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These Are My Confessions (I Admit)
3 years ago
Alright, so I've been keeping myself quiet since I've been put in hot water because of the journal last month. So before I explain my side of the story, I refuse to mention any names for the sake of their identities. So yes, my former friend was right to write this journal about me. I did indeed stalk her, and I'm not one to make any excuses, but if it's part of my side of the story, I'll have to explain it. Earlier last month, my friend blocked me over on Discord, not just so, but on DeviantArt and FurAffinity, all because of a dispute with her over her commission prices. I was left with one choice to either leave her alone for good or follow her to another place and apologize to her. I chose that latter option and attempted to apologize to her on Tumblr. Then a couple weeks later on Thanksgiving weekend, I paid her the commission money on PayPal just so my commission would still go as planned. However, she refunded me the money as she told me she refused to do my commission. My response? I was unfazed by it, so I just dealt with it and moved on. But then later that day, I found out the journal that she made about me. So inside, I was angry enough inside to block her block her back on FurAffinity, DeviantArt, Tumblr, YouTube, VK, and Twitter. Not only that, I have also blocked her close friends before I would live in silence and darkness for a long time.
When another one of my former friends confronted me over on Discord, I immediately blocked him there as well right before he shared that very same journal on FA. Before then, I blocked his close friends as well as a trigger reaction to being blocked by them. I was even kicked out of my former friend's Discord Server as well. Shortly thereafter, he disabled his FA account for half of a week, which made me guilty for blocking that poor guy. I have only decided to have him blocked for one month, but after I make this journal, I will unblock him, but will not follow him back again because how afraid he must be of me.
But back to this whole subject, this wouldn't be the first time I stalked someone after they blocked me. I know I have a bad habit of being a sore sport when it comes to being blocked, but I don't think that excuses my actions over the past year. The first guy who commented on my former friend's journal had blocked me twice earlier two years ago. So I was on this long pursuit to get back on his good graces without realizing what I was really doing. I circumvented his blocks and stalked him on sites such as Reddit, Pillowfort, Baraag. He has already told me to leave me alone, but I failed to listen to him, and when his friends caught on to my actions towards him and confronted me about it, I behaved irrationally, erratically, and insanely in an unstable manner and stalked them too. That was to a point where his friend had left social media and hadn't come back ever since. That was when I had finally realized what I was doing and saw the light that showed me the error of my ways. I realized it yet again sometime after the journal was made. So I blocked that very same guy that I have stalked for months along with blocking his friends that I have stalked as well. That was for their own sake that I would never bother them again.
However, I did find out that aside from me, there was another stalker who harassed my previous victim over the years. This stalker would harass a little girl over the web to the point where she had to leave the web, a certain fandom, and social media altogether to get therapy. Then he had stalked my victim repeatedly. He even used sock puppets to continue his stalking ways to my victim. But due to the other transgressions he has made more than me, in comparison, this guy is worse than I was, because he is a sexual predator, much like Kelly and Cosby. And I have already realized even to this day that I do not want to be on the same level as he is, nor do I ever want to be as worse than he is.
My behavior over the past year was reminiscent of how I was when I first started on DeviantArt over a decade ago. I was a teenager back then, and I asked someone to draw a request for me. But I had little patience, and kept bugging her about it. What was even worse is that I referred to that artist as her character. So after she and her friend blocked me, I blocked them both back. However, it took me close to a decade to apologize to her on Twitter, so that's what made her unblock me so I could watch her again.
But seriously, I have to apologize for my actions toward the people I have creeped out in the past. I mean it, I'm truly and honestly sorry for all of the things I have regretted to this day. That's right, to everyone I harassed and stalked over the last year, once again, I'm really sorry. You were right and I was wrong. You were the victims and I was the perpetrator. But sadly, I didn't want to be the perpetrator, but I became one anyway. You all have every right to be scared of me. I didn't want everyone to be scared of me, but it just happened anyway. All I have tried to do is start things over fresh with the people who cut ties with me, but what has it gotten me? Nothing in return. I've lost several friends, but more importantly, I have lost myself. I have forgotten who I once was. And some people were right about me. Maybe I do need help. The serious and professional kind of help. I don't know how, when or where I'm going to get it, but the thing of it is, is that I'm only a man. A mere human being. Not a monster. Not the monster I was last month. Not the monster I was over the last year. Just human. The monster I was back then was who I looked in the mirror, and I regretted being that monster. But now, when I look in the mirror, it's the same old me. Just a normal man. A regular human being.
I know it may be too soon, and I know I have already apologized, but right now, I'm not asking for any forgiveness. I'm not asking for any second chances. I'm only asking for a chance to move on. Move on from the people that I have hurt around me. Move on so that their scars I left on them would heal without me being around. This is more than a promise. This is a resolution. A resolution to become more of a better person than I usually am right now. This is because one of my current friends had seen the goodness inside of me. He knows that somewhere deep down in his heart that he knows I'm a good person, and deep inside my heart lies a spark of holy flame that can ignite and purify my soul. As the better man I will be in the next year, I'm willing to atone for my past mistakes and change my ways for the better. And I thank my current friend for still believing in me. I have already repented for my past mistakes, but now I'm willing to atone for them all. That's right. I'm now starting my quest to redeem myself in the new year.
I'll still be around, but I will take some time to change my way for the better of my future. That's all I've got to say to get out of my chest. And I'll let the healing process start for everyone I have harmed in the past, while I go on for my quest for redemption. So thank you everyone.
When another one of my former friends confronted me over on Discord, I immediately blocked him there as well right before he shared that very same journal on FA. Before then, I blocked his close friends as well as a trigger reaction to being blocked by them. I was even kicked out of my former friend's Discord Server as well. Shortly thereafter, he disabled his FA account for half of a week, which made me guilty for blocking that poor guy. I have only decided to have him blocked for one month, but after I make this journal, I will unblock him, but will not follow him back again because how afraid he must be of me.
But back to this whole subject, this wouldn't be the first time I stalked someone after they blocked me. I know I have a bad habit of being a sore sport when it comes to being blocked, but I don't think that excuses my actions over the past year. The first guy who commented on my former friend's journal had blocked me twice earlier two years ago. So I was on this long pursuit to get back on his good graces without realizing what I was really doing. I circumvented his blocks and stalked him on sites such as Reddit, Pillowfort, Baraag. He has already told me to leave me alone, but I failed to listen to him, and when his friends caught on to my actions towards him and confronted me about it, I behaved irrationally, erratically, and insanely in an unstable manner and stalked them too. That was to a point where his friend had left social media and hadn't come back ever since. That was when I had finally realized what I was doing and saw the light that showed me the error of my ways. I realized it yet again sometime after the journal was made. So I blocked that very same guy that I have stalked for months along with blocking his friends that I have stalked as well. That was for their own sake that I would never bother them again.
However, I did find out that aside from me, there was another stalker who harassed my previous victim over the years. This stalker would harass a little girl over the web to the point where she had to leave the web, a certain fandom, and social media altogether to get therapy. Then he had stalked my victim repeatedly. He even used sock puppets to continue his stalking ways to my victim. But due to the other transgressions he has made more than me, in comparison, this guy is worse than I was, because he is a sexual predator, much like Kelly and Cosby. And I have already realized even to this day that I do not want to be on the same level as he is, nor do I ever want to be as worse than he is.
My behavior over the past year was reminiscent of how I was when I first started on DeviantArt over a decade ago. I was a teenager back then, and I asked someone to draw a request for me. But I had little patience, and kept bugging her about it. What was even worse is that I referred to that artist as her character. So after she and her friend blocked me, I blocked them both back. However, it took me close to a decade to apologize to her on Twitter, so that's what made her unblock me so I could watch her again.
But seriously, I have to apologize for my actions toward the people I have creeped out in the past. I mean it, I'm truly and honestly sorry for all of the things I have regretted to this day. That's right, to everyone I harassed and stalked over the last year, once again, I'm really sorry. You were right and I was wrong. You were the victims and I was the perpetrator. But sadly, I didn't want to be the perpetrator, but I became one anyway. You all have every right to be scared of me. I didn't want everyone to be scared of me, but it just happened anyway. All I have tried to do is start things over fresh with the people who cut ties with me, but what has it gotten me? Nothing in return. I've lost several friends, but more importantly, I have lost myself. I have forgotten who I once was. And some people were right about me. Maybe I do need help. The serious and professional kind of help. I don't know how, when or where I'm going to get it, but the thing of it is, is that I'm only a man. A mere human being. Not a monster. Not the monster I was last month. Not the monster I was over the last year. Just human. The monster I was back then was who I looked in the mirror, and I regretted being that monster. But now, when I look in the mirror, it's the same old me. Just a normal man. A regular human being.
I know it may be too soon, and I know I have already apologized, but right now, I'm not asking for any forgiveness. I'm not asking for any second chances. I'm only asking for a chance to move on. Move on from the people that I have hurt around me. Move on so that their scars I left on them would heal without me being around. This is more than a promise. This is a resolution. A resolution to become more of a better person than I usually am right now. This is because one of my current friends had seen the goodness inside of me. He knows that somewhere deep down in his heart that he knows I'm a good person, and deep inside my heart lies a spark of holy flame that can ignite and purify my soul. As the better man I will be in the next year, I'm willing to atone for my past mistakes and change my ways for the better. And I thank my current friend for still believing in me. I have already repented for my past mistakes, but now I'm willing to atone for them all. That's right. I'm now starting my quest to redeem myself in the new year.
I'll still be around, but I will take some time to change my way for the better of my future. That's all I've got to say to get out of my chest. And I'll let the healing process start for everyone I have harmed in the past, while I go on for my quest for redemption. So thank you everyone.
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