even if it is the smallest things, I want to hear it. Hey, we can't get better if we're not told what's wrong, am I right?
I've finally decided to keep it short and submit pieces of my project in 'scenes'. You know whenever you read books, you see a break with odd symbols (ex. ***)? That signifies that it's the start of a new scene. Thus, the first chapter is going to have four scenes total.
Allow me to introduce the first of the four main protagonist, Cyril. He is a 24-year old Lupan who lacks a sense of duty and honor. Instead, he favors getting lost and wandering on his own without the company of others (think 'lone wolf'). Along one of his morning walks, after he's evaded his two bodyguards, he is encountered with two assassins, raring to kill him.
Once again, I openly welcome constructive criticism. Even if it is the smallest things, I want to hear it. Hey, we can't get better if we're not told what's wrong, am I right?
Category Story / Fantasy
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 24.5 kB
Hey! I just read your story! Sorry I didn't get to it earlier. I've been in a slump for the last week or so.
First thing I must mention is your dialogue. You have set your story in a low technology environment, with lineage structured hierarchy, and tribal squabbles. One does not expect to hear "Fucking when!" "Freaking..." "Ditto" and other such modern and frankly low-intelligence, lazy language. Most people I talk to IRL don't sound like that. If the language is part of the culture you have created (I doubt this) than it should be displayed as such in future. Perhaps offer an example of another culture who speak differently? The problem is, you go from "whether for good or ill" to "Dude!" yelled Wedge. "Re--seriously?!" There is a sharp contrast there.
My advice to remedy this would be to immerse yourself in the culture, world, and mind-set of your characters. Let their personalty take you over. You should be able to speak for them in any situation. More than this though, you must give each character the same attention, with DIFFERENT results. Each character must speak just a little differently. Each must have it's own voice. You did alright with the "Nicer" twin. (Hint, no one is just "Nicer" but perhaps that is how your character sees things.)
This was the main issue. To be honest, I had to force myself to ignore the section from: "Dude!" to "STOP IT!". I'd cut that part right out and start again.
I DO however find myself intrigued by your world and cultures and want to know more about them. They MUST be developed in further installments.
I hope you found this helpful. Know that I'm not bashing you, no matter how harsh I seem. Hey! Give it right back to me if you want!
First thing I must mention is your dialogue. You have set your story in a low technology environment, with lineage structured hierarchy, and tribal squabbles. One does not expect to hear "Fucking when!" "Freaking..." "Ditto" and other such modern and frankly low-intelligence, lazy language. Most people I talk to IRL don't sound like that. If the language is part of the culture you have created (I doubt this) than it should be displayed as such in future. Perhaps offer an example of another culture who speak differently? The problem is, you go from "whether for good or ill" to "Dude!" yelled Wedge. "Re--seriously?!" There is a sharp contrast there.
My advice to remedy this would be to immerse yourself in the culture, world, and mind-set of your characters. Let their personalty take you over. You should be able to speak for them in any situation. More than this though, you must give each character the same attention, with DIFFERENT results. Each character must speak just a little differently. Each must have it's own voice. You did alright with the "Nicer" twin. (Hint, no one is just "Nicer" but perhaps that is how your character sees things.)
This was the main issue. To be honest, I had to force myself to ignore the section from: "Dude!" to "STOP IT!". I'd cut that part right out and start again.
I DO however find myself intrigued by your world and cultures and want to know more about them. They MUST be developed in further installments.
I hope you found this helpful. Know that I'm not bashing you, no matter how harsh I seem. Hey! Give it right back to me if you want!
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