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Onwards to 2022! ♥
4 years ago
General
.:~ ♥ ~:.Heya everyone ♥
Sorry it's been so long since I checked in. Just wanted to let you all know how things have been for me this past crazy year.
Long story short, it's been....A heavy mix of a constant, frustrating struggle against my own bad habits, dealing with major, positive shifts in my sexuality and spirituality, finally moving forward with my transition in my own strange way (and finding the courage to do so, which took many months), and pushing myself to start a big project, the likes of which I have barely anything to show for just yet.
So yeah. I haven't been posting since I've been focusing so much on myself and growing as a person. Same song and dance as the last few years, but geez, being an adult is so dang hard.
And yet, through it all, I've still been drawing. ♥ Even with usually a whole week if not two between drawing sessions, I haven't given up on trying to be the best artist I can be.
...I kinda don't even know where to start with telling you all about it.
For the past two or so years, I've been constantly shifting my style towards one more geared for making comics. The changes that has brought has also been to make the process faster and more fun for myself. I'm more in love with my style now than ever! ♥
I seemed to have gotten into a habit of writing massive, lengthy descriptions for each large piece I post...I honestly do that because...Since I find it so hard to let go and give myself time to relax, my time to draw and my output is so frugal that I spend ages thinking about my art instead of drawing it. I'm so proud of the creative writing I've done this year and the last for my pieces, but....I would rather spend that time drawing more.
I'm a Type A personality with a "get chores and work done before you can relax" mentality. And guess what? When you live on your own and have a house and friends and full time job to take care of, it's incredibly easy to get caught in a seemingly endless loop of chores and taking care of others that sucks up 100% of your time, every day. Imagine waking up every day excited to draw, spending the entire day working as hard as you can just to get a chance to work hard at it, only to be so exhausted at the end of the day and with so little workable time that you take a few deep breaths and...oh...would you look at that....That time I put aside for myself? Gone, slipped away like sand between my fingers.
It's been like this, every single day of my life, for the past five years.
The answer is to let go and put life on hold so I can enjoy myself, I know it is. What really needs to get done will get done when I hop back into it. But it's so....It's so scary, letting go and trusting that your world isn't going to crumble if you don't finish this or that, when your such a control freak regarding every aspect of daily life.
My mood hasn't been the greatest because of all this. Since I moved out on my own in mid 2017, my output of art has plummeted...And not because I'm not enjoying it, or passionate about it. I'm more passionate and excited to draw now more than ever, now that a comic...an animation, something, anything, even just expressing my sexuality in new ways through art at a blazing fast pace, is finally within reach.
I will most likely make a piece and share it with you all here describing how I've grown spiritually and sexually this past year. It's just too much to go into right now, in a single journal. Long story short, I don't think I'm actually ace.
I think I'm pan. ♥
And yet, despite everything, I've drawn so much this year. Lots of sketches that were tests and doodles I didn't feel proud enough of or that felt too unfinished to post. I got a Huion Kamvas Pro 16 recently and I'm loving it.
I discovered that the animation software I've always wanted actually exists, and it's free and open source, and I've spent the past few weeks deciding whether or not I want to start animating again or if creating an anthology of comics is really what I want to do. I've spent five years getting ready to make a comic, and after my previous test in my new style, I'm at last on the launching pad to hop into it as soon as I'm ready. But one of the main reasons why I've been so passionate about art since I started taking drawing seriously in 2012 was to start animating again. So I'm at a loss.
Have I been so invested for years in making a comic because I felt it was easier to produce than animation, or do I actually want to make a comic? I'm still....Trying to figure that out. All of this hit me within the past month and it's been throwing me for a loop. I just want to start something, dang it! XD Even just more fun art!
So yeah....I've been blossoming as a sexual being, so expect more sexual art as I explore myself and what I like. Expect more images with concise descriptions instead of deep creative writing projects.
And I assure you, whether I start animating or drawing more comics in the near future....The type you see more of will be the type I really like the most. ♥
If I let myself have the time soon, I'll compile all the doodles and images that I've wanted to post for a long time and get them up here. ♥
One more thing~ You know what's really, actually been frustrating me about my art all this time? I spend....ages, countless hours, on reference sheets. Images that are so....Sexually tame? I adore the fetish-focus and that will still be a thing, but...Tobiki's world is a deeply, incredibly sexual one. I spend most of every day thinking about it, reveling in it. ♥ I want to draw my characters making love to one another, enjoying and exploring their kinky, sexual environments. So....why don't I?
I think I never have because of how blocked up and dissociated I've been most of my life. I think I have a lot of....internalized shame regarding my sexuality, so my content has all been character designs and fetish art for years.
I'm trying to let go and heal but it's just so hard. 2021 was about discovery and trying new things, where I want to go, who I am, how I am, what I want to do with my passions. I want 2022 to be about indulging in that which I love, without any more fear. ♥
...Oh yeah and, if you're reading this and you're an artist, I've wanted to reach out to you for a very long time and talk deeply about art. ♥ But I'm like, extremely shy online so all I do is lurk. If I reach out to you please know I'm fighting through a lot of anxiety to do so. If you want to hit me up on Discord, join my server https://discord.gg/GDkD6n4 and send a message! I'd love to hear from you. ♥.:~ ♥ ~:.