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I Am Free
13 years ago
Tonight is happy, sort of.
Let me start further back though. I am a T-girl, transgender, m2f, what ever you understand it. I am and always shall be a lady. it's been a long time to realize it and the monstrosity of my past has only further explained my current realizations in that fact. Now we can continue....
This morning I awoke to feel more like a lady than I have ever before. Oddly, I owe it to an incomplete story. The whole day today I felt in Perfect balance and I was. I didn't randomly run into things or get agitated or aggravated at anything. For years I've had a mask of having a loud/heavy "butch" voice. Today that disappeared.
My mother was concerned at first. A bit worried when she saw me drink. but all day today I have just felt "right" I feel like i'm finally making progress to become the real me. Tonight I did something I only used to do on very very rare occasions after, back when i was a monster, realizing the evils I had done.
I talked to my mother, face to face, quietly, comfortingly... and I cried. My gods does it feel so good to cry tonight.
I told her specifically "there are many things I can't say because I don't have the words or the nerve to." I was being honest. I don't have the words to tell her her son is really a woman inside... Nor do I have the nerve to say them, given her religious beliefs and our current location of residency.
I may yet have to care for her the rest of her life due to her own failing health... and in that, slowly, I'm sure she will see me change into the real me. I just hope that she can accept it. Gods knows I want her to. I'm tired of hiding in the shadow of my father. Tired of trying to act like i'm just a bit "queer," but nothing as blatantly harmful as he.
I do like girls, but I too am one. Today as been one of the best days of my life. I would never trade this day for anything. Today was the day I finally woke up the lady I've always needed to be. The physical can come later. Today.... Today I cast off the last shreds of hiding myself. Today the man in me went impotent.
I am awake,
I am alive,
I....
I am free.
Let me start further back though. I am a T-girl, transgender, m2f, what ever you understand it. I am and always shall be a lady. it's been a long time to realize it and the monstrosity of my past has only further explained my current realizations in that fact. Now we can continue....
This morning I awoke to feel more like a lady than I have ever before. Oddly, I owe it to an incomplete story. The whole day today I felt in Perfect balance and I was. I didn't randomly run into things or get agitated or aggravated at anything. For years I've had a mask of having a loud/heavy "butch" voice. Today that disappeared.
My mother was concerned at first. A bit worried when she saw me drink. but all day today I have just felt "right" I feel like i'm finally making progress to become the real me. Tonight I did something I only used to do on very very rare occasions after, back when i was a monster, realizing the evils I had done.
I talked to my mother, face to face, quietly, comfortingly... and I cried. My gods does it feel so good to cry tonight.
I told her specifically "there are many things I can't say because I don't have the words or the nerve to." I was being honest. I don't have the words to tell her her son is really a woman inside... Nor do I have the nerve to say them, given her religious beliefs and our current location of residency.
I may yet have to care for her the rest of her life due to her own failing health... and in that, slowly, I'm sure she will see me change into the real me. I just hope that she can accept it. Gods knows I want her to. I'm tired of hiding in the shadow of my father. Tired of trying to act like i'm just a bit "queer," but nothing as blatantly harmful as he.
I do like girls, but I too am one. Today as been one of the best days of my life. I would never trade this day for anything. Today was the day I finally woke up the lady I've always needed to be. The physical can come later. Today.... Today I cast off the last shreds of hiding myself. Today the man in me went impotent.
I am awake,
I am alive,
I....
I am free.
I remember when i realiced someting in my life, someting what wa sreally really important as well...and accepting it, saying it out loud. By gods it felt and still feels good.
So cheers or us who have come freeon some part of our life <3
At any rate, I hope you're doing well and moving towards what you want to become.
But, aside form all that.... Simply being female would help me cope... With the loss of myself.
Thank you for the correspondence with me, dear KaniS. It has lifted my spirits on this day which has left me feeling down. Hopefully Murrah isn't upset at you flirting with other girls ;)
But my Mate doesn't mind such things. She'll probably laugh if you point her to this conversation.
Sadly, my kind don't exist across time and space... they're just on one far off world, and almost every other dragon I meet is from some other far-off place with a completely different culture and mentality. So it has been extraordinarily hard to find people I relate to even amongst other dragons in human form. You can read my profile for more thoughts on that. Ironically, I think that Earth ocean creatures like dolphins have tended to be a lot more likely than other dragons to behave like how I feel my kind behave. But I've found a few precious dragons as well.
Anyway, I'll send you a private note so we don't have to keep bloating your journal comments.
I like the idea of dreams tapping into other worlds, but if that's so, I have some really effing scary access to some really scary places. LOL
I hope your Mom is able to handle the whole transgender thing. Maybe she'll prove to be a stronger, more mature person than you hoped for. that will be my wish for you, anyway. Do you have a circle of friends who are transgender that you can talk to? Sometimes, sharing things like this with folks who are going through similar experiences can really help. I know one on FA- perhaps go hang out at their page? Besides,
Like Kani, I have the annoyance of feeling "transspecies"- also a dragon in a human body. Poot. Believe me, there has been much embarrassment and tears shed over that in the past...