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My Thoughts on Ghostbusters Afterlife (SPOILERS)
4 years ago
General
Ghostbusters Afterlife was one of the most god awful piece of shit movies I have ever seen. It seemed like a monkey's paw wish that backfired TWICE because I just so wanted there to be a Ghostbusters 3 and I know I'm not the only one. Ordinarily, I'd just go through the entire film like I did with Avengers Endgame and type a wall of text that nobody is going to read, but I think I'd rather give myself a lobotomy then do that. So instead, I'm just going to go over some cliff notes here on why this "film" was so terrible.
Before I begin, I just wanna start with the previews. Thanks to Covid, I really haven't been going to the movies much at all. I saw one other film in the theaters this year and as a result I guess I just lost touch with the way movies work now. Pre-covid, I specifically remember the etiquette to the movies was if you show up early, they give you "first look" previews as well as random ads before the official trailers start. But once the "official" trailers started... We basically just got a bunch of fucking ads. There was one for Facebook like, "Don't worry guys! We know Facebook has gotten terrible. So instead of doing anything about it, we're just changing the name to 'Meta.' That'll take care of everything. You're welcome." Then we got a fucking ad that made me laugh out loud where Matt Damon walks in and is all like, "Don't you want to be one of the greats like the Write Brothers!? Don't you wanna be a Pioneer like Neil Armstrong landing on the moon!? Buy Crypto currency!" It's just weird to me that now they cram even more ads into our fucking face holes. Or maybe it's just because we don't have many movie trailers anymore? I don't know.... Anyway, onto the damn movie. Here goes:
-So our new Ghostbusters this time is Trevor (Finn Wolfhard/Egon's Grandson), Phoebe (Egon's granddaughter), Lucky (The black one. I mean c'mon... ya gotta have at least one black Ghostbuster), and the worst one of all; Podcast. Can you guess why they call him Podcast?... It's because he has a Podcast. The movie explicitly tells us this in case we were stupid.
-Paul Rudd was in this movie playing his best role. Paul Rudd. There has never been a movie with Paul Rudd in it where I'm like, yep. I totally believe the character that Paul Rudd is playing... because he's just Paul Rudd. Always seemed like someone's dad to me. The type of person where you go, yeah that guys alright, but I will never hang out with him. Not even once.
-It's weird to me that they even bothered to get Finn Wolfhard for this movie because he has almost nothing to do. He likes Lucky, so he gets a job at the same restaurant that she works at. Also, his family just got kicked out of their house, so you'd think that he wanted the job because of that. But no, he was just trying to get his dick wet. Also he finds the Ecto 1 in the barn and fixes it. That was basically his entire contribution to the film.
-Speaking of wasted celebrities... J.K. Simmons is also in this movie for about 10 seconds before Gozer rips him in half.
-Ota, did you just say Gozer is in this movie. That's right! They seriously just did Gozer again! I was really excited this time around to see what the new threat was going to be for this movie. New ghosts, new villains, fuckin' NOPE! This entire movie is just a nostalgia bait bukkake! We brought back Gozer! We brought back Zuul! We brought back Vinz Clortho! Isn't that cool! These are all things you remember from the first movie you loved so much! Remember!?
-Phoebe, despite being the granddaughter of Egon Spengler, doesn't believe in ghosts and also didn't know about the events that took place in New York back in the 80s. I'm sorry but NO. Let's just think about this for a fucking second. Think back to how devastating 9/11 was. It was on every tv channel, radio station, pretty much anything you can think of at the time. It became an unofficial holiday or at the very least a day of remembrance, one forever cemented in history textbooks as a day to never forget. Now imagine that instead of 9/11... we had a giant Stay Puft marshmallow man and a Hell portal destroying half of New York. Not only did we prove the existence of Gods and the afterlife, but we would have 100% documented that shit and taught to every child in school. This isn't Men in Black. There is NO way this would NOT be common knowledge. As a matter of fact, Paul Rudd is the one who explains it to her and then shows her A FUCKING YOUTUBE VIDEO of the original 4 Ghostbusters after they were covered in marshmallow goo! HOW THE FUCK IS THIS A YOUTUBE VIDEO!?!
-Paul Rudd only brings it up too because Phoebe finds a ghost trap in the house that Egon left her family and Paul's first idea is to open the fucking thing. On top of his own car too! So they open the ghost trap which destroys his cars windshield which then starts the slow process of more ghosts showing up. Smooth move, Paul! You're supposed to be a fucking Seismologist in this fucking movie or some shit, right!?
-As everyone should know by now, Egon's actor, Harold Ramis, passed away in 2014. So to get around this, they just didn't show this new actors face and he dies in the opening scene of the movie... but I'm still confused as to what killed him. He traps either Zuul or Vinz Clortho in his trap which is basically just half of Gozer... but, they haven't revived Gozer yet, so he just gets his shit handed to him by an invisible force straight up Evil Dead style. If anyone reading this watched the movie, can you please tell me what killed Egon? I don't get it.
-All of the "jokes" in this movie is dependent on Phoebe telling dad jokes, and Podcast saying obnoxious podcast things. I really hated Podcast and wished he was the one who became a ghost by the end.
-There hasn't been a ghost sighting in over 30 years, There's even this temple they find in a mine that predicts all of these different years where bad things happened which pretty much just writes out Ghostbusters 2. I mean Ghostbusters 2 sucked... but that didn't mean you had make it non-canon. So basically instead of Ghostbusters 3... this is actually just a reboot of Ghostbusters 2 where they're doing Ghostbusters 1 again. How the fuck does Hollywood keep getting away with is?
-The new Ghostbusters get their first taste of busting after finding the only new ghost in the entire movie called "Muncher" who is just Slimer who eats metal instead of actual food. After they joyride the Ecto 1 and destroy half the town, the kids get put in jail. At which point, Phoebe asks the Sherriff for her one phone call. To which the Sherriff says, "Oh sure... WHO YA GONNA CALL?" As he winks at the fucking camera and everyone in the theater, including myself, groaned. Instead of calling her mother which would have made sense, she instead calls Ray Stantz. Phoebe tells Ray that Egon is dead to which Ray explains that Egon basically went crazy and became obsessed with the next revival of Gozer. Let us not forget that Egon was the SMART one of the group... but for whatever reason, nobody took him seriously as if he were a child in a 90s movie. This caused Egon to steal all of their ghost gear including the Ecto 1 and clean them out. Seems pretty fucking out of character for Egon... but okay, Ray. I guess Egon just became a massive dick in his later years. People can change I guess.
-The revival of Gozer happens the exact same way it happened in the first. Zuul posses a woman, this time it's the kids mom. Vinz Clortho posses a man, this time it's Paul Rudd, they fuck, turn back into demon dogs, open the portal, out walks Gozer. Great. But remember! In the first movie, Gozer got away and sent the Destructor! THIS time we're taking down Gozer for good! After the revival, Phoebe tells Gozer a bunch of dad jokes and they trap Zuul in a ghost trap, which takes away half of Gozer's power. Gozer follows them back to Egon's farm where they figure out he turned the entire place into a massive ghost trap. But oh no! The Ghost trap doesn't work and Gozer releases Zuul causing it to possess Lucky. Gozer's at full power again. Gozer's just about to kill Phoebe and her mom when surprise surprise, the original 3 still alive Ghostbusters show up and they look SO fucking sad and pathetic.... They're old and they look like they just woke and walked in for the Make-a-Wish foundation to visit cancer patient Timmy who just really wanted to meet the Ghostbusters.... But wait a minute... I thought you said Egon jacked all your shit, Ray! They show up in uniform and they all have Proton Packs. Are you telling me that they built new ones? No fuckin' way in Hell. Ray you fucking LIAR!!
-So naturally, the old Ghostbusters save the day, right? Well no, because then what the hell is the point in the new ones. They ask Gozer if he/she remembers them and Gozer's response is, you guessed it! "Are you a God!?" To which Venkman and Winston are like, "Oh C'mon Ray.... Yes, we're all Gods!" She/he then wipes the floor with them, so thanks alot for showing up guys you did your best! I mean, you're all in your 70s at this point, right?
-Trevor gets his ONE moment of doing something by firing his proton pack at the electrical grid to jumpstart the giant ghost trap house. At which point every character with a proton pack fires their beams at Gozer and then it fucking happens... the most embarrassing fucking thing I have ever witnessed... the ghost of CGI Harold Ramis guides Phoebe's hand to help her kill Gozer. And now we have all 4 original Ghostbusters back!
-After killing Gozer, ghost Egon then says his final goodbyes to his partners his Grandchildren, and most importantly, his estranged daughter hugging her before fading away into ghost particles. Ho-ly shit.... I know Hollywood was low. I never imagined that they could sink THAT fucking low into the negatives. Then text comes up on the screen before the crdits even roll that says, "For Harold" so in the context of the movie, that was weird. Also fuck you.
-Immediately after the Harold Ramis CGI ghost scene, I then turned to my buddy Jim and said, "Okay now play the original theme" as like a joke. As like a well they've sunk this low, may as well end on an even funnier note. And then 2 seconds after I said that they played the Ghostbusters theme.... I WAS FUCKING JOKING!!! And then we see the Ecto 1 driving back to New York.
What a fucking shit show! If there's something strange in the neighborhood... just let it fucking DIE....
Before I begin, I just wanna start with the previews. Thanks to Covid, I really haven't been going to the movies much at all. I saw one other film in the theaters this year and as a result I guess I just lost touch with the way movies work now. Pre-covid, I specifically remember the etiquette to the movies was if you show up early, they give you "first look" previews as well as random ads before the official trailers start. But once the "official" trailers started... We basically just got a bunch of fucking ads. There was one for Facebook like, "Don't worry guys! We know Facebook has gotten terrible. So instead of doing anything about it, we're just changing the name to 'Meta.' That'll take care of everything. You're welcome." Then we got a fucking ad that made me laugh out loud where Matt Damon walks in and is all like, "Don't you want to be one of the greats like the Write Brothers!? Don't you wanna be a Pioneer like Neil Armstrong landing on the moon!? Buy Crypto currency!" It's just weird to me that now they cram even more ads into our fucking face holes. Or maybe it's just because we don't have many movie trailers anymore? I don't know.... Anyway, onto the damn movie. Here goes:
-So our new Ghostbusters this time is Trevor (Finn Wolfhard/Egon's Grandson), Phoebe (Egon's granddaughter), Lucky (The black one. I mean c'mon... ya gotta have at least one black Ghostbuster), and the worst one of all; Podcast. Can you guess why they call him Podcast?... It's because he has a Podcast. The movie explicitly tells us this in case we were stupid.
-Paul Rudd was in this movie playing his best role. Paul Rudd. There has never been a movie with Paul Rudd in it where I'm like, yep. I totally believe the character that Paul Rudd is playing... because he's just Paul Rudd. Always seemed like someone's dad to me. The type of person where you go, yeah that guys alright, but I will never hang out with him. Not even once.
-It's weird to me that they even bothered to get Finn Wolfhard for this movie because he has almost nothing to do. He likes Lucky, so he gets a job at the same restaurant that she works at. Also, his family just got kicked out of their house, so you'd think that he wanted the job because of that. But no, he was just trying to get his dick wet. Also he finds the Ecto 1 in the barn and fixes it. That was basically his entire contribution to the film.
-Speaking of wasted celebrities... J.K. Simmons is also in this movie for about 10 seconds before Gozer rips him in half.
-Ota, did you just say Gozer is in this movie. That's right! They seriously just did Gozer again! I was really excited this time around to see what the new threat was going to be for this movie. New ghosts, new villains, fuckin' NOPE! This entire movie is just a nostalgia bait bukkake! We brought back Gozer! We brought back Zuul! We brought back Vinz Clortho! Isn't that cool! These are all things you remember from the first movie you loved so much! Remember!?
-Phoebe, despite being the granddaughter of Egon Spengler, doesn't believe in ghosts and also didn't know about the events that took place in New York back in the 80s. I'm sorry but NO. Let's just think about this for a fucking second. Think back to how devastating 9/11 was. It was on every tv channel, radio station, pretty much anything you can think of at the time. It became an unofficial holiday or at the very least a day of remembrance, one forever cemented in history textbooks as a day to never forget. Now imagine that instead of 9/11... we had a giant Stay Puft marshmallow man and a Hell portal destroying half of New York. Not only did we prove the existence of Gods and the afterlife, but we would have 100% documented that shit and taught to every child in school. This isn't Men in Black. There is NO way this would NOT be common knowledge. As a matter of fact, Paul Rudd is the one who explains it to her and then shows her A FUCKING YOUTUBE VIDEO of the original 4 Ghostbusters after they were covered in marshmallow goo! HOW THE FUCK IS THIS A YOUTUBE VIDEO!?!
-Paul Rudd only brings it up too because Phoebe finds a ghost trap in the house that Egon left her family and Paul's first idea is to open the fucking thing. On top of his own car too! So they open the ghost trap which destroys his cars windshield which then starts the slow process of more ghosts showing up. Smooth move, Paul! You're supposed to be a fucking Seismologist in this fucking movie or some shit, right!?
-As everyone should know by now, Egon's actor, Harold Ramis, passed away in 2014. So to get around this, they just didn't show this new actors face and he dies in the opening scene of the movie... but I'm still confused as to what killed him. He traps either Zuul or Vinz Clortho in his trap which is basically just half of Gozer... but, they haven't revived Gozer yet, so he just gets his shit handed to him by an invisible force straight up Evil Dead style. If anyone reading this watched the movie, can you please tell me what killed Egon? I don't get it.
-All of the "jokes" in this movie is dependent on Phoebe telling dad jokes, and Podcast saying obnoxious podcast things. I really hated Podcast and wished he was the one who became a ghost by the end.
-There hasn't been a ghost sighting in over 30 years, There's even this temple they find in a mine that predicts all of these different years where bad things happened which pretty much just writes out Ghostbusters 2. I mean Ghostbusters 2 sucked... but that didn't mean you had make it non-canon. So basically instead of Ghostbusters 3... this is actually just a reboot of Ghostbusters 2 where they're doing Ghostbusters 1 again. How the fuck does Hollywood keep getting away with is?
-The new Ghostbusters get their first taste of busting after finding the only new ghost in the entire movie called "Muncher" who is just Slimer who eats metal instead of actual food. After they joyride the Ecto 1 and destroy half the town, the kids get put in jail. At which point, Phoebe asks the Sherriff for her one phone call. To which the Sherriff says, "Oh sure... WHO YA GONNA CALL?" As he winks at the fucking camera and everyone in the theater, including myself, groaned. Instead of calling her mother which would have made sense, she instead calls Ray Stantz. Phoebe tells Ray that Egon is dead to which Ray explains that Egon basically went crazy and became obsessed with the next revival of Gozer. Let us not forget that Egon was the SMART one of the group... but for whatever reason, nobody took him seriously as if he were a child in a 90s movie. This caused Egon to steal all of their ghost gear including the Ecto 1 and clean them out. Seems pretty fucking out of character for Egon... but okay, Ray. I guess Egon just became a massive dick in his later years. People can change I guess.
-The revival of Gozer happens the exact same way it happened in the first. Zuul posses a woman, this time it's the kids mom. Vinz Clortho posses a man, this time it's Paul Rudd, they fuck, turn back into demon dogs, open the portal, out walks Gozer. Great. But remember! In the first movie, Gozer got away and sent the Destructor! THIS time we're taking down Gozer for good! After the revival, Phoebe tells Gozer a bunch of dad jokes and they trap Zuul in a ghost trap, which takes away half of Gozer's power. Gozer follows them back to Egon's farm where they figure out he turned the entire place into a massive ghost trap. But oh no! The Ghost trap doesn't work and Gozer releases Zuul causing it to possess Lucky. Gozer's at full power again. Gozer's just about to kill Phoebe and her mom when surprise surprise, the original 3 still alive Ghostbusters show up and they look SO fucking sad and pathetic.... They're old and they look like they just woke and walked in for the Make-a-Wish foundation to visit cancer patient Timmy who just really wanted to meet the Ghostbusters.... But wait a minute... I thought you said Egon jacked all your shit, Ray! They show up in uniform and they all have Proton Packs. Are you telling me that they built new ones? No fuckin' way in Hell. Ray you fucking LIAR!!
-So naturally, the old Ghostbusters save the day, right? Well no, because then what the hell is the point in the new ones. They ask Gozer if he/she remembers them and Gozer's response is, you guessed it! "Are you a God!?" To which Venkman and Winston are like, "Oh C'mon Ray.... Yes, we're all Gods!" She/he then wipes the floor with them, so thanks alot for showing up guys you did your best! I mean, you're all in your 70s at this point, right?
-Trevor gets his ONE moment of doing something by firing his proton pack at the electrical grid to jumpstart the giant ghost trap house. At which point every character with a proton pack fires their beams at Gozer and then it fucking happens... the most embarrassing fucking thing I have ever witnessed... the ghost of CGI Harold Ramis guides Phoebe's hand to help her kill Gozer. And now we have all 4 original Ghostbusters back!
-After killing Gozer, ghost Egon then says his final goodbyes to his partners his Grandchildren, and most importantly, his estranged daughter hugging her before fading away into ghost particles. Ho-ly shit.... I know Hollywood was low. I never imagined that they could sink THAT fucking low into the negatives. Then text comes up on the screen before the crdits even roll that says, "For Harold" so in the context of the movie, that was weird. Also fuck you.
-Immediately after the Harold Ramis CGI ghost scene, I then turned to my buddy Jim and said, "Okay now play the original theme" as like a joke. As like a well they've sunk this low, may as well end on an even funnier note. And then 2 seconds after I said that they played the Ghostbusters theme.... I WAS FUCKING JOKING!!! And then we see the Ecto 1 driving back to New York.
What a fucking shit show! If there's something strange in the neighborhood... just let it fucking DIE....
