December 12th, 2012 marked the beginning of a new and dare I say historic chapter in my life. A year and 11 months prior to that point, I had watched a YouTube video on furries...and honestly I laughed at it...but thinking back at what it was I watched, I...had to have laughed that off. After that, I did some thinking to myself "Man...hate to admit it...but that was actually kinda...cool". And that's how it got the ball rolling.

That video sparked a drive, and that video lit a fire that no one in my life from that point on could quell. I had not only the burning desire to be that fursuiter, but I had that drive to join the crowd. I remember looking online for these fursonas that the video mentioned...I remember looking at what fursona matched you with your personality, and I remember finding out that I best fit the wolf.

And so I had...a wolf...

But I didn't have a name...I didn't have colors...I didn't have anything but just a species. And then I went further...I had to look at fursuits.

Thank you Nick and Thank you Lacy for THAT ONE. Little known secret. Fursuiting dot com.

I saw a suit...black and red...and I knew that couldn't be me as that was someone else that I know on the internet now. 'Sup DarkShadowWolf!

So I made some alterations. Full black and full red arms and legs, half black and half red tail...no hair at first. Completely different.

But the name...Shadow...that stuck with me. It was like someone was pulling at a heartstring. I not only liked the name...I loved it. I always followed in someone's shadow. I was always in the shadows of the normal. In the shadows of the crowd.

Well...my name...is Shadow Wolf. And I became Shadow Wolf.
______

I remember 2012 was a pretty up and down year. Starting out on a down with being broken into and losing thousands of dollars in valuables that I couldn't ever try to replace. I remember the next closest things I could hold to me were...two HIM CDs, my new FightStick controller...and honestly my dream to being a fursuiter. Honestly it felt hopeless at that point.

I remember going through college thinking to myself "Just go to college...go to class...read this...do that...learn this...know that...study this and study that". I had no drive until...well...someone told me Balto was released on DVD...a cartoon classic based on the true story. I remember getting my hands on that DVD and watching it on an off night from college...and I honestly remember watching it, crying, thinking to myself "I have to be like Balto...I can't give up. My mother is telling me not to. Just go on with extra motivation!"

Maybe losing those things were just...a sign.

I remember graduating college, and on that same day, I remember joining here...FurAffinity. Had I not done that, who the hell knows. I mostly motivated myself to cap and gown and walking the stage with diploma in hand.

I remember that summer, I decided to introduce myself to the Carolina Furs, both on here, their forum, and even Facebook. Those who are still there...my sincerest thanks to you for this wild ride we've been on. 'cause had it not been for THAT jump, I would have never found...her.

I remember one afternoon writing and browsing FurAffinity when I noticed the now old page for what was my fursuit maker. And I did a LOT of thinking. That week...that week in June...from going to Carolina Furs, to now...a fursuit maker...it was another sign. June marked the sixth month in the year. And what was my number? Six.

I honestly felt like destiny was calling for me.

And from that point on, I know what I needed to do...write. Write that girl a note! Introduce myself. And I thought to myself "Let's Do This, Shadow".
______

That was a bad summer...a hot summer...working in the yard, the frustration, the arguments, the therapy sessions...the time we weren't getting to rest. But when fall came...fall saw the LAST...THE VERY LAST...payment. Pictures did nothing but tease me on the progress of what the suit looked like. It filled me with much more that determination. Excitement. Knowing that the beginning of the year started out so rough was now seeing this come to what I thought would be...almost divinity. Almost as if someone was apologizing for what pain I went through and saying "It's gonna be okay...you're going to see that disappear, but in the end, you're going to receive a gift that's going to be miles above ANYTHING you've ever had".
______

Winter was fast approaching and Christmas was literally 13 days away. It was now December 12th, 2012 and I was sitting in my dining room, writing away once again. I had been writing my thoughts and my feelings all this time. From closeted feelings, to...others. But more just about wanting to suit. More about wanting to chase that dream. And I remember seeing the mail truck stop at my mailbox. I knew it was close...I could feel it.

...and then he backed up...and turned into my driveway.

I raced to the door, swung the door opened and met my buddy mailman at the door. He and I have known each other for SO SO long. I had all eyes on his truck bed...and there it was...There It Was.

A white and blue box with red accented letter.

I had to sign off for it. But the moment I brought it in, I could feel the tears well up in my eyes...much like they're doing now in writing this honestly. I know the phone rang and...it was my mom. She asked if the mail had come yet and I told her it did...she then asked if it came and I excitedly told her it did. She wasn't going to be long. She told me to "enjoy it"...and I thanked her. And mom, I still thank you. You not only kept me determined, you helped me through it all.

I remember, with tears in my eyes, opening the box and I began pulling out the pieces, wrapped up protected inside. I couldn't believe what was going on. It still feels like I wasn't living this. It felt like I was in a dream. Like I was in full fantasy all of a sudden.

And I tried on everything...I got in suit for the very first time. I walked room to room, ears hanging on all the damned light fixtures. I remember looking in all the mirrors...walking room to room with a smile on my face.
______

In 10 years time, I have been through...if it won't everything, it was a LOT. A lot of highs that I couldn't believe. A lot of lows. I've seen people come and go, whether in real time, or online. I've done a lot of stupid shit too...things I still regret. Things that I'm still reminded of. But all that aside...nothing tops seeing an actual dream come true.

While many have moved on from here, or from me period...I do have to thank all of those who have come into my life at a time when this dream was real...when pure happiness was felt, when maybe there were mixed emotions, confusion or what not. When it was a good time. Times are still good, but these days a lot gets shrouded by the real. The lines blur and become more and more frayed and it's harder to remember that there are still good days to be had. Time is going on day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute and second by second. Stress still likes to make itself known...but you want to know what else likes to make itself known?

Shadow Wolf

I can come home from work and unlock my doors and be greeted by him. Each night I go to bed and he's perched on my tote bin next to my loving girlfriend's suit...both of them are watching me...and I'm reminded that as I close my eyes each night "There's your dream...you've gotten it done twice now...success never felt so good. A dream come true never felt so real."

It's an inert feeling...once you've had a taste of the success, it's there with you for life. You want more of it. And for me being able to fursuit now even 10 years later...I still want to do it. I still enjoy it.

I don't think I'll ever have a bad day suiting.
______

Shadow is much more than a suit...it's a realization. It's a reminder that, if you have something you want done in this life...time is of the essence. Get out there and do it. And more importantly, have faith in yourself. Believe in the Higher Power(s), if your faith especially stems even further. Don't give up...things are gonna happen. Your will gets tested everyday. Your strength determines everything. Don't break. Don't show weakness. Laugh, and more importantly, keep going. Remind yourself that you're strong, that you're still alive, and as long as you're still alive...YOU'RE the difference maker. You make things happen.

It's been 10 years...wow!

Here's to many...many more.