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My Final Journal
13 years ago
First and foremost: this journal/status/what-the-fuck-ever will contain only what I am willing to share. But none of those things will be censored in any way. You’ll get the full truth. If you don’t care, exit now. Because why would you be reading this if you don’t care?
I digress….
Over these last years you’ve seen me go from chipper, to suicidal and back again in a fucking rollercoaster ride of utter confusion. Well what may have made you sad has been tearing me apart. I have lost the ability to trust to most degrees, I have become cold, and I am a shell of my former self.
This will be split into sections as this is my last farewell and will be rather long.
How I’m feeling:
Well, this one should be fairly easy to guess with what I’ve already mentioned. I feel hollow.
I feel like, no matter what I say or do, the ones I love or like as friends flow away with the breeze. If it’s not something I did intentionally, it’s something I said or did without realizing that pissed someone off. But they could not be bothered to share what was making them distressed in the hopes of maybe fixing the whole ordeal. No, instead it gets bottled up until I have no more friends.
I’ve always had suspicion that Lulian was behind all this, but there’s only so much you can blame another person on fictional evidence before it becomes clear you are just blaming your problems on other people.
Why I am feeling this way:
I am feeling this way because of many things.
Because my friends just disappear and slip through my fingers like sand.
Because every moment of every day is filled with regret because of past, present, and whatever future painful memories I can think of.
But mostly because nobody gives me the fucking time of day. People tell me all the time to just be myself. I’ve been myself for months now. The only “friends” I’ve made are trolls on CoD: MW3 and the 1 or 2 people who still like me on this site. So you know what guys, I gave you a chance. Fuck all of you who didn’t give me a chance; who act like I’m the problem, like I brought this on myself. All my life I’ve been ignored. I’M TIRED OF IT; I’M SICK OF IT!
Why I am leaving:
Why I am leaving?...
Well, it should be a pretty simple answer if you think about me for ten seconds. But since I am certain no one reading this will have done that before now, let me make it easy on you and just tell you.
I am leaving because:
If it’s real life everyone expects me to be the perfectly groomed, perfectly cleanly, perfectly perfect little goddamn angel. How am I supposed to do this? Isn’t it human to be flawed? Isn’t it natural to mess up sometimes? But no, I am never good enough. I buy all the cleaning products/toothpaste I can and I vigorously clean my mouth/body/home out. I’ve even tried scrubbing my brain clean; I have nothing to show for any of it. it’s never enough, and never would have been.
If it’s the internet I never belonged to begin with. All I was, was a sad little man trying to find companionship and maybe, someday, love. But who was I kidding? If I wasn’t cut out for real life, why in the hell would the internet be the place to go? You know I see people talking about retreating to the internet because they are not cut out for real life, but think about it. If you REALLY aren’t cut out for real life, then the real life people on the internet would not like you either, right? I am right, no matter how you answered.
Is there no other way:
No, there is not, and I’ll tell you why to save space.
There is no other way because I’ve self-diagnosed myself into a fucking hole. With all the pain of losing those closest to me and my fevered attempts to become better so it won’t happen again, I have broken myself.
If people had just told me…if I had just one chance to begin with…I would have survived. But who am I kidding? People don’t care about others like me. It’s all themselves and their friends. Apparently I’m just “weird”. The only ones who stuck by me this far have been Soros, Elaan, and Baaliam.
Let’s face it; Soros is probably gone; if not gone completely, just hanging by a thread. Elaan is likewise however I get the feeling he’ll be the one who sticks it out to the very end. As for Baal, I honestly think he’s just hanging around because he pities me. I won’t speak for him, but that’s the feeling I get.
Anything else to be said before moving on to the end:
Actually, yes.
It seems like everyone I met has taken advantage of my trust.
People call me naive. But what is bad about being a loving guy who shares himself openly? I’m not anymore, but you can thank all the asshats who took advantage of me for that one.
I have one message for you all collectively (who took advantage of my trust) who I don’t mention by name: if there is a Hell, I hope you all burn in it. There are no words that don’t sound sadistic to describe how much you all sicken me.
Lulian: Wherever you are, if you see this, just know I fucking hate your guts.
I wish I never met you.
You were the first to take advantage of my trust. Certainly not the last, but….
I think my only mistake was trying to get you to talk to me.
I don’t need your validation.
And you pop pills ‘til you puke. Up to three times in an hour. You are beyond help, and if I ever see you again, I will spit in your face and beat you down.
Sparkwolf: Just disappearing like everyone else huh? I shouldn’t be surprised. I just thought you were different is all.
Azzyskies: If you could just see the look on my face as I’m typing this, you’d understand. But I don’t want to make it silly with emoticons. Suffice it to say I’m just disappointed I ever met you.
Elaan: You’re a cool kid, but I wish you wouldn’t troll me. You make it hard for me to decipher fact from fiction. Seriously, I like a good trolling as much as the next guy. But I thought we were friends….
Soros: What has been said has been said. And while I don’t blame you for giving me the cold shoulder, perhaps now you can understand why I did it, too. Perhaps we can continue to be friends? Maybe, in time.
Baal: Goodbye, and goodluck. May our paths cross again one day.
How to contact me:
1. I will be abandoning all sites that are social. The only sites I will frequent are Bandcamp, Soundcloud and Youtube. And ONLY for musical purposes (Well, for youtube prolly trolling purposes as well). Depending on how mainstream (or more like social networking sites) these become, I may or may not go to them anymore. Push come to shove I will make my own site, which you can ask me about via e-mail. This is all assuming I actually make more music.
2. If you PM me on any of the above mentioned sites after tonight, midnight, I will ignore you.
3. Please give up to two weeks+ for a response via E-mail. The way to contact me if you must have an immediate answer is in a video game I play via whisper or general chat. I may or may not choose to answer you. However if it’s over a game, please address me as Erik, and not any of my old/new online handles. It will be easier for me to be sure you know me and it will keep others from figuring out how to pester me when I am not playing video games.
4. Any new video game progress will only be posted to my Yaksmaps (or other relevant site) if it comes seriously close to completion.
In the end I have built the walls around my trust. I have become like all others in society: a cold heartless monster who feeds on the suffering of others to make it somehow feel whole again. When you think about it, though, that only creates more monsters, doesn’t it?
I’ve tied my tongue so I cannot be hurt by those who do not, will not, or want not understand me.
As “Runaway” by Linkin Park put it: “I want to run away, and never say goodbye”. Well, I’m saying goodbye, but forever.
I can only hope now that I slip away and become insane. Well, it’s more inevitability than hope at this point, since I will not be seriously talking to anyone but immediate family for months on end.
However I hope the insane I become is the kind that creates it’s own world; because this reality is so tiring. All I want to do is relax, but I can’t, and it wears on me so.
Someday I may return, but to help prevent that from happening I will be adding a new password, randomly generated that I haven’t looked at, on all social networking accounts, then deleting the password from my database of passwords.
So delete the account; set it to deceased – I don’t care. But the deceased one probably would have been better over this last year or so, since I died right around then.
In short I know I’ve said and done some pretty stupid fucking things, but the treatment I have gotten is not correct. Not even slightly.
I finally get it. Good bye.
What do I do to ignore them behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
Do I sit here and try to stand it?
Or do I try to catch them red-handed?
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?
Because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I'm lost within
I put on my daily façade but then
I just end up getting hurt again
By myself (Myself)
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can't rely on myself
I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
If I turn my back I'm defenseless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on
Then they'll take from me 'till everything is gone
If I let them go I'll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I'll be outrun
If I'm killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I'll be buried in the silence of the answer
(By myself)
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can't rely on myself
I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
How do you think I've lost so much
I'm so afraid, I'm out of touch
How do you expect I will know what to do
When all I know is what you tell me to
Don't you know
I can't tell you how to make it go
No matter what I do, how hard I try
I can't seem to convince myself why
I'm stuck on the outside
I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
PS: I give myself 2 years before I commit suicide.
I digress….
Over these last years you’ve seen me go from chipper, to suicidal and back again in a fucking rollercoaster ride of utter confusion. Well what may have made you sad has been tearing me apart. I have lost the ability to trust to most degrees, I have become cold, and I am a shell of my former self.
This will be split into sections as this is my last farewell and will be rather long.
How I’m feeling:
Well, this one should be fairly easy to guess with what I’ve already mentioned. I feel hollow.
I feel like, no matter what I say or do, the ones I love or like as friends flow away with the breeze. If it’s not something I did intentionally, it’s something I said or did without realizing that pissed someone off. But they could not be bothered to share what was making them distressed in the hopes of maybe fixing the whole ordeal. No, instead it gets bottled up until I have no more friends.
I’ve always had suspicion that Lulian was behind all this, but there’s only so much you can blame another person on fictional evidence before it becomes clear you are just blaming your problems on other people.
Why I am feeling this way:
I am feeling this way because of many things.
Because my friends just disappear and slip through my fingers like sand.
Because every moment of every day is filled with regret because of past, present, and whatever future painful memories I can think of.
But mostly because nobody gives me the fucking time of day. People tell me all the time to just be myself. I’ve been myself for months now. The only “friends” I’ve made are trolls on CoD: MW3 and the 1 or 2 people who still like me on this site. So you know what guys, I gave you a chance. Fuck all of you who didn’t give me a chance; who act like I’m the problem, like I brought this on myself. All my life I’ve been ignored. I’M TIRED OF IT; I’M SICK OF IT!
Why I am leaving:
Why I am leaving?...
Well, it should be a pretty simple answer if you think about me for ten seconds. But since I am certain no one reading this will have done that before now, let me make it easy on you and just tell you.
I am leaving because:
If it’s real life everyone expects me to be the perfectly groomed, perfectly cleanly, perfectly perfect little goddamn angel. How am I supposed to do this? Isn’t it human to be flawed? Isn’t it natural to mess up sometimes? But no, I am never good enough. I buy all the cleaning products/toothpaste I can and I vigorously clean my mouth/body/home out. I’ve even tried scrubbing my brain clean; I have nothing to show for any of it. it’s never enough, and never would have been.
If it’s the internet I never belonged to begin with. All I was, was a sad little man trying to find companionship and maybe, someday, love. But who was I kidding? If I wasn’t cut out for real life, why in the hell would the internet be the place to go? You know I see people talking about retreating to the internet because they are not cut out for real life, but think about it. If you REALLY aren’t cut out for real life, then the real life people on the internet would not like you either, right? I am right, no matter how you answered.
Is there no other way:
No, there is not, and I’ll tell you why to save space.
There is no other way because I’ve self-diagnosed myself into a fucking hole. With all the pain of losing those closest to me and my fevered attempts to become better so it won’t happen again, I have broken myself.
If people had just told me…if I had just one chance to begin with…I would have survived. But who am I kidding? People don’t care about others like me. It’s all themselves and their friends. Apparently I’m just “weird”. The only ones who stuck by me this far have been Soros, Elaan, and Baaliam.
Let’s face it; Soros is probably gone; if not gone completely, just hanging by a thread. Elaan is likewise however I get the feeling he’ll be the one who sticks it out to the very end. As for Baal, I honestly think he’s just hanging around because he pities me. I won’t speak for him, but that’s the feeling I get.
Anything else to be said before moving on to the end:
Actually, yes.
It seems like everyone I met has taken advantage of my trust.
People call me naive. But what is bad about being a loving guy who shares himself openly? I’m not anymore, but you can thank all the asshats who took advantage of me for that one.
I have one message for you all collectively (who took advantage of my trust) who I don’t mention by name: if there is a Hell, I hope you all burn in it. There are no words that don’t sound sadistic to describe how much you all sicken me.
Lulian: Wherever you are, if you see this, just know I fucking hate your guts.
I wish I never met you.
You were the first to take advantage of my trust. Certainly not the last, but….
I think my only mistake was trying to get you to talk to me.
I don’t need your validation.
And you pop pills ‘til you puke. Up to three times in an hour. You are beyond help, and if I ever see you again, I will spit in your face and beat you down.
Sparkwolf: Just disappearing like everyone else huh? I shouldn’t be surprised. I just thought you were different is all.
Azzyskies: If you could just see the look on my face as I’m typing this, you’d understand. But I don’t want to make it silly with emoticons. Suffice it to say I’m just disappointed I ever met you.
Elaan: You’re a cool kid, but I wish you wouldn’t troll me. You make it hard for me to decipher fact from fiction. Seriously, I like a good trolling as much as the next guy. But I thought we were friends….
Soros: What has been said has been said. And while I don’t blame you for giving me the cold shoulder, perhaps now you can understand why I did it, too. Perhaps we can continue to be friends? Maybe, in time.
Baal: Goodbye, and goodluck. May our paths cross again one day.
How to contact me:
1. I will be abandoning all sites that are social. The only sites I will frequent are Bandcamp, Soundcloud and Youtube. And ONLY for musical purposes (Well, for youtube prolly trolling purposes as well). Depending on how mainstream (or more like social networking sites) these become, I may or may not go to them anymore. Push come to shove I will make my own site, which you can ask me about via e-mail. This is all assuming I actually make more music.
2. If you PM me on any of the above mentioned sites after tonight, midnight, I will ignore you.
3. Please give up to two weeks+ for a response via E-mail. The way to contact me if you must have an immediate answer is in a video game I play via whisper or general chat. I may or may not choose to answer you. However if it’s over a game, please address me as Erik, and not any of my old/new online handles. It will be easier for me to be sure you know me and it will keep others from figuring out how to pester me when I am not playing video games.
4. Any new video game progress will only be posted to my Yaksmaps (or other relevant site) if it comes seriously close to completion.
In the end I have built the walls around my trust. I have become like all others in society: a cold heartless monster who feeds on the suffering of others to make it somehow feel whole again. When you think about it, though, that only creates more monsters, doesn’t it?
I’ve tied my tongue so I cannot be hurt by those who do not, will not, or want not understand me.
As “Runaway” by Linkin Park put it: “I want to run away, and never say goodbye”. Well, I’m saying goodbye, but forever.
I can only hope now that I slip away and become insane. Well, it’s more inevitability than hope at this point, since I will not be seriously talking to anyone but immediate family for months on end.
However I hope the insane I become is the kind that creates it’s own world; because this reality is so tiring. All I want to do is relax, but I can’t, and it wears on me so.
Someday I may return, but to help prevent that from happening I will be adding a new password, randomly generated that I haven’t looked at, on all social networking accounts, then deleting the password from my database of passwords.
So delete the account; set it to deceased – I don’t care. But the deceased one probably would have been better over this last year or so, since I died right around then.
In short I know I’ve said and done some pretty stupid fucking things, but the treatment I have gotten is not correct. Not even slightly.
I finally get it. Good bye.
What do I do to ignore them behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
Do I sit here and try to stand it?
Or do I try to catch them red-handed?
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?
Because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I'm lost within
I put on my daily façade but then
I just end up getting hurt again
By myself (Myself)
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can't rely on myself
I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
If I turn my back I'm defenseless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on
Then they'll take from me 'till everything is gone
If I let them go I'll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I'll be outrun
If I'm killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I'll be buried in the silence of the answer
(By myself)
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can't rely on myself
I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
How do you think I've lost so much
I'm so afraid, I'm out of touch
How do you expect I will know what to do
When all I know is what you tell me to
Don't you know
I can't tell you how to make it go
No matter what I do, how hard I try
I can't seem to convince myself why
I'm stuck on the outside
I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
PS: I give myself 2 years before I commit suicide.
As for the occasional teasing, I didn't think you'd be hit by it that hard. I never meant ill.
Still, you know my e-mail, as I know yours. So perhaps we can hang on to that if you'd like.
Here's a 21 cannon salute, may your journey end well...
Other then that, cya around the interwebs i guess