One of the most annoying flaws I have is that my brain operates on money purchases to make me feel happy. Now that might sound a bit strange but it pretty much works like this. I think off a thing that I want, I look it up online and if its something I have the monetary means to buy I'll buy it, then once I have actually purchased it I get super happy and excited for a couple of hours and then my brain just goes "What the hell is wrong with you" and I feel immense guilt for purchasing said item. It's rather annoying because the happiness I get from it fades really quickly, and in the longer schemes of things it means that I am really bad at saving money to buy things I actually want. For example I will most likely never be able to buy a fursuit. It would be completely possible if I saved a bit of my earnings every month for like a year-ish. But I am actually incapable of saving money, I have no monetary control because I make dumb purchases because I want to feel happy even if its just for a few minutes or hours. Now this used to be a lot worse when I was super depressed but I feel like it's not really a lot better at the moment and to clarify I don't feel really depressed at the moment, the problem is that I don't feel happy either. I just experience a constant emotional state of neutrality, like if you were to ask me how my day was or how I'm doing I will respond with "I'm doing well, like always" but that isn't really true, I'm not depressed but neither am I happy, I just sorta exist. And when I make purchases of things I actually FEEL something other than just monotone meh-ishness.

I have thought about letting someone else have control of my finances so that I can actually manage to save some money and not just always have like 20SEK (2$) for about a week before I get my salary every month. But at the same time my brain operates on the logic that I would rather die than give someone else control over my money. I think its a pride thing where I just wanna know that I am in control of my own money and I don't have to ask someone else to use MY own money.


It's complicated and annoying.