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people aren't mind readers
12 years ago
“And it is still true, no matter how old you are -- when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.”
Very early on in my life I learnt one of the biggest lessons a kid can learn.
My parents were not infallible
They were people. A man and a woman who had dreams and hopes and who had put their own personal aspirations aside in order to raise a family and to help their children grow to the best of their abilities.
My parents were not perfect far from it they made mistakes like all the time but they covered a lot of the mistakes with love and tried to support us in most of our endeavours as kids.
I mention this because yesterday my youngest sister had a rather angry and poisonously bitter conversation with me about how the family wasn't supporting her the way she wanted them to in the death of her baby. They've been doing things wrong saying things wrong and generally upsetting her albeit accidentally.
I asked her if she had told them about this. She said no and that she was upset that they didn't instinctively know how to handle the situation.
The thing is, people aren't mind readers. There's no use feeling miserable because someone else hasn't second guessed something that from your perspective seems obvious but from theirs they're oblivious. Sometimes you really do have to spell it out, plain as day what you want and how and when.
This doesn't just hold true for this situation but in all walks of life. Sometimes we second guess what people are thinking about us or we assume people should do certain things but they don't and then we get cross at them. I think we could all perhaps do a little better at communicating with one another and not just making assumptions and accusations
I
My parents were not infallible
They were people. A man and a woman who had dreams and hopes and who had put their own personal aspirations aside in order to raise a family and to help their children grow to the best of their abilities.
My parents were not perfect far from it they made mistakes like all the time but they covered a lot of the mistakes with love and tried to support us in most of our endeavours as kids.
I mention this because yesterday my youngest sister had a rather angry and poisonously bitter conversation with me about how the family wasn't supporting her the way she wanted them to in the death of her baby. They've been doing things wrong saying things wrong and generally upsetting her albeit accidentally.
I asked her if she had told them about this. She said no and that she was upset that they didn't instinctively know how to handle the situation.
The thing is, people aren't mind readers. There's no use feeling miserable because someone else hasn't second guessed something that from your perspective seems obvious but from theirs they're oblivious. Sometimes you really do have to spell it out, plain as day what you want and how and when.
This doesn't just hold true for this situation but in all walks of life. Sometimes we second guess what people are thinking about us or we assume people should do certain things but they don't and then we get cross at them. I think we could all perhaps do a little better at communicating with one another and not just making assumptions and accusations
I
So sometimes my friends and I will have a go at psychoanalyzing one another. It's fun! I can't report on it's efficacy, but it's nice to have some perspective out there. ;3
I have to remind myself of this constantly, especially because I -am- almost preternaturally sensitive to others' moods (high empathy)
and can often divine there is something they're wanting, but are not comfortable expressing directly...
in which case I'll ferret the desire by asking appropriate questions.
interpersonal communication is one of the hardest things... it's very hard to get out of one's own view
and try to figure out what another person is thinking -- often the best recourse is to ask in plain and simple terms,
"what do you want?" "what's on your mind?"
"
one of my roommates is like that, rather often -- but I have learned that after a bit of waiting, he'll usually talk anyway, so I just wait, and soothe him however I can. :3
My parent can not do that, they are at there retirment, still have to work to pay the bill and are alway on the ege... but for long time, my brother, was failing to assume they was just bad partent sense his step dad was doing so much and ou parents so little for him.
And for some reason, i think talking not alway help you to understand people, some time, i try my best be it simple a impossible task.
*hugs*
I have been through this mutiple times before. I'm not a mind reader at all and the fact that people expect me to know when they are upset or annoyed without telling me.. When albeit, most of this is over the internet.. How am I meant to know? =| It frustrates me to no end.
One thing I always try to be is honest and it's the best way anyone can be. Honesty gets you a lot further than going and bitching to other people. Your sister really needs to speak to your parents. They are probably doing what they think is best when really.. It's their grandchild too and they have to deal with the loss aswell and most likely in their own way which is different to your sisters. I really feel for her, I have no idea what she is going through but it must be hard. In the end, she just has to be honest.
~Elly
I agree. I was annoying a group I was hanging out with twelve years ago, and they only said I'm acting inappropriately. wouldn't say anything further. so I said "If you don't tell me what I'm doing wrong, I'm probably gonna keep doing it." which pissed them off. and they didn't tell me what I was doing. whatever, it was a conceited LARP group anyhow.
Your sister needs to understand that everyone does not know how to handle the situation and they are also dealing with it in their own way as well. While she and her husband were effected the most, so was everyone one else around her to some extent.
Best wishes, Dear!
But... yeah, I need to work on that...
a lot of times we tend to keep things for us, believing that everyone else should know what are we thinking and sometimes worse, when we ask a favor or something like that and we expect people to do it exactly how we want it to happen yet we dont give any further instructions.
like when you say -give me the thing- or -that thing- without even pointing.
hope that you 2 can find a nice solution for that issue
Some parents do this quite well, others not really much at all.
In my case, me mum has been the kind of person that really has always been eternally high strung even when nothing is going on... short tempered, doesn't have much of a good word for any human being, and just never really struck me as being the kind of person that was particularly "stable" on numerous levels.
And, that's during her being cold sober (Something she often hasn't been over her life, including around me during the years me, my dad and her shared the same house. And, by now, the damage is done and irreparable.
(Just telling you this to sort of compare notes, nothing more).