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Loss
4 years ago
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I‘ll be honest, I‘m not entirely sure on how to even start writing this. I just know that I want to and that I have to share what has been going on with me and my life lately, because I can‘t keep everything bottled up much longer. So to preface this I‘m gonna just straight up apologize in case this gets confusing, messy or something else along those lines.
I have been constantly living in fear this entire year. Everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. I lost my dear Krümel, my companion of 12 years, whos loss I still haven‘t fully gotten over. I‘ve lost my physical and mental health, which I thought I had just reaquired. I lost a relationship that was and still is very dear to my heart. And now, after thinking this year couldn‘t possibly find a way to kick me even more while I‘m already down, I‘m losing my family aswell. Our home, my parents, my little brother – everyone is breaking apart and all I can do is stand and watch and keep the collateral as small as possible.
And that is slowly killing me. I‘ve become so embarrassed with myself, only having bad news and not being able to keep it together at night when I‘m alone – I hate myself for not being as strong as I'd like to be. So once again I resorted to my old methods and hid away. Cut contact to almost any- and everyone in an attempt to fix all that myself, to not disappoint anyone even further. How can I help my friends when I can‘t even help myself..?
I‘ve been stuck in this mental-downward-spiral for almost a year now. I don‘t know how to get out of it, I don‘t know how to fix it, with the exception of the most radical methods, that then again wouldn‘t be of much help for anyone. All I think I‘m sure of is that I have to break my silence. I have to admit to myself that I can‘t keep doing and handling everything on my own. And this I suppose is my first attempt to do so…
I‘m sorry for the lengthy rant, vent, or whatever this qualifies for and occupying your time if you‘ve read this far. I just have one question: Can you forgive me…?
- To be deleted
I have been constantly living in fear this entire year. Everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. I lost my dear Krümel, my companion of 12 years, whos loss I still haven‘t fully gotten over. I‘ve lost my physical and mental health, which I thought I had just reaquired. I lost a relationship that was and still is very dear to my heart. And now, after thinking this year couldn‘t possibly find a way to kick me even more while I‘m already down, I‘m losing my family aswell. Our home, my parents, my little brother – everyone is breaking apart and all I can do is stand and watch and keep the collateral as small as possible.
And that is slowly killing me. I‘ve become so embarrassed with myself, only having bad news and not being able to keep it together at night when I‘m alone – I hate myself for not being as strong as I'd like to be. So once again I resorted to my old methods and hid away. Cut contact to almost any- and everyone in an attempt to fix all that myself, to not disappoint anyone even further. How can I help my friends when I can‘t even help myself..?
I‘ve been stuck in this mental-downward-spiral for almost a year now. I don‘t know how to get out of it, I don‘t know how to fix it, with the exception of the most radical methods, that then again wouldn‘t be of much help for anyone. All I think I‘m sure of is that I have to break my silence. I have to admit to myself that I can‘t keep doing and handling everything on my own. And this I suppose is my first attempt to do so…
I‘m sorry for the lengthy rant, vent, or whatever this qualifies for and occupying your time if you‘ve read this far. I just have one question: Can you forgive me…?
- To be deleted
Our lives are like a adventure, and of course there will be, and always will be obstacles.
That's a struggle that can be hard, or even harder to break. It's like you saying to yourself: I can't do it. How can I possibly do it, it's impossible!
That's where you drown yourself in darkness and despair, a wall inside you that you don't think can't break it by yourself.
But that's just it, only you can break it! Because you created it by yourself inside you, which means only you can break free from it. Listen to the voices, listen to the words that can change you. And those can be courage, inspiration, motivation or love.
There's a lot of people out there worrying about you and caring for you. I'm so sorry to hear that you had to go through what you've been going through, it's such an unfortunate series of events that you should seriously consider getting a lottery ticket... if you allow me that little bit of sarcasm.
We're here to help you, all you have to do is to ask. While there may not be able to do much to change what's happening, we can certainly offer mental support and strength, and a bunch of ears to listen to. Such a lovely person like yourself doesn't deserve to be stuck in a situation like this. But we can only help you if you want us to. We're ready <3
PS: You can't forgive someone if there's nothing to be forgiven. You had your reasons, and it was fully reasonable to act that way. In fact, I think most of us are simply glad to just hear from you again! But if you really insist: Of course, of course you're forgiven <3
@Luna, we are all Happy to see a life sign from you, regardless of the circumstances. Some of us were pretty worried, but as Leni said, you had your reasons and it's fully understandable.
I don't want to repeat everything, just know if you need us, we are here. Always!
I know that there's two sides of a friendship, yet I feel horrible if I can't uphold my side of them, as in the standards I try to uphold within it... but you're right, I have to accept that that sometimes just isn't an option and I have to learn to accept help myself and quit the hiding away for good.
And you're allowed all the sarcasm you wish for, don't worry at all X) I've actually been thinking about getting myself one, I mean, what can go wrong with that... right?
Thank you so much for your thoughtful words and taking the time to write all that. It's bittersweet to read and yet it warms my heart to know that people are still willing to forgive me and offer a helping hand or simple an ear to listen... It means the world to me... 💙
To be fair, I do own a single ticket myself xD Just don't waste too much money on it, alright?
You're very welcome, really. All I wanted to achieve is to tell you that you don't have to be afraid of asking for help, that you're not alone, that we're ready and willing to help. Come here for a big hug, you dork 💙
Please don't feel obliged to start a war for me though, an open ear is more than enough! ;3;
And I won't waste too much, no worries there ^-^
H-Hug...? For me...? Like.. now..? ;^;
Yes, for you, right now! *big, big hug* :D
And I see. I've suffered a lot from the same too, there's just no energy to keep up with everything like we used to. I was just up front with it and told all my friends of my situation and explained that I don't intend to ghost them or fall silent, but sometimes I simply just can't. And all of them have been understanding, accepting and even offered help.
I hope puting everything in words as a start of reaching out again was the right step and things will start picking up from here on again... it can only go up from here, right...? Thank you again, it means the world!
I hope it all works out too. Best wishes! ♥
I'm terribly sorry to hear about everything that's been going on, especially Krümel's passing. I know we don't talk much anymore, but if you need to vent, I'm here as well. Just reach out to someone, anyone. Wish you the best, Lisa. Stay strong.
Eventhough Krümel passed away a few months ago, thinking about him still tears me apart. I just hope he'll remember me fondly - wherever he may be. And yes, that is true, contact has been pretty much cut, but that's okay, I've come to terms with it. Everyone moves on in their lifes, which consequently brings changes, some bigger, some smaller. I just hope you're doing well and have a bright future ahead of yourself.
I'll stay strong, it seems to be the only thing I've been doing right lately... and thank you again 💙
That's where friends help. It's dangerous to close yourself off for too long because you only start to dwell on the negatives. But as cliche as it sounds, there is always a positive, and a reason to keep going. Ultimately it's up to you to decide on which type of person you are, and what sort of future you want for yourself, but my friends were paramount in showing me there is a future. That not everything is lost.
It's hard though. And it will remain hard. But the key is to just not give up.
Your words hit the nail on the head for me. The past months felt like a continued fall with nothing to hold onto as I kept hiding away contionusly, telling myself to toughen up and get it together, be a better friend and surpress any kind of sadness or grief in order to do so - yet I failed miserably. I realize now how dangerous my behaviour has been and that it's time to open up and allow myself to get the help I need. And it's not cliche for me at all, I believe that there's always a reason to keep going and not everything is lost yet - no matter how much it feels like it. I won't give up, not now, not ever.
Thank you for sharing your past and kind words with me, I dearly appreciate all of them 💙