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Life Update living in 2025
7 months ago
General
So as I briefly stated in a previous journal, 2025 has not been particularly good for me, as I'm sure it hasn't been for many others. As of March right before my birthday, my depression had become so severe that I had a nervous breakdown that resulted in ugly crying in the hallway. The kind of crying that if my dad were to see me doing this he would have probably started kicking me while I was on the ground screaming that men don't cry and that I'm a pussy who needs to suck it up and start acting like a man. So good thing he wasn't there. Since then, I've been on an even deeper downward spiral that basically just had me on autopilot to make sure I wasn't about to lose my job. Crying became almost a daily nuisance as I would just lie to anyone who would ask me what's wrong and tell them that it's just bad allergies. My brain was also hardwired to think that nobody cares because anytime I would open up to someone, their response would be, "That sucks." or "You should go to therapy."
It wasn't until the middle of last month that my roommate saw me in the kitchen on the verge of tears yet again when he asked me what's wrong. I tried lying and said I was fine to which he told me, "Don't give me that bullshit." My poker face has always been dog shit which is why I don't gamble. So I let it all out. I haven't been doing well. I have no hope for the future. I don't see things getting better. The US is a fucking clown show right now. Shit's just gonna keep skyrocketing in price. I can go on. To which I received the broken record response of, "You should give therapy another try." But not because he doesn't care, but because he genuinely doesn't know how to help make things better. He even helped me get a hold of someone so that I didn't have to do it by myself.
So now I'm taking literally every other persons advice and going back to therapy. I've been down this road before though and it didn't help at all. But I can see where people are coming from at the very least. If you go to a bad restaurant, you just make sure to never go back to that same restaurant. You don't stop eating out all together. I've been seeing a new therapist who's very nice now for almost a month. I was diagnosed with "Anhedonia" which I've never heard of before. Anhedonia is the inability to experience pleasure or interest in activities that were once enjoyable, and it's a core symptom of conditions like depression and schizophrenia. This makes sense because there's very little that gives me joy these days. Food was one of the last things I had, but ever since my hospital visit, eating has even become a chore as I can only eat very small portions of food now. From a weight loss perspective that sounds great, but as a result my body is also not getting the nutrition it requires. So lack of interest, lack of sleep, and now lack of eating. It's been rough.
I also saw a psychiatrist at the beginning of the month and she prescribed me "Lexapro" for depression and "Hydroxyzine" to help me sleep. I've only been taking them for almost 2 weeks now and I don't feel much different. But that's the thing with medication, TV and movies have tricked us into thinking it's instantaneous when in reality, it can take months to notice any difference. I'm sticking with it though because I desperately want to feel better. I'm so tired of feeling like shit all the time. The sessions have been going well or at the very least, not bad. I've also been trying to better myself in keeping a journal and writing down whenever I have negative thoughts or nightmares and then reflect on those feelings after I've calmed down. A little writing exercise that my therapist told me to do that in a weird way has been helping a bit. I'm also forcing myself to go to the gym at least once a week. I always feel a lot better after going, it's just getting there that's the hard part.
I'll post a follow up if things get better or worse. Also know that no matter whatever bullshit is going on in politics or social media or what the fuck ever... just be a good person however you can. Live in the now, take a breather, and go for a walk every now and then.
It wasn't until the middle of last month that my roommate saw me in the kitchen on the verge of tears yet again when he asked me what's wrong. I tried lying and said I was fine to which he told me, "Don't give me that bullshit." My poker face has always been dog shit which is why I don't gamble. So I let it all out. I haven't been doing well. I have no hope for the future. I don't see things getting better. The US is a fucking clown show right now. Shit's just gonna keep skyrocketing in price. I can go on. To which I received the broken record response of, "You should give therapy another try." But not because he doesn't care, but because he genuinely doesn't know how to help make things better. He even helped me get a hold of someone so that I didn't have to do it by myself.
So now I'm taking literally every other persons advice and going back to therapy. I've been down this road before though and it didn't help at all. But I can see where people are coming from at the very least. If you go to a bad restaurant, you just make sure to never go back to that same restaurant. You don't stop eating out all together. I've been seeing a new therapist who's very nice now for almost a month. I was diagnosed with "Anhedonia" which I've never heard of before. Anhedonia is the inability to experience pleasure or interest in activities that were once enjoyable, and it's a core symptom of conditions like depression and schizophrenia. This makes sense because there's very little that gives me joy these days. Food was one of the last things I had, but ever since my hospital visit, eating has even become a chore as I can only eat very small portions of food now. From a weight loss perspective that sounds great, but as a result my body is also not getting the nutrition it requires. So lack of interest, lack of sleep, and now lack of eating. It's been rough.
I also saw a psychiatrist at the beginning of the month and she prescribed me "Lexapro" for depression and "Hydroxyzine" to help me sleep. I've only been taking them for almost 2 weeks now and I don't feel much different. But that's the thing with medication, TV and movies have tricked us into thinking it's instantaneous when in reality, it can take months to notice any difference. I'm sticking with it though because I desperately want to feel better. I'm so tired of feeling like shit all the time. The sessions have been going well or at the very least, not bad. I've also been trying to better myself in keeping a journal and writing down whenever I have negative thoughts or nightmares and then reflect on those feelings after I've calmed down. A little writing exercise that my therapist told me to do that in a weird way has been helping a bit. I'm also forcing myself to go to the gym at least once a week. I always feel a lot better after going, it's just getting there that's the hard part.
I'll post a follow up if things get better or worse. Also know that no matter whatever bullshit is going on in politics or social media or what the fuck ever... just be a good person however you can. Live in the now, take a breather, and go for a walk every now and then.
Therapy is recommended for good reason. It can work. Same with prescriptions. I had depression a long time ago and had to take a prescription for it. Took about 1-2 years for me to go through it all and stop, but my depression never came back. I had mood swings and all kinds of stuff, but it worked out and I have been great for over a decade. Definitely keep at it and see if it helps!