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One Thing I Have To Get Off My Chest
4 years ago
General
"It was like two colors existed - deep black and the red of the fire" I can't remember, I don't understand, is it malice that makes you this way?
Carry it with you 'til someone forgives you, I laugh 'cuz there's nothing to say. For those that are expecting a pretty light journal entry, you might want to just delete this from your notifications and just move on. I'm going to discuss something that I feel is pretty serious going on in my life...which means I'm gonna break down my fourth wall for a bit, put aside the kayfabe and be real for a moment. This could be a long post, so if you're not up to reading it, no shame or s*** of my back at all. Definitely not the nicest way to word it, but...anyway...
January 2021...This was the most recent time I attended a furmeet. Upon writing this entry, on Friday, November 5th 2021, will be 10 months since I have done anything furry related.
Back in July of earlier this year, I attended GalaxyCon with the love of my life and enjoyed being able to suit at a convention again. This was the last time I did something furry...and enjoyed it. Kinda negates the previous statement, but being that this was a con that encompasses and even invites a lot of fandoms, it kinda fits, not negates.
Y'all...I am just not happy these days. I'm not finding any drive...I'm not finding any motivation to suit. Hell, I'm even struggling to step outside and go to a furmeet. What's even more alarming is I'm finding it really difficult to even enjoy the fandom these days. How? In the best explanation I can give...I just don't find anything or feel like I've anything in common with the majority these days. I'm not playing the same games...I'm not watching the same things...I'm not doing the same things that most in the fandom assumingly are doing. I'm just assuming this is the case, so my apologies if that indeed in fact is not the case...but one thing I won't assume, one thing I know is a fact...is the feeling that I just don't feel happy anymore. I just don't feel like...well...like I have the same things in common, and this is giving me a sense of...I guess it's loneliness? Maybe depression? I don't want to go to the extremes in saying that it IS depression, but I won't necessarily rule it out.
So for starters, I have Telegram. Sounds good, right? Yeah, everyone could afford to have some sort of social platform to be on, especially in the sense that it helps find others, like you, to talk with and share common interests in. But that's my catch...Common Interests. I'm really finding it hard these days to enjoy communicating and talking with other furs...simply because those that I want to...don't have the same things in common with me. Which brings me to my next, probably bigger issue...
Group conversations. These days I don't even think about joining any either small or large chats. I'm finding it tough these days, time, energy, and heart...to accept and join chats. Any time I feel like I've not messaged in a while or said anything...I feel left out. I want to message, but I resist that for some reason or another. Do I want to join chats...every now and then, yes I do. But that brings back up the previous...I just don't find them enjoyable when it's hard to talk with others about things that I know or things that they know. These conversations, to me, are the hardest to enjoy...but I'm struggling seeing the opposite. I'm struggling to see "Well, maybe they have something in common with you that you don't know about yet". Which brings up a much larger point.
Furmeets/Socialization. I just struggle...the hardest I have ever struggled...to want to go to anything furry. I no longer go to parties...I no longer go to meets...I have even gone above and beyond and cancelled my ticket to FWA. I just...don't...want to. I just don't feel it inside me. That drive just ain't there. That want to go and be social is just something that...as I describe it to the few that wonder why...I have to feel like I've got people to go see...or a finite reason to attend...or else I'm not going. One recent meet saw this unfold - Friend of mine on Facebook mentioned that they were going to a local meet, that they were going to suit there for the first time in their new suit, and felt like having someone there who had some of the same things in common with them would basically help them ease into the atmosphere. I wanted to...FA...GODDAMN I WANTED TO. But look who stayed home in the end. That's when I felt the depression hit me. That's when I felt like I didn't belong. That's when I felt like that outsider...that's when I felt like everything I had said I was about being a Lone Wolf...showed me to the mirror and said "Ya wanna be it...ya got it big shot" and bam...right here I am. I no longer feel like I am a part of any group...yet deep down I don't honestly need to feel that way. I need to feel the opposite. I want to feel the opposite.
Friends? This is gonna be the painful part for me...this is gonna hurt me...but...
I don't feel I have any at this point. I'm finding it really tough to talk to anyone. I gave up...going to my first big fur con...FWA...all because I felt like I didn't belong. Feeling like the friends I was going with...weren't my friends at all...not my friends anymore...all because we're not talking. And yeah, I'll say it. Most, if not all of that, is on me. I need to take that initiative to, when I feel something, to discuss it with someone, to hopefully see that alleviated. Not stay the fuck silent and expect to fix it on my own or expect time to fix it. 'cause that ain't gonna happen. Shit like that's just not gonna fix itself. Matter was never really created OR destroyed in that sense.
So FurAffinity...yeah, there's a problem. I've got a problem. And all I can say is that...I really wish someone took the time to read this or in fact takes the time to read this later on. I really wish someone takes the time out of their busy day to...well...just say "it's okay, Shadow" and will help me out here. That's all I can ask for.
I know what I'm feeling isn't right...and I know that it's not something I need to feel or want to feel the rest of my life. I know this is something that WE can fix.
January 2021...This was the most recent time I attended a furmeet. Upon writing this entry, on Friday, November 5th 2021, will be 10 months since I have done anything furry related.
Back in July of earlier this year, I attended GalaxyCon with the love of my life and enjoyed being able to suit at a convention again. This was the last time I did something furry...and enjoyed it. Kinda negates the previous statement, but being that this was a con that encompasses and even invites a lot of fandoms, it kinda fits, not negates.
Y'all...I am just not happy these days. I'm not finding any drive...I'm not finding any motivation to suit. Hell, I'm even struggling to step outside and go to a furmeet. What's even more alarming is I'm finding it really difficult to even enjoy the fandom these days. How? In the best explanation I can give...I just don't find anything or feel like I've anything in common with the majority these days. I'm not playing the same games...I'm not watching the same things...I'm not doing the same things that most in the fandom assumingly are doing. I'm just assuming this is the case, so my apologies if that indeed in fact is not the case...but one thing I won't assume, one thing I know is a fact...is the feeling that I just don't feel happy anymore. I just don't feel like...well...like I have the same things in common, and this is giving me a sense of...I guess it's loneliness? Maybe depression? I don't want to go to the extremes in saying that it IS depression, but I won't necessarily rule it out.
So for starters, I have Telegram. Sounds good, right? Yeah, everyone could afford to have some sort of social platform to be on, especially in the sense that it helps find others, like you, to talk with and share common interests in. But that's my catch...Common Interests. I'm really finding it hard these days to enjoy communicating and talking with other furs...simply because those that I want to...don't have the same things in common with me. Which brings me to my next, probably bigger issue...
Group conversations. These days I don't even think about joining any either small or large chats. I'm finding it tough these days, time, energy, and heart...to accept and join chats. Any time I feel like I've not messaged in a while or said anything...I feel left out. I want to message, but I resist that for some reason or another. Do I want to join chats...every now and then, yes I do. But that brings back up the previous...I just don't find them enjoyable when it's hard to talk with others about things that I know or things that they know. These conversations, to me, are the hardest to enjoy...but I'm struggling seeing the opposite. I'm struggling to see "Well, maybe they have something in common with you that you don't know about yet". Which brings up a much larger point.
Furmeets/Socialization. I just struggle...the hardest I have ever struggled...to want to go to anything furry. I no longer go to parties...I no longer go to meets...I have even gone above and beyond and cancelled my ticket to FWA. I just...don't...want to. I just don't feel it inside me. That drive just ain't there. That want to go and be social is just something that...as I describe it to the few that wonder why...I have to feel like I've got people to go see...or a finite reason to attend...or else I'm not going. One recent meet saw this unfold - Friend of mine on Facebook mentioned that they were going to a local meet, that they were going to suit there for the first time in their new suit, and felt like having someone there who had some of the same things in common with them would basically help them ease into the atmosphere. I wanted to...FA...GODDAMN I WANTED TO. But look who stayed home in the end. That's when I felt the depression hit me. That's when I felt like I didn't belong. That's when I felt like that outsider...that's when I felt like everything I had said I was about being a Lone Wolf...showed me to the mirror and said "Ya wanna be it...ya got it big shot" and bam...right here I am. I no longer feel like I am a part of any group...yet deep down I don't honestly need to feel that way. I need to feel the opposite. I want to feel the opposite.
Friends? This is gonna be the painful part for me...this is gonna hurt me...but...
I don't feel I have any at this point. I'm finding it really tough to talk to anyone. I gave up...going to my first big fur con...FWA...all because I felt like I didn't belong. Feeling like the friends I was going with...weren't my friends at all...not my friends anymore...all because we're not talking. And yeah, I'll say it. Most, if not all of that, is on me. I need to take that initiative to, when I feel something, to discuss it with someone, to hopefully see that alleviated. Not stay the fuck silent and expect to fix it on my own or expect time to fix it. 'cause that ain't gonna happen. Shit like that's just not gonna fix itself. Matter was never really created OR destroyed in that sense.
So FurAffinity...yeah, there's a problem. I've got a problem. And all I can say is that...I really wish someone took the time to read this or in fact takes the time to read this later on. I really wish someone takes the time out of their busy day to...well...just say "it's okay, Shadow" and will help me out here. That's all I can ask for.
I know what I'm feeling isn't right...and I know that it's not something I need to feel or want to feel the rest of my life. I know this is something that WE can fix.
Zipperlovingcatto
~zipperlovingcatto
im honestly not sure if this helps but if u do need someone to talk to, im here. i usually dont message ppl on FA that much cuz i mainly use this account to post artwork and to see others artwork. so i typically dont talk to ppl on this site. but u dont have have to ride the band wagon all the time. theres no reason to do everything others are doing. its ur choice. if u want to sure but u dont have to do things JUST becuz ppl are doing said thing. idk, im hoping im not being rude here by saying this.
