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"...I've gotten worse"
4 years ago
General
"It was like two colors existed - deep black and the red of the fire" I can't remember, I don't understand, is it malice that makes you this way?
Carry it with you 'til someone forgives you, I laugh 'cuz there's nothing to say. Well, I'm going to write an update as to how it's going. My previous entry I mentioned some feelings I've been wanting to express. I finally got the chance to share them and I felt the next thing to do was to try to fix them. Accept things in this instance as problems that really do need my attention and face them and hopefully try to find a solution for them.
In other words, I thought none better to do than to assert myself...get myself back out there...and just talk with the fandom again.
One of the first things I felt like I needed to do more than anything was look through my entire "Friends list" on Facebook and accept that THAT won't real. That was not and IS NOT what it could be. So instead of keeping people that don't even socialize with me, I removed them. And now in Day 10, I am still in the act of removing profiles and unfriending others whom I just no longer feel any connection to or have had no interaction with since adding them. Thank you fucked up Facebook algorithms. I went completely backwards on this one. But...what am I to do, you know? Comment comment comment comment comment and it's just...not helping me feel anything. I just don't feel it.
Bewhiskered went on and I felt excluded. I didn't go. Granted, I didn't want to go...didn't care to go...didn't feel like I had a reason to go. I feel like at this point, I'm just lifeless
About the one thing I have been doing however is getting myself back into Telegram chats. So far I'm in two small chat rooms. I'm not going to dive into large rooms. I don't feel as though they are the right decision for me or the right setting(s). Smaller chats seem to be best where I can fit in someplace or feel like I have a comfortable place to be. The...one thing...I ain't liking right now is the fact that one of them...is a local group. Come to think about it, both of them are...but one in particular isn't the crowd I feel I best fit in with right now or ever did fit in. They're the same crowd that had Bewhiskered this past weekend. But I thought better of it. Instead of running myself away, I went to them. I can't really say it's working right now. I can't really say that...I'm in that group at all. I physically exist, but I still don't fit.
I hate to admit it, but...I've gotten worse. Nothing drives me anymore in this fandom.
I honestly don't know what to do at this point. It's clear to me that the people that I do want to try to socialize with and be with the most...are the same people that don't have the same things in common with me...all while I'm not even molding with or into the groups that DO have the same things in common with me, let alone if I even know about them. Locally it's hard to find the energy to be a part of these more noted groups when more than half of the people in the group wouldn't even recognize some of the things I mention.
One clear cut example of this was chatting with another fur talking about a football game and they just posted a reply that they didn't know anything about football or watched sports. That really didn't sit well with me as...all I could see was the three or four emotes they posted with it. I'm just like "You could have just kept it simple instead of making it look like a fucking picture book". We talked more and more about other things, but it was clear to me that they were beginning to fall out of interest with me. Since then I've not heard a word back from them. And I don't really even feel any need in messaging them at all.
Little things like that are what concern me. I'm struggling with that...struggling very very hard with that.
I'm gonna keep trying but...I fear things are not gonna end well.
In other words, I thought none better to do than to assert myself...get myself back out there...and just talk with the fandom again.
One of the first things I felt like I needed to do more than anything was look through my entire "Friends list" on Facebook and accept that THAT won't real. That was not and IS NOT what it could be. So instead of keeping people that don't even socialize with me, I removed them. And now in Day 10, I am still in the act of removing profiles and unfriending others whom I just no longer feel any connection to or have had no interaction with since adding them. Thank you fucked up Facebook algorithms. I went completely backwards on this one. But...what am I to do, you know? Comment comment comment comment comment and it's just...not helping me feel anything. I just don't feel it.
Bewhiskered went on and I felt excluded. I didn't go. Granted, I didn't want to go...didn't care to go...didn't feel like I had a reason to go. I feel like at this point, I'm just lifeless
About the one thing I have been doing however is getting myself back into Telegram chats. So far I'm in two small chat rooms. I'm not going to dive into large rooms. I don't feel as though they are the right decision for me or the right setting(s). Smaller chats seem to be best where I can fit in someplace or feel like I have a comfortable place to be. The...one thing...I ain't liking right now is the fact that one of them...is a local group. Come to think about it, both of them are...but one in particular isn't the crowd I feel I best fit in with right now or ever did fit in. They're the same crowd that had Bewhiskered this past weekend. But I thought better of it. Instead of running myself away, I went to them. I can't really say it's working right now. I can't really say that...I'm in that group at all. I physically exist, but I still don't fit.
I hate to admit it, but...I've gotten worse. Nothing drives me anymore in this fandom.
I honestly don't know what to do at this point. It's clear to me that the people that I do want to try to socialize with and be with the most...are the same people that don't have the same things in common with me...all while I'm not even molding with or into the groups that DO have the same things in common with me, let alone if I even know about them. Locally it's hard to find the energy to be a part of these more noted groups when more than half of the people in the group wouldn't even recognize some of the things I mention.
One clear cut example of this was chatting with another fur talking about a football game and they just posted a reply that they didn't know anything about football or watched sports. That really didn't sit well with me as...all I could see was the three or four emotes they posted with it. I'm just like "You could have just kept it simple instead of making it look like a fucking picture book". We talked more and more about other things, but it was clear to me that they were beginning to fall out of interest with me. Since then I've not heard a word back from them. And I don't really even feel any need in messaging them at all.
Little things like that are what concern me. I'm struggling with that...struggling very very hard with that.
I'm gonna keep trying but...I fear things are not gonna end well.
