FA+
Shop
The age old question (Gender and Sexuality)
4 years ago
General
My adult life has always been one filled with questions. I didn't start questioning my sexuality until I was around 17 and at that point in time I was convinced that I was bi-sexual but with a leaning toward men. I became unsure about that as I didn't really experience sexual lust for a long time. So A-sexual it was. But now I am unsure of even that I'm thinking that it might just have been some of my medications I had at the time playing tricks. I do feel sexual urges but they are very often complicated. For example I can get to the point of arousal where I end up having to take "care" of it and the moment I am done I feel such a strong feeling of shame and disgust at myself. Hence why I am even more confused about it all than I was before. All I really know is the fact that I am not straight.
And now for the question that has been bugging me the most these last few years. That would be the question of gender. I keep questioning my gender a lot. I think that I am not experiencing gender dysphoria as my understanding of that is different than what I am experiencing. I think the best way I can describe it is that there have been a lot of moments in my life where I have had the thoughts off "I wish I was female" those thoughts are often accompanied by the ideas that I would love to be able to wear what is classified as "female clothing" for example skirts, dresses and such as I find it a lot more appealing than I find any type of clothing. This might also be connected to the fact that I really dislike my body. I hate having body hair and my facial hair bothers me a lot of the time. I feel like there are no clothes I look good in and I avoid wearing a lot of the types of clothes that I would want to wear due to my self-image being very poor. But back on the gender front there are also times where I don't mind being male. It's not that I feel an overwhelming happiness at being male it's just a neutrality. And there is this festering fear of me not knowing what I want. Do I want to be female? or is it just the fact that I wanna escape the confines of my male body because I am un-happy with it? These questions are indeed driving me rather mad.
These thoughts just keep swirling around in my head and I am never getting any closer to an answer. It doesn't really help that I don't even know where I would begin to try and find out. Many of the people I have learned to know trough the furry fandom are somewhere on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum but I don't feel that I am close enough with anyone that I could immediately go to them for guidance and help, or at least not without feeling like a bother. I believe that it is spawned from this feeling that a lot of the furry and especially babyfur community can't me or just downright don't like me.
All in all I just want some answers but I fear no one can answer these questions but myself and I do not believe that I will ever have the answers I seek.
And now for the question that has been bugging me the most these last few years. That would be the question of gender. I keep questioning my gender a lot. I think that I am not experiencing gender dysphoria as my understanding of that is different than what I am experiencing. I think the best way I can describe it is that there have been a lot of moments in my life where I have had the thoughts off "I wish I was female" those thoughts are often accompanied by the ideas that I would love to be able to wear what is classified as "female clothing" for example skirts, dresses and such as I find it a lot more appealing than I find any type of clothing. This might also be connected to the fact that I really dislike my body. I hate having body hair and my facial hair bothers me a lot of the time. I feel like there are no clothes I look good in and I avoid wearing a lot of the types of clothes that I would want to wear due to my self-image being very poor. But back on the gender front there are also times where I don't mind being male. It's not that I feel an overwhelming happiness at being male it's just a neutrality. And there is this festering fear of me not knowing what I want. Do I want to be female? or is it just the fact that I wanna escape the confines of my male body because I am un-happy with it? These questions are indeed driving me rather mad.
These thoughts just keep swirling around in my head and I am never getting any closer to an answer. It doesn't really help that I don't even know where I would begin to try and find out. Many of the people I have learned to know trough the furry fandom are somewhere on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum but I don't feel that I am close enough with anyone that I could immediately go to them for guidance and help, or at least not without feeling like a bother. I believe that it is spawned from this feeling that a lot of the furry and especially babyfur community can't me or just downright don't like me.
All in all I just want some answers but I fear no one can answer these questions but myself and I do not believe that I will ever have the answers I seek.
I often felt shame when "taking care" of myself due to a rather conservative upbringing and very unhealthy views of sex. Especially because the thoughts I was having while aroused were everything I felt I shouldn't be thinking. There are a lot of factors to this so it'll take time to untangle as you know yourself more and what you want.
As for your gender questions, I have two bits of advice: first find a gender therapist if possible. I found it very helpful as they can give you info and perspectives you may not know or be considering.
The second bit of advice I have is to experiment~ You won't find any answers about this unless you start to live it. So find out what makes you feel the best. Ask some friends to use she/her pronouns for you. Get some cutie undies, or a dress. Try some make up. Listen honestly to yourself about how it makes you feel~ I know how hard this can be especially if we struggle to trust ourselves, but sitting and questioning will only get you so far. It's time to start living life and finding out who that authentic you is. You may find you enjoy some things and not others. The pronouns that sound best, and the look that speaks to you. Things begin to click into place. There are no mistakes here. You're not a bother, hon. You need a bit more trust in yourself it sounds like and some confidence, and trust me when I say once you start validating yourself, confidence grows exponentially.
Hope this helped. Best of luck on your journey to finding yourself~
It's going to be a bit scary, change and truth usually are. What matters is you keep moving forward and let yourself be human.