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Coming Out and Moving On [LIFE UPDATE + 1 YEAR HRT!]
4 years ago
Mew mew mew! Hi everyone! ^^
So it's been a little while since I've updated you all here on what's been going on in my life. Actually, I haven't really had the time or energy to update much of anything lately. For that I apologize, as it was my intention to upload more art, but there has been so much stuff going on around me and I've been so overwhelmed with everything that my promised "art avalanche" was more like a light dusting.
I do have plenty more art to upload here in the hopefully near future (as well as over on Patreon which is still up and running by the way, plug plug!) and also a few other projects in the works which I strongly hope to get off the ground eventually (more on those later in another journal).
For the last 5 1/2 months (or perhaps much longer) I haven't been able to focus on much of anything creative. Not only did I not have the energy and limited time due to work, but we got kicked out of our house we were renting for the last 8 years at the end of July (or rather our landlord didn't renew the lease). Apparently he was simply tired of us (and our cats) being there. But whatever, in a way it was time to move on and we simply needed the boot to the ass to do it.
Even though we had about a month of notice, the week leading up to the move date was rather stressful, mostly due to me putting off most of the packing until then.
katalina did her fair share of packing over the course of the whole month, but she was very much not at full strength due to physical recovery from a major surgery a few months prior. On top of that, I was determined to record a slew of fursuit videos that I had been planning to shoot for a long time and had been building up to for a few years but couldn't find the time. Turns out I had to make time, but by then it was too late.
I have noticed that it is my custom to leave certain projects unfinished for large amounts of time, including fursuit videos which are location specific (namely, where I live at the time) and then when I have to move I desperately try in vain to cram as much project time into the last few weeks as I can, much like cramming for college finals. Procrastination isn't just a habit for me, it's a way of life. Sadly. :(
Anyways, the end result was I shot some videos but ran out of time to finish what I planned, I woefully underestimated the time it took to tear down my office full of wall-to-wall-to-ceiling posters, pictures, records, badges etc, pack everything I own, move it all including heavy furniture into a U-haul (which we had to extend 6 days due to it taking so damn long) and move everything into a storage unit that was far too small and cramped, plus trying as best I could to deep clean the house (which there really wasn't much I could do, it wasn't going to be clean enough) all of this basically by myself because again, Kat was not well.
It was hell. It was so much work and it took so long. I had two bad emotional breakdowns because there just wasn't enough time. Eventually I had to throw in the towel because it was taking too long and costing too much, and we took the last of our crap and our confused cats and left it how it was.
After the dust settled and the U-Haul was finally returned, me and Kat were settled in with Mom at her house. We were fortunate that Mom decided to let us stay after first saying it wouldn't be possible, because she was also looking to move soon. So we knew it would be a very temporary situation, but it's not like we could afford to just jump into a new apartment.
But staying with Mom had some early complications... mainly our cats weren't allowed to be in the house because Mom didn't want them damaging the property or giving the dogs fleas (which they did anyways since we had to keep them in the bathroom for a while until an enclosure could be made outside).
And also, Mom did not know I was transgender. Work didn't know that I was transgender either. But they both found out in mid August.
I came out at work on 8/14. I told a girl I worked with that night right before I got off my shift and asked her to tell her friends who worked there. Which meant the next day I knew that I had to tell everyone else, and I had to tell the manager, and it was time to finally fully present as a woman at work (instead of just on deliveries). So I thought "Alright, here we go"...
It all went surprisingly, extremely well! My manager had a very supportive response. Each person I told throughout the day was either very supportive or neutral supportive, but everyone was quite respectful. And it was so wonderful hearing my name, Jayni, and seeing Jayni written on all the work printouts (though it's still not changed in the system, as it's linked to my bank and that's not changed yet). I could wear makeup and a bra and customers would "ma'am" me. It actually went as well as I could've hoped for, and my mental health and self confidence have improved a lot because of it. :)
Speaking of coming out going well, I also of course came out to Mom, as it was inevitable living under her roof. And it went very well. The whole situation, in fact, was a blessing in disguise. With us being made to live together for a while due to circumstances, the time to tell her was then, while she still had a chance to get used to me and get to know me as a woman. Preferably the earlier the better.
And it happened, thanks to me leaving plenty of breadcrumbs for Mom to pick up on (mannerisms, painted nails, little bit of makeup, changing my voice here and there) and thanks to Kat, who fielded Mom's initial questions and confusion like a pro. Also Kat kinda had to admit to her that I was trans, back on 8/16, because she was asking all the right questions but also because she seemed genuinely curious and wanting to understand.
I was very worried about what Mom's reaction would be. Would she be angry? Would she judge me against the laws of her God? Would she be disgusted at me or think I'm a perv? Would she be shattered that her "little boy" wasn't a boy? Would she simply be unable or unwilling to grasp the change?
Well, it was none of that. She really surprised me. We didn't talk about it for two weeks, but I knew she knew and she knew that I knew she knew. We just didn't let each other know, because she wasn't ready. And I was understanding of that because it is a huge change and I knew there would be an adjustment period. But after a couple weeks of knowing I was trans and knowing we needed to have a really deep talk, she saw that it was affecting my mood pretty bad.
And so, she came over and gave me the biggest hug. And she told me it was ok. That she loved me and she wanted to understand. And so we talked about it for like 3 hours, she asked me a lot of good questions, she was positive and supportive and just wanted me to be happy. It was a truly amazing moment for me. I could feel her love for me and that she was ok with it. She wasn't upset, she just wanted to know why. And when I explained it to her, she asked me if I knew for sure that this was who I was and that it made me happy. And when I said it was, she accepted it. And she accepted me. ^^
And since then, our bond has only grown stronger by the day! My Mom is not only supportive, she's happy and excited for me! She loves my outfits and how I do my makeup. She loves my name that I chose. She loves how we can be emotionally closer and more open with each other. She even told me that when she was pregnant with me, she actually wanted me to be a girl. She always wanted girls from the beginning!... O__O!!!
And so she's excited for my transition. We've gone shopping together. She's showing me how to sew and cook some things (not because that's what women do or whatever, but because I never wanted to know before). I've talked to her about hormones and surgeries. We still wanna have a make-up night where we try out all this makeup I've got. ;3
Through it all, she's had the most positive and wonderful reaction I could've hoped for... which is all out love and support! I can tell by the way she looks at me and smiles when I come out in my pretty dresses, how tight and genuine her hugs are, and just how happy she is around me that she is fully bought in and just loves having another daughter. And I couldn't be happier for that. :')
We are definitely trying to squeeze in as much mother-daughter time as we can in the time we have, because at the start of December we are moving into our own place (which is really close to work, yay! ...but costs twice as much as our last place D:) As much as I've really enjoyed being able to stay with Mom and see her every day, I knew we had to get a place quickly so she could move forward with her own plans. It's pretty bittersweet, but I've enjoyed and cherished these new memories with Mom, my very first memories as her daughter! They've meant everything to me. I'm very lucky to have such a wonderful Mom who loves and supports me no matter what. ^w^
Coming out aside, my transition has been going pretty well overall I'd say. Some rough patches and dysphoria here and there, but that's to be expected. And I'm finally at 1 YEAR ON HRT! I've been waiting for this moment, when I can not only transition but finally start seeing real physical changes and really living my life as a woman! I have a long way to go, but I'm very proud of how far I've come, especially in the last 5 months. It's been happening really quickly and really slowly at the same time, if that makes any sense. I'm making big strides and progress, but changes are so slow too that I can't help but get frustrated and impatient at times. But it's happening, and it's very real. And I am so very here for it. ;3
A lot is still going on as far as transitioning goes. I'm in the middle of the legal name change process, getting laser hair removal on my face, fine-tuning my HRT regimen with my endocrinologist, and exploring gender-affirming surgery options. 2022 should be an eventful year for my transition if things go well (and I hope they do, if insurance cooperates). Just keeping my eye on the prize. ^^
I've loved seeing all this unfold, and I've been truly enjoying becoming my truest self. I had my doubts in the beginning, but as time goes on it just feels more and more right. I'm very happy I took the plunge, as every time I notice progress I get a rush of euphoria that lets me know this is who I am and this is definitely the right path for me. :)
So that's what's been going on lately! That was kinda like 5 journals in one, so major props if you read this far. Again, I'm sorry that new art has grinded to a halt, but I think once we're settled in our own place (and my internet is good enough to stream art again) I will get back into creating again. With the whirlwind of life stuff happening, furry had to take a back seat, but as this long-ass journal should prove, I'm still here, still kicking, and still very much a part of the fandom. And very soon I'll be ready to get back into the swing of things.
Thank you to everyone who read this far, and a very special thank you to everyone who continues to support me and anyone who still looks forward to seeing art and stuff from me. I promise there will be more to come. :)
Stay tuned, and stay awesome furry friends.
-Jayni
So it's been a little while since I've updated you all here on what's been going on in my life. Actually, I haven't really had the time or energy to update much of anything lately. For that I apologize, as it was my intention to upload more art, but there has been so much stuff going on around me and I've been so overwhelmed with everything that my promised "art avalanche" was more like a light dusting.
I do have plenty more art to upload here in the hopefully near future (as well as over on Patreon which is still up and running by the way, plug plug!) and also a few other projects in the works which I strongly hope to get off the ground eventually (more on those later in another journal).
For the last 5 1/2 months (or perhaps much longer) I haven't been able to focus on much of anything creative. Not only did I not have the energy and limited time due to work, but we got kicked out of our house we were renting for the last 8 years at the end of July (or rather our landlord didn't renew the lease). Apparently he was simply tired of us (and our cats) being there. But whatever, in a way it was time to move on and we simply needed the boot to the ass to do it.
Even though we had about a month of notice, the week leading up to the move date was rather stressful, mostly due to me putting off most of the packing until then.
katalina did her fair share of packing over the course of the whole month, but she was very much not at full strength due to physical recovery from a major surgery a few months prior. On top of that, I was determined to record a slew of fursuit videos that I had been planning to shoot for a long time and had been building up to for a few years but couldn't find the time. Turns out I had to make time, but by then it was too late.I have noticed that it is my custom to leave certain projects unfinished for large amounts of time, including fursuit videos which are location specific (namely, where I live at the time) and then when I have to move I desperately try in vain to cram as much project time into the last few weeks as I can, much like cramming for college finals. Procrastination isn't just a habit for me, it's a way of life. Sadly. :(
Anyways, the end result was I shot some videos but ran out of time to finish what I planned, I woefully underestimated the time it took to tear down my office full of wall-to-wall-to-ceiling posters, pictures, records, badges etc, pack everything I own, move it all including heavy furniture into a U-haul (which we had to extend 6 days due to it taking so damn long) and move everything into a storage unit that was far too small and cramped, plus trying as best I could to deep clean the house (which there really wasn't much I could do, it wasn't going to be clean enough) all of this basically by myself because again, Kat was not well.
It was hell. It was so much work and it took so long. I had two bad emotional breakdowns because there just wasn't enough time. Eventually I had to throw in the towel because it was taking too long and costing too much, and we took the last of our crap and our confused cats and left it how it was.
After the dust settled and the U-Haul was finally returned, me and Kat were settled in with Mom at her house. We were fortunate that Mom decided to let us stay after first saying it wouldn't be possible, because she was also looking to move soon. So we knew it would be a very temporary situation, but it's not like we could afford to just jump into a new apartment.
But staying with Mom had some early complications... mainly our cats weren't allowed to be in the house because Mom didn't want them damaging the property or giving the dogs fleas (which they did anyways since we had to keep them in the bathroom for a while until an enclosure could be made outside).
And also, Mom did not know I was transgender. Work didn't know that I was transgender either. But they both found out in mid August.
I came out at work on 8/14. I told a girl I worked with that night right before I got off my shift and asked her to tell her friends who worked there. Which meant the next day I knew that I had to tell everyone else, and I had to tell the manager, and it was time to finally fully present as a woman at work (instead of just on deliveries). So I thought "Alright, here we go"...
It all went surprisingly, extremely well! My manager had a very supportive response. Each person I told throughout the day was either very supportive or neutral supportive, but everyone was quite respectful. And it was so wonderful hearing my name, Jayni, and seeing Jayni written on all the work printouts (though it's still not changed in the system, as it's linked to my bank and that's not changed yet). I could wear makeup and a bra and customers would "ma'am" me. It actually went as well as I could've hoped for, and my mental health and self confidence have improved a lot because of it. :)
Speaking of coming out going well, I also of course came out to Mom, as it was inevitable living under her roof. And it went very well. The whole situation, in fact, was a blessing in disguise. With us being made to live together for a while due to circumstances, the time to tell her was then, while she still had a chance to get used to me and get to know me as a woman. Preferably the earlier the better.
And it happened, thanks to me leaving plenty of breadcrumbs for Mom to pick up on (mannerisms, painted nails, little bit of makeup, changing my voice here and there) and thanks to Kat, who fielded Mom's initial questions and confusion like a pro. Also Kat kinda had to admit to her that I was trans, back on 8/16, because she was asking all the right questions but also because she seemed genuinely curious and wanting to understand.
I was very worried about what Mom's reaction would be. Would she be angry? Would she judge me against the laws of her God? Would she be disgusted at me or think I'm a perv? Would she be shattered that her "little boy" wasn't a boy? Would she simply be unable or unwilling to grasp the change?
Well, it was none of that. She really surprised me. We didn't talk about it for two weeks, but I knew she knew and she knew that I knew she knew. We just didn't let each other know, because she wasn't ready. And I was understanding of that because it is a huge change and I knew there would be an adjustment period. But after a couple weeks of knowing I was trans and knowing we needed to have a really deep talk, she saw that it was affecting my mood pretty bad.
And so, she came over and gave me the biggest hug. And she told me it was ok. That she loved me and she wanted to understand. And so we talked about it for like 3 hours, she asked me a lot of good questions, she was positive and supportive and just wanted me to be happy. It was a truly amazing moment for me. I could feel her love for me and that she was ok with it. She wasn't upset, she just wanted to know why. And when I explained it to her, she asked me if I knew for sure that this was who I was and that it made me happy. And when I said it was, she accepted it. And she accepted me. ^^
And since then, our bond has only grown stronger by the day! My Mom is not only supportive, she's happy and excited for me! She loves my outfits and how I do my makeup. She loves my name that I chose. She loves how we can be emotionally closer and more open with each other. She even told me that when she was pregnant with me, she actually wanted me to be a girl. She always wanted girls from the beginning!... O__O!!!
And so she's excited for my transition. We've gone shopping together. She's showing me how to sew and cook some things (not because that's what women do or whatever, but because I never wanted to know before). I've talked to her about hormones and surgeries. We still wanna have a make-up night where we try out all this makeup I've got. ;3
Through it all, she's had the most positive and wonderful reaction I could've hoped for... which is all out love and support! I can tell by the way she looks at me and smiles when I come out in my pretty dresses, how tight and genuine her hugs are, and just how happy she is around me that she is fully bought in and just loves having another daughter. And I couldn't be happier for that. :')
We are definitely trying to squeeze in as much mother-daughter time as we can in the time we have, because at the start of December we are moving into our own place (which is really close to work, yay! ...but costs twice as much as our last place D:) As much as I've really enjoyed being able to stay with Mom and see her every day, I knew we had to get a place quickly so she could move forward with her own plans. It's pretty bittersweet, but I've enjoyed and cherished these new memories with Mom, my very first memories as her daughter! They've meant everything to me. I'm very lucky to have such a wonderful Mom who loves and supports me no matter what. ^w^
Coming out aside, my transition has been going pretty well overall I'd say. Some rough patches and dysphoria here and there, but that's to be expected. And I'm finally at 1 YEAR ON HRT! I've been waiting for this moment, when I can not only transition but finally start seeing real physical changes and really living my life as a woman! I have a long way to go, but I'm very proud of how far I've come, especially in the last 5 months. It's been happening really quickly and really slowly at the same time, if that makes any sense. I'm making big strides and progress, but changes are so slow too that I can't help but get frustrated and impatient at times. But it's happening, and it's very real. And I am so very here for it. ;3
A lot is still going on as far as transitioning goes. I'm in the middle of the legal name change process, getting laser hair removal on my face, fine-tuning my HRT regimen with my endocrinologist, and exploring gender-affirming surgery options. 2022 should be an eventful year for my transition if things go well (and I hope they do, if insurance cooperates). Just keeping my eye on the prize. ^^
I've loved seeing all this unfold, and I've been truly enjoying becoming my truest self. I had my doubts in the beginning, but as time goes on it just feels more and more right. I'm very happy I took the plunge, as every time I notice progress I get a rush of euphoria that lets me know this is who I am and this is definitely the right path for me. :)
So that's what's been going on lately! That was kinda like 5 journals in one, so major props if you read this far. Again, I'm sorry that new art has grinded to a halt, but I think once we're settled in our own place (and my internet is good enough to stream art again) I will get back into creating again. With the whirlwind of life stuff happening, furry had to take a back seat, but as this long-ass journal should prove, I'm still here, still kicking, and still very much a part of the fandom. And very soon I'll be ready to get back into the swing of things.
Thank you to everyone who read this far, and a very special thank you to everyone who continues to support me and anyone who still looks forward to seeing art and stuff from me. I promise there will be more to come. :)
Stay tuned, and stay awesome furry friends.
-Jayni
also don't forget to say hi sometimes online I know life is busy
I knew most of that already, but I'm glad it's starting to come together for you. ;) *hugs*