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I'm Waking Up
4 years ago
Commissions are temporarily closed
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I have not been me for so long. Years. 2014? 2015? Longer?
I lost time. I lost strength. I would try to do some things and then I couldn't maintain it. I would collapse. But they were always things I'd done before, always things I knew I could do.
I haven't actually seen pictures of how bad my bedroom looked back in August or July, but I've been told it was pretty horrific. I have one photo from April. It shows myy cat, Pico, wearing an empty paper bag like it's a cape.
The room looks horrible.
I knew I wasn't all there a few months ago, but naturally, I assumed it had something to do with the fact that the whole world had been thrown out of wack by a deadly viral epidemic. I had thought it had been months of not being able to think, but it turns out, it was years. Years of not being me.
I don't know how to write this in a proper, fully arranged and reasonable manner. So let me try to tell you about the last four months of my life as best as I can.
In July, my house was a mess. Nobody except my friends and girlfriend had been in it since my father died in 2017. Mom hadn't seen it, but she told me and my girlfriend to try to fix it by the time she got back.
We didn't do anything. Time just... Passed, with nothing happening. Even when I took my Focalin, a concentration medication, I couldn't think. I knew I was taking my medication, so I knew I should have been able to do some things. For a while, a year or two maybe, I had been able to at least do a bit of writing most days, and though it had taken everything I had it was something.
I remember I would finish off writing a story and I would be unable to move. But I had at least done it.
In August, my mother came back from vacation. My girlfriend had planned to try to catch up and do at least SOMETHING before she came, but she came early. She said she wouldn't judge anything. But when she got there, it was... Much worse than expected, and she was very angry. She threatened to throw my girlfriend out on the streets and send me to live in an assisted living home.
We worked, over the next week, and got things in order. That was good. But it took an insane amount of effort. Especially because I had not been able to consistently get my insurance to approve my medication.
A few days after that week, my therapist decided to switch me from Focalin (Dexmethylphenidate) to Concerta (Methylphenidate.)
I was... Hopeful. I had a bit more focus, a bit more capacityy to be present. But I was never quite 'there.' I felt tired as well as more focused.
We worked on upping the medication slowly, to try to get me to a safe point. At 16mg, I was feeling hopeful. At 32mg, I was feeling a bit drowsy, but hey, this is a stimulant so when we up it again it'll all work, right?
54mg became a sedative.
I didn't quite realize it at first, because it was a stimulant, but it was putting me to sleep. I would take these 54 mg of methylphenidate, which you can guess from that first syllable is something that can cause insomnia, and I would just fall asleep for 8, 10, 12, even 14 hours.
So my doctor decided to put me back on Focalin.
But, fortunately for me, she made a mistake. She misread her notes, and instead sent a prescription for 15mg, not of Dexmethylphenidate, but of Dextroamphetamine.
And I woke up.
I mean, I don't quite understand how to make it relatable. I imagine, if I regularly used alcohol or some other recreational drug, I might have a point of comparison. But I don't know. All I know is that I could notice things I hadn't seen. I could work for more than an hour or two without feeling like I wanted to collapse and die. When my girlfriend asked me to do things, I could actually do them, and I wouldn't end up failing or forgetting. Now, if I said I would do something, I did it.
I don't know. I wish I could describe it in a way I was sure of. Maybe it was like... Like if you've ever had jetlag, and so for some time you're just not all there, but one day you're able to finally get enough sleep, and see how sleep deprivation had effected yyou. Or maybe like those memes, you know the ones, where it's a bunch of people dressed like it's 2008 looking at the camera, and it says "Pandemic? President Trump? What are you talking about? You hit your head pretty bad, come on, let's go listen to "Panic! At the Disco" while we drive to the see the Iron Man movie!"
Kinda like that, I guess. Sure, the world's fucked, but alll the psychological stuff that had been bugging me, that had been making me afraid I'd never get a chance to do any of the things I hoped to do, that I was just permanently too broken... That's all gone. I'm me again.
I don't know.
All I know is I hadn't been awake, fully awake, in so long. I hadn't seen the world around me for so long.
I know I have neglected a lot of people. I know I have failed to do a lot of what I intended. I know I have so much to do. Over the last several years, I've lost friends, I've lost people I was close to.. Either because of something I did or - More likelyy - Something I didn't do. I didn't realize it, but I almost lost my relationship with my girlfriend as well. God, I almost got her or me killed, I couldn't tell the problem with the car, and since I was the one who would need to get it fixed, and I ignored it, it kept breaking down. The front left wheel fell off. Twice. Once while she was all the way over in Central Massachusetts, but had fortunately spent several minutes parking. The second time it disconnected, but she was able to take a back way home. If she'd gone on the highway, it would have fallen off if she hit around 40-50 MPH. (65-80 for those who use kilometers)
To all the people I've hurt, I'm sorry. I don't know how different it is now. And I don't know if either of us are ready to reconnect. To anyone I've heard who purchased something from me, I'm even more sorry. If you're angry at me, it's rightly so. I didn't know what I was doing. I'm suddenly aware of things I wasn't, and... Well... I'm sorry. I might have - Secretly - Thought you were being unreasonable. But I was the unreasonable one. My mind rationalized reasons for whatever it was that made me fail, but it turns out, they were wrong. I was trying to do something my body couldn't. And I didn't realize it. I should have realized it. I'm sorryy.
I don't know what comes next. It's like finding someone who you haven't seen in years.
To all the people who have stuck by me, even when I broke promises or didn't message you for days, weeks, months, or years - Thank you. You didn't need to be here for me. I might not be willing to reach out quite yet, but I'll at least respond if you send me a PM. Now, at least, even if I ahdn't before.
To the people who left, and who are angry - You are right to be angry. The fact that it was a medical issue doesn't change anything. I tried to do something, and I failed. Despite having a genius-level IQ, I also failed to notice the pattern of failure. That is on me, and your anger is real and appropriate.
If you want to give me a second chance, I'd appreciate it. If that bridge is burned, I don't want you to feellike you should give me another chance. I'm the one who burnt it, and if it's burnt for good, you shouldn't feel bad about that. Your emotions, your reactions, your feelings about me, are all real and valid and nothing I have said so far should change that. I wish I hadn't. But I did. It's on me, not you.
To everyone else, take care of yourself.
As for what comes next, I don't know. I know I have a large number of stories I had written that I just didn't have the mental fortitude at the time to post, so I might post those. There's at least two Christmas stories that seem to have been written for the same person, which is weird because they were written the same year, but hey, that's cool. Some human stuff, some furry, some monster/etc. We'll see what comes next.
I'm done making promises I can't keep. So I won't make promises about what comes next. All I'll say is - Wait and see. Because as I've already found out, it's a lot easier to get work done when you're awake.
I love you all. But especially Alexis and Zach. Thank you.
I lost time. I lost strength. I would try to do some things and then I couldn't maintain it. I would collapse. But they were always things I'd done before, always things I knew I could do.
I haven't actually seen pictures of how bad my bedroom looked back in August or July, but I've been told it was pretty horrific. I have one photo from April. It shows myy cat, Pico, wearing an empty paper bag like it's a cape.
The room looks horrible.
I knew I wasn't all there a few months ago, but naturally, I assumed it had something to do with the fact that the whole world had been thrown out of wack by a deadly viral epidemic. I had thought it had been months of not being able to think, but it turns out, it was years. Years of not being me.
I don't know how to write this in a proper, fully arranged and reasonable manner. So let me try to tell you about the last four months of my life as best as I can.
In July, my house was a mess. Nobody except my friends and girlfriend had been in it since my father died in 2017. Mom hadn't seen it, but she told me and my girlfriend to try to fix it by the time she got back.
We didn't do anything. Time just... Passed, with nothing happening. Even when I took my Focalin, a concentration medication, I couldn't think. I knew I was taking my medication, so I knew I should have been able to do some things. For a while, a year or two maybe, I had been able to at least do a bit of writing most days, and though it had taken everything I had it was something.
I remember I would finish off writing a story and I would be unable to move. But I had at least done it.
In August, my mother came back from vacation. My girlfriend had planned to try to catch up and do at least SOMETHING before she came, but she came early. She said she wouldn't judge anything. But when she got there, it was... Much worse than expected, and she was very angry. She threatened to throw my girlfriend out on the streets and send me to live in an assisted living home.
We worked, over the next week, and got things in order. That was good. But it took an insane amount of effort. Especially because I had not been able to consistently get my insurance to approve my medication.
A few days after that week, my therapist decided to switch me from Focalin (Dexmethylphenidate) to Concerta (Methylphenidate.)
I was... Hopeful. I had a bit more focus, a bit more capacityy to be present. But I was never quite 'there.' I felt tired as well as more focused.
We worked on upping the medication slowly, to try to get me to a safe point. At 16mg, I was feeling hopeful. At 32mg, I was feeling a bit drowsy, but hey, this is a stimulant so when we up it again it'll all work, right?
54mg became a sedative.
I didn't quite realize it at first, because it was a stimulant, but it was putting me to sleep. I would take these 54 mg of methylphenidate, which you can guess from that first syllable is something that can cause insomnia, and I would just fall asleep for 8, 10, 12, even 14 hours.
So my doctor decided to put me back on Focalin.
But, fortunately for me, she made a mistake. She misread her notes, and instead sent a prescription for 15mg, not of Dexmethylphenidate, but of Dextroamphetamine.
And I woke up.
I mean, I don't quite understand how to make it relatable. I imagine, if I regularly used alcohol or some other recreational drug, I might have a point of comparison. But I don't know. All I know is that I could notice things I hadn't seen. I could work for more than an hour or two without feeling like I wanted to collapse and die. When my girlfriend asked me to do things, I could actually do them, and I wouldn't end up failing or forgetting. Now, if I said I would do something, I did it.
I don't know. I wish I could describe it in a way I was sure of. Maybe it was like... Like if you've ever had jetlag, and so for some time you're just not all there, but one day you're able to finally get enough sleep, and see how sleep deprivation had effected yyou. Or maybe like those memes, you know the ones, where it's a bunch of people dressed like it's 2008 looking at the camera, and it says "Pandemic? President Trump? What are you talking about? You hit your head pretty bad, come on, let's go listen to "Panic! At the Disco" while we drive to the see the Iron Man movie!"
Kinda like that, I guess. Sure, the world's fucked, but alll the psychological stuff that had been bugging me, that had been making me afraid I'd never get a chance to do any of the things I hoped to do, that I was just permanently too broken... That's all gone. I'm me again.
I don't know.
All I know is I hadn't been awake, fully awake, in so long. I hadn't seen the world around me for so long.
I know I have neglected a lot of people. I know I have failed to do a lot of what I intended. I know I have so much to do. Over the last several years, I've lost friends, I've lost people I was close to.. Either because of something I did or - More likelyy - Something I didn't do. I didn't realize it, but I almost lost my relationship with my girlfriend as well. God, I almost got her or me killed, I couldn't tell the problem with the car, and since I was the one who would need to get it fixed, and I ignored it, it kept breaking down. The front left wheel fell off. Twice. Once while she was all the way over in Central Massachusetts, but had fortunately spent several minutes parking. The second time it disconnected, but she was able to take a back way home. If she'd gone on the highway, it would have fallen off if she hit around 40-50 MPH. (65-80 for those who use kilometers)
To all the people I've hurt, I'm sorry. I don't know how different it is now. And I don't know if either of us are ready to reconnect. To anyone I've heard who purchased something from me, I'm even more sorry. If you're angry at me, it's rightly so. I didn't know what I was doing. I'm suddenly aware of things I wasn't, and... Well... I'm sorry. I might have - Secretly - Thought you were being unreasonable. But I was the unreasonable one. My mind rationalized reasons for whatever it was that made me fail, but it turns out, they were wrong. I was trying to do something my body couldn't. And I didn't realize it. I should have realized it. I'm sorryy.
I don't know what comes next. It's like finding someone who you haven't seen in years.
To all the people who have stuck by me, even when I broke promises or didn't message you for days, weeks, months, or years - Thank you. You didn't need to be here for me. I might not be willing to reach out quite yet, but I'll at least respond if you send me a PM. Now, at least, even if I ahdn't before.
To the people who left, and who are angry - You are right to be angry. The fact that it was a medical issue doesn't change anything. I tried to do something, and I failed. Despite having a genius-level IQ, I also failed to notice the pattern of failure. That is on me, and your anger is real and appropriate.
If you want to give me a second chance, I'd appreciate it. If that bridge is burned, I don't want you to feellike you should give me another chance. I'm the one who burnt it, and if it's burnt for good, you shouldn't feel bad about that. Your emotions, your reactions, your feelings about me, are all real and valid and nothing I have said so far should change that. I wish I hadn't. But I did. It's on me, not you.
To everyone else, take care of yourself.
As for what comes next, I don't know. I know I have a large number of stories I had written that I just didn't have the mental fortitude at the time to post, so I might post those. There's at least two Christmas stories that seem to have been written for the same person, which is weird because they were written the same year, but hey, that's cool. Some human stuff, some furry, some monster/etc. We'll see what comes next.
I'm done making promises I can't keep. So I won't make promises about what comes next. All I'll say is - Wait and see. Because as I've already found out, it's a lot easier to get work done when you're awake.
I love you all. But especially Alexis and Zach. Thank you.
Please take the time you need. I know what it feels like to suddenly "wake up". It feels REALLY nice to finally be able to get a solid week or two of steady sleep in after a bout of sleep deprivation. I feel more alert, I feel sharper, like I did back in my High School days, and not so mentally tired all the time. And it goes back n' forth.
And whenever you feel up to writing again, I'll be waiting patiently, as I've said before, no rush, I am never in a rush! Also feel free to just hit me up if you ever need someone to vent to!
You've been through so much. And you're still here. You really are an amazing person. And I'm glad you've woken up. Let's hope this is the start of a brand new day and things will get better now. I look forward to seeing what you've written and what you might right in the future.
Sounds like the drugs took you through hell and back. Thank God you're on something better now.
I know I wasn't there for you all the time. And for a long time it was probably better that I wasn't. But I'm glad there were people who were there for you always.
As for me. There was anger, but it's not there anymore. At least not towards you. And I've had time to reflect on my actions too. I was clinging to you too tightly. I hope that's behind me. If you ever want to talk in PMs or over Discord. I'm up for it. But if not, it's fine :)
God bless you. Give my best to Zach and Alexis. And I say this a lot. But stay awesome man!