First off, it’s a long time coming, and I know that I have done so many things beyond these two special words over and over again when I repeat them, but it really needs to be said:

.

.

I’m sorry

.

.

Honestly though, I can’t even know where to begin to repair or salvage anything I’ve damaged, if I can even salvage any such thing I’ve damaged at all, whether it’s a person’s self-esteem or an entire presence throughout the Internet in general.

I’ve even damaged myself by not realizing for so long that I should have actually seeked help if I could have back then…

And Hell, even when I was being put through Therapy before reaching adulthood, I should have seen the opportunities that were right in front of me, to help me figure out myself and what was wrong with me, and whether any and every family dynamic that was putting a strain on my mental health was actually causing me to cause damage in search of love

Really, that’s what it is at this point. I figured it out. I was malnurtured.

I’m remembering that I even gave hints to artists that i used to look up to, and some of which I actually did have as friends back then. The one that I even Gave that stupid Nickname To try not directly giving away that it was her but still was someone I wanted to address in a less legitimate apology confession then? I actually remember hinting to her that I was suffering, but I was actually so afraid to make myself clear because for so long, even in my early adulthood, I didn’t know how to fully be independent, And how to respect the independence of other individuals when they would want it, because I was never properly taught how to be that way and respect others’ space to begin with.

But I did just want an escape from the all-too-frequent agony of a grudge one parent had against the other, and one that was and still is very much unfair. It was just recently that I actually figured out the more abusive parent actually just got stuck in their own trauma by their own abusive father, and couldn’t let go of it and chose to punish my other parent and even myself until recently (but still my sister), To subconsciously fight the war against their trauma that is so deep that they don’t even realize that’s what’s been affecting them

And I was suffering for it.

And I made others suffer because I was desperate for any kind of love at all, any kind of comfort at all

I was looking for an escape, and then I found online Spyro communities to exist, And I just didn’t know how to handle what I didn’t realize it was growing trauma that I didn’t even realize I wrapped up To make myself a petty stalker, then an arrogant stalker, then an actually somewhat dangerous stalker, then a sad stalker, and then just a very sad person

I’m very ashamed of what I’ve done. I still see Twitter emails when I Take breaks from using the Twitter app and often the website in turn to the point I spend 5 mins max a day, if at all, on the website, with no further interactions…

And I still get upset when I see anyone and everyone I know I could have gotten along with so well back then, have actually gotten well with back then, And want to believe I could still get along well with, When I see them happy and have to always catch myself before I engage with any of it…

I have mostly become a natural at being an observer at this point, But sometimes engage anyway just because through my progression after slowly gaining actual independence that was much overdue, I just feel miserable, feeling like I’ve been being left out…

Because I see it as people loving each other and loving to be around each other…

And I see it as the right way and the way to go…and the way I wish I had back then and still wish I can have now

But growing up, I was taught that being on a short leash and being obedient and never challenging possibly immoral practices and accepting expensive gifts That my traumatized parent could barely afford just to keep me happy was the “love” I should have expected from anyone…

My other parent had to have so many discussions with me to make me realize otherwise. It took me a lot longer just because I did like the gifts, But I also felt unsafe talking to my non-traumatized parent because there was always the chance my traumatized Parent would hear the words I’d say, Even if it would not have been about them and they couldn’t hear any full conversation…

The traumatized parent always accused my sister and I of favoring our other parent, and scolded my sister much more often for even little things that didn’t matter as much in the scheme of life progression in the long run (the parent now tries to punish her for actually having moved to the other parent by attempting to forgo paying tuition)

I wanted to escape from that.

From the abuse I have had to almost every day figure out how to avoid, and I forgot it was that way in high school, a little bit before high school, And during the two years I was back home from college after flunking out of my first run

I had a lasting trauma from it all, And I didn’t realize I had it so bad that I was negatively affecting others…

Especially to the point I almost had that one relationship that is the only fair reason any call-out document should have been written about me at the point it was almost starting to have been developed… (we should never talk to each other again, swimmy fish, and I wish I could have given sincere apologies then, but I hope you’re doing well)

The rest of the behaviors? Not unfair to call-out, but not with any overflow documents like the ones that exist at this point, please ;-;

I literally get upset when I want to much more civilly approach anyone for any reason these days, especially commissions…

And I get more upset when I’m blasted in en-masse scales Instead of being confronted face-to-face about whether I make anyone else uncomfortable.

I myself have started to realize a long time ago that I needed to change, but I did not know where to begin. I tried A few efforts, but always fell apart because I didn’t realize I was suffering

and I want to atone at this point

Even if I can’t have all the friends I have had before back, I miss the ones that were important to me, and even the ones who I was important to to various degrees.

I want to actually show that I have changed. I know that I get angry whenever I get called out, But the reason I’ve fled past the point I’ve made my first very hard epiphany?

Past the time I almost actually got to know my once favorite artist?

When I asked stupidly about how she got a very unique name on Picarto when I should have just left it at the wonder to begin with?

But also because I thought it was my first actually major stepping stone towards my improvement when I just unfortunately was in the worst parts of my life, having dropped out of college due to the war with my traumatic self?

.


……i just wasn’t in the right state of mind at all and fleeing from problems became the unfortunate best solution I can think of to save my own mental health back then….

I didn’t realize that me running without explaining to some people even let them down further and even myself much more so than if I’d just come clean

But I didn’t know how back because I was legitimately subconsciously taught to be afraid of both standing up for myself and owning up to myself, even in some online spaces before I even found anything online to do with Spyro

I have been thinking about myself and my actions through several life-altering events that being on my own has taught me, and realized I'd been at fault for much of what I'd been called out for, but that my actions were also the product of being subconsciously taught some behaviors that turned out to be malicious was "healthy" somehow


.

….but I really wanted that point I almost got to know that artist to be the turning point to my actual happiness and earning of love

Just any


And it didn’t have to be romantic and I would have kept it platonic the whole time if I was properly taught the differences of the feelings of platonic, crush, and romantic that was actually worth chasing……

It would have been just a blessful thank you for me to still appreciate anyone and everyone who I want to love even *seeing* at this point…

And it took me so long to even realize what a “friend” was because of all I wrote, too, and took any kindness from anyone as them wanting to be my friend

But……

….I’m sorry….crysaur…ke….dea….sau…coo…bla…peppy…ki…ne….sq…po…..rei…ner….rn…mis…sa…h…

…..everyone…