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Oct. 17
16 years ago
General
I was just trying to keep myself from cutting again.
I didn't mean to hurt her.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Last night was supposed to be amazing. Was supposed to be a reunion party with old friends split apart by indecision and confusion. As you can already tell, it turned into a nightmare. First, it was laughter, loudness, music, and jokes. Watching my gay friend watch porn, teasing him. But then I couldn't find Shaunna...I knew something was wrong. I found her in the bedroom, bleeding from the razor she used to cut herself. I wanted her to stop, so I tried talking to her, holding her. She wouldn't stop crying. Shelby almost passed out from stress, while Jared came in to hug her. I left. My good mood soured into a spiraling depression. I felt like everyone around me was going to die, and I would be left alone. I didn't want them to pay attention to me, I wanted them to ignore my bad attitude. So I kept drinking the alcohol until I drank half a bottle of vodka by myself. Everything started spinning and I collapsed. They carried me into the bedroom. Several minutes later I needed to vomit. I puked up everything I had for the day. I went to lay next to Shelby, next to her. I couldn't stop crying and apologizing. I hurt her, I didn't deserve to be with her. And then...again, my dark side resurfaced. I attacked her, snarling and growling. I tried choking her, and slammed her finger into the door. I tried breaking things until I collapsed again. Shelby was choking me, and I couldn't breathe. I was scared that I was going to die.
Shaunna loomed over me, threatening to fuck me up, to hurt me. My voice that wasn't mine, high-pitched and childlike, laughed. "Don't you realize I'm not Kelly?! Hahaha, you know I'm not Kelly." Shaunna didn't believe me. She grabbed my hair and started shaking my head. "Go ahead, fuck me up!" It's what she wanted. Evangeline. That's what I call her. She wanted Shaunna to hurt me, to kill me. All she wanted was everyone to be in pain. Finally I passed out again. When I woke up, I needed to throw up again. I started sobbing and apologizing until I fell asleep.
Shelby now believes me about Evangeline. Shaunna just thinks it's a split personality. Yet, I refuse that something that evil is really me. I refuse to believe that it's a part of me. I don't want to be a monster.
I didn't mean to hurt her.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Last night was supposed to be amazing. Was supposed to be a reunion party with old friends split apart by indecision and confusion. As you can already tell, it turned into a nightmare. First, it was laughter, loudness, music, and jokes. Watching my gay friend watch porn, teasing him. But then I couldn't find Shaunna...I knew something was wrong. I found her in the bedroom, bleeding from the razor she used to cut herself. I wanted her to stop, so I tried talking to her, holding her. She wouldn't stop crying. Shelby almost passed out from stress, while Jared came in to hug her. I left. My good mood soured into a spiraling depression. I felt like everyone around me was going to die, and I would be left alone. I didn't want them to pay attention to me, I wanted them to ignore my bad attitude. So I kept drinking the alcohol until I drank half a bottle of vodka by myself. Everything started spinning and I collapsed. They carried me into the bedroom. Several minutes later I needed to vomit. I puked up everything I had for the day. I went to lay next to Shelby, next to her. I couldn't stop crying and apologizing. I hurt her, I didn't deserve to be with her. And then...again, my dark side resurfaced. I attacked her, snarling and growling. I tried choking her, and slammed her finger into the door. I tried breaking things until I collapsed again. Shelby was choking me, and I couldn't breathe. I was scared that I was going to die.
Shaunna loomed over me, threatening to fuck me up, to hurt me. My voice that wasn't mine, high-pitched and childlike, laughed. "Don't you realize I'm not Kelly?! Hahaha, you know I'm not Kelly." Shaunna didn't believe me. She grabbed my hair and started shaking my head. "Go ahead, fuck me up!" It's what she wanted. Evangeline. That's what I call her. She wanted Shaunna to hurt me, to kill me. All she wanted was everyone to be in pain. Finally I passed out again. When I woke up, I needed to throw up again. I started sobbing and apologizing until I fell asleep.
Shelby now believes me about Evangeline. Shaunna just thinks it's a split personality. Yet, I refuse that something that evil is really me. I refuse to believe that it's a part of me. I don't want to be a monster.
