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I forgot what i was going to title this...
4 years ago
UPDATE: the title was drafted as "I finally became straight-up with my mother..." but tbh consider how much i should move on from her ATM, i think the current title is more fitting, ironically
This took the better part of this day to write...
But okay, all those new journals i wrote...
those new notes i wrote to a little amount of people I suspected became uncomfortable with me after the ostracizations...
i'll tell you who i meant with them...
....my mother...
My mother, like anyone else who would read this, is a human being. In this world that we actively choose to personify ourselves as anything but a human being -- even if not with the intention of aligning oneself as a furry or even personifying as their main or staple character to begin with -- we are all human beings
But in the nature of all animals, almost every single other animal we love to actually see in any nature-centric form of media parents their children in a way that they will eventually let them all go
But my mother wanted to keep me....
And the reason? She didn't want to lose anyone who she would have seen eventually leave her permanently in a way that they also disown her...
after she herself had been horribly abused by a man who I couldn't begin to understand how he shaped her
It is just a guess, but a guess that I feel is the best one that would justify actions both from my mother as to how she became abusive herself, even if very primarily emotionally abusive before ever being so physically abusive...
And how I became abusive among my peers to cope with not wanting to retaliate against my mother...
She would never realize how much the world has changed around her and how much she has brought herself behind when it comes to society's reliance on technology both on a technological standpoint and a social standpoint... Even though she has an iPhone 12 and a macbook that I believe would still be able to run a late 2010s Mac OS
But what I believe is also a good argument is that she herself secretly wants to go back to a good, earlier part of her life before she even got into relationships in general...
I think she deep down knows how damaging she has been when she has failed to cope with whatever abuse she had from her own father
And ironic thing? My father was abused himself as well, and even physically, but you know which of my two parents actually became better in the long run anyway?
My father
And my mother hated that. She let jealousy run so deeply inside of her that she confused the hate she much more heavily would have exercised on her own father with hate she grew for my own father instead....
And even tried having her own children -- me and my own sister -- to hate my father by constantly calling him "evil son of a bitch."
I remember trying early on to criticize the way she was treating us when she was in her hate phases against our father…and i actually came to realize subconsciously that in order to make my own living situation tolerable, i should keep my mouth shut as much as I can….
My sister didn't do that though. She rebelled so much heavier than myself did…
And thus she for high school lived with my father instead, while i still technically had a residence with mom that i actually even went back to because all kinds of stress held me back from doing a good job during my first college run, and unfortunately, the mental war seemingly she pronlonged didn't help at all
But then she convinced me to come back home anyway, on the pretense she had a "plan."
But the eventual concieved plan? Get me on SSI, because she had no plan and i was unmotivated to progress in my life due to how much she didn't teach me how I should have, and the living conditions she created making me afraid to talk with my father by any over-air means while i was in her own home, and she continued to do her emotional abuse of hate against her ex-husband in needless situations and me being hopelessly impatient on wanting to know when she'd help me progress in my own life…
It had to take a lucky 2nd run of a 2-year college, then a lucky job landing in another state that let me FINALLY learn to live for myself, appreciate myself, fend for myself….
All because i lost that job i moved there for, too, since i wasn't at all sufficiently nurtured enough to know how to best respect living with co-workers even though i never even did heavy damage with them whatsoever (they were concerned with my level of maturity but i'm actually thankful they let me go now that i've realized this)
And within the brink of december, after it took the last 6 months to actually finally get it straight versus getting epiphanies that were trying to combat the manipulation from the narcissistic nurturing and misguided sheltering that my mom put on me for years...
That i denied...
Literally from a decade and a half ago from the moment my parents divorced, or even very surely before....
I finally became upfront to my mother and told her how I felt, deep down...
that she conditioned me to deny, that she conditioned me to instead cope with making online damage versus any damage to her or the household or even PHYSICAL instead
That I chose to internalize even when I was making smaller epiphanies because I still want the kind of happy family that i didn't think had horrible roots even when I was 5...
The past my mother had, "should have stayed in the past...and i know it's hard, but you effectively have never been able to move on to the point it's even shaped me to be a spiteful person for years, and to cope and make myself not blow up on you too often...
"That's why I ended up being a jerk on online social spaces....
"The saving grace is your sheltering allowed me to not actually commit a convictable physical crime...
"Because I could have actually done so if i had free will to 'cope' by making physical damage to the physical public instead of emotional and mental damage to the online public"
And it internally scares me to think of what myself could have become if I had been allowed to behave that way outside of home, but "i myself don't even want the hate to spread from what I've had to grow up with anymore. I have grown so much lingering trauma from it all and it will still affect my social confidence for a long time"
…..
You all need to notice what i quoted. That was all snips of just one text message to my mother I sent two days before the new year…
And the text was a response to these:
Like…it was from an older phone…
Why should that matter when I've stopped living with her?
We did reach an agreement of me paying for my cell phone line so i can keep my number as well as pay for my own toll pass from now on, but yeah…
My mother…
"not making an effort to read through any anger any emotionally developing child to help them understand how to calm down...instead of pushing that anger away so it comes back another day anyway…
"Mom...
"Is that what your father did to any of you? And i mean you, Titi ----, and uncle ----?
"Taking away things on the pretense you'd think your own children would stop comparing how you behave towards us vs how our father did never works...
"It never has, it never will
"And you know who else wanted to see a happy family despite the traumatic upbringing he himself had?
"......his name....starts with a K"
I can be forever so much more thankful to him for helping me break this cycle my mother put my through…
But again…..
The thing about her…
- I've realized that especially after the separation, i grew up under you in a way i had to step on eggshells after i realized (even if angrily) commenting on the way dad was trying to parent us vs how you were doing it wasn't working
- i kept falling for believing the gifts you'd eventually give both me and [my sister] for "good behavior" was "love" but it also came with being a reward for not making you mad almost with any comment about dad whatsoever...
- if your own social living conditions in the Bronx and especially [making the effort to come from outside of Manhattan to pick me up from Manhattan during] 9/11 [when authorities blocked access against most other people coming in (she's a RN)] traumatized you out of being open to have me and my sister try being out and/or with peers more often to have ourselves learn to socialize with them, I'm sorry, but it never helped you wanted to make special arrangements that were never compatible with helping me hang out with anyone and that you even discouraged peer socializing
…..
And i told her i feel bad for her, too…
…in my christmas letter to her….
That i drew her a dog poking their snoot through a loving hand gesture….
And looking back, yes, i didn't make it clear at ALL that i meant as much as I admitted in that one text, but why should i have when I did even make it clear before her accusatory messages that I actually DID start taking therapy again and this time -- literally just last month -- I FINALLY TOOK IT SERIOUSLY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE.
"While i have been living on my own, I made realizations by myself before I started taking therapy again, but this time it has been for the first time that I have seen the opportunity for me to take it for myself without you needing to worry immediately, or with the complications of the doubt from all that family drama making me so confused as to what I should admit or whether I even should admit it. For the entire time that I was in [college] state, my state of mind was literally so shattered by the years of the family issues and even the repercussions of how I tried to cope with the issues...."
And the repercussions?
….doing all of you wrong……….just to minimize how often I got mom mad
And failing to admit how much i was suffering because i kept falling for the conditioned trauma she inflicted on me, even when i gave occasional hints…
….
Literally none of you have to forgive me at this point….
But it's been a long time coming
….
But i want to see the happy family i had when i was 5 again, even if it had been fucked from behind my scenes then
But i want there to be pure happiness now…
And i don't want to not love her anymore
….we're just going to take time away from each other now while i still figure things out from here….
I hope you've had good lives to this point so far…
And happy new year
Let's make life move up from here, just like all the bubbles all of us (might have) blown from those bottles when we were five. It was a happier time. I just want that again <3
This took the better part of this day to write...
But okay, all those new journals i wrote...
those new notes i wrote to a little amount of people I suspected became uncomfortable with me after the ostracizations...
i'll tell you who i meant with them...
....my mother...
My mother, like anyone else who would read this, is a human being. In this world that we actively choose to personify ourselves as anything but a human being -- even if not with the intention of aligning oneself as a furry or even personifying as their main or staple character to begin with -- we are all human beings
But in the nature of all animals, almost every single other animal we love to actually see in any nature-centric form of media parents their children in a way that they will eventually let them all go
But my mother wanted to keep me....
And the reason? She didn't want to lose anyone who she would have seen eventually leave her permanently in a way that they also disown her...
after she herself had been horribly abused by a man who I couldn't begin to understand how he shaped her
It is just a guess, but a guess that I feel is the best one that would justify actions both from my mother as to how she became abusive herself, even if very primarily emotionally abusive before ever being so physically abusive...
And how I became abusive among my peers to cope with not wanting to retaliate against my mother...
She would never realize how much the world has changed around her and how much she has brought herself behind when it comes to society's reliance on technology both on a technological standpoint and a social standpoint... Even though she has an iPhone 12 and a macbook that I believe would still be able to run a late 2010s Mac OS
But what I believe is also a good argument is that she herself secretly wants to go back to a good, earlier part of her life before she even got into relationships in general...
I think she deep down knows how damaging she has been when she has failed to cope with whatever abuse she had from her own father
And ironic thing? My father was abused himself as well, and even physically, but you know which of my two parents actually became better in the long run anyway?
My father
And my mother hated that. She let jealousy run so deeply inside of her that she confused the hate she much more heavily would have exercised on her own father with hate she grew for my own father instead....
And even tried having her own children -- me and my own sister -- to hate my father by constantly calling him "evil son of a bitch."
I remember trying early on to criticize the way she was treating us when she was in her hate phases against our father…and i actually came to realize subconsciously that in order to make my own living situation tolerable, i should keep my mouth shut as much as I can….
My sister didn't do that though. She rebelled so much heavier than myself did…
And thus she for high school lived with my father instead, while i still technically had a residence with mom that i actually even went back to because all kinds of stress held me back from doing a good job during my first college run, and unfortunately, the mental war seemingly she pronlonged didn't help at all
But then she convinced me to come back home anyway, on the pretense she had a "plan."
But the eventual concieved plan? Get me on SSI, because she had no plan and i was unmotivated to progress in my life due to how much she didn't teach me how I should have, and the living conditions she created making me afraid to talk with my father by any over-air means while i was in her own home, and she continued to do her emotional abuse of hate against her ex-husband in needless situations and me being hopelessly impatient on wanting to know when she'd help me progress in my own life…
It had to take a lucky 2nd run of a 2-year college, then a lucky job landing in another state that let me FINALLY learn to live for myself, appreciate myself, fend for myself….
All because i lost that job i moved there for, too, since i wasn't at all sufficiently nurtured enough to know how to best respect living with co-workers even though i never even did heavy damage with them whatsoever (they were concerned with my level of maturity but i'm actually thankful they let me go now that i've realized this)
And within the brink of december, after it took the last 6 months to actually finally get it straight versus getting epiphanies that were trying to combat the manipulation from the narcissistic nurturing and misguided sheltering that my mom put on me for years...
That i denied...
Literally from a decade and a half ago from the moment my parents divorced, or even very surely before....
I finally became upfront to my mother and told her how I felt, deep down...
that she conditioned me to deny, that she conditioned me to instead cope with making online damage versus any damage to her or the household or even PHYSICAL instead
That I chose to internalize even when I was making smaller epiphanies because I still want the kind of happy family that i didn't think had horrible roots even when I was 5...
The past my mother had, "should have stayed in the past...and i know it's hard, but you effectively have never been able to move on to the point it's even shaped me to be a spiteful person for years, and to cope and make myself not blow up on you too often...
"That's why I ended up being a jerk on online social spaces....
"The saving grace is your sheltering allowed me to not actually commit a convictable physical crime...
"Because I could have actually done so if i had free will to 'cope' by making physical damage to the physical public instead of emotional and mental damage to the online public"
And it internally scares me to think of what myself could have become if I had been allowed to behave that way outside of home, but "i myself don't even want the hate to spread from what I've had to grow up with anymore. I have grown so much lingering trauma from it all and it will still affect my social confidence for a long time"
…..
You all need to notice what i quoted. That was all snips of just one text message to my mother I sent two days before the new year…
And the text was a response to these:
Honestly, I don't understand what you're saying. Wanting to "happily see me again" and ignoring me sounds suspect. All of this negative behavior towards me may blow up in your face.
Is your "therapist" encouraging you to further distance yourself from me?
Ok, since you are choosing to ignore my calls, I will no longer pay for your cell service.
You can send me a text/email explaining why i should pay for your cell service when you are clearly refusing to communicate with me.
The only reason i texted you this morning was to verify that you took out the sim card from your phone and that it wasnt stolenLike…it was from an older phone…
Why should that matter when I've stopped living with her?
We did reach an agreement of me paying for my cell phone line so i can keep my number as well as pay for my own toll pass from now on, but yeah…
My mother…
"not making an effort to read through any anger any emotionally developing child to help them understand how to calm down...instead of pushing that anger away so it comes back another day anyway…
"Mom...
"Is that what your father did to any of you? And i mean you, Titi ----, and uncle ----?
"Taking away things on the pretense you'd think your own children would stop comparing how you behave towards us vs how our father did never works...
"It never has, it never will
"And you know who else wanted to see a happy family despite the traumatic upbringing he himself had?
"......his name....starts with a K"
I can be forever so much more thankful to him for helping me break this cycle my mother put my through…
But again…..
The thing about her…
- I've realized that especially after the separation, i grew up under you in a way i had to step on eggshells after i realized (even if angrily) commenting on the way dad was trying to parent us vs how you were doing it wasn't working
- i kept falling for believing the gifts you'd eventually give both me and [my sister] for "good behavior" was "love" but it also came with being a reward for not making you mad almost with any comment about dad whatsoever...
- if your own social living conditions in the Bronx and especially [making the effort to come from outside of Manhattan to pick me up from Manhattan during] 9/11 [when authorities blocked access against most other people coming in (she's a RN)] traumatized you out of being open to have me and my sister try being out and/or with peers more often to have ourselves learn to socialize with them, I'm sorry, but it never helped you wanted to make special arrangements that were never compatible with helping me hang out with anyone and that you even discouraged peer socializing
…..
And i told her i feel bad for her, too…
…in my christmas letter to her….
That i drew her a dog poking their snoot through a loving hand gesture….
And looking back, yes, i didn't make it clear at ALL that i meant as much as I admitted in that one text, but why should i have when I did even make it clear before her accusatory messages that I actually DID start taking therapy again and this time -- literally just last month -- I FINALLY TOOK IT SERIOUSLY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE.
"While i have been living on my own, I made realizations by myself before I started taking therapy again, but this time it has been for the first time that I have seen the opportunity for me to take it for myself without you needing to worry immediately, or with the complications of the doubt from all that family drama making me so confused as to what I should admit or whether I even should admit it. For the entire time that I was in [college] state, my state of mind was literally so shattered by the years of the family issues and even the repercussions of how I tried to cope with the issues...."
And the repercussions?
….doing all of you wrong……….just to minimize how often I got mom mad
And failing to admit how much i was suffering because i kept falling for the conditioned trauma she inflicted on me, even when i gave occasional hints…
….
Literally none of you have to forgive me at this point….
But it's been a long time coming
….
But i want to see the happy family i had when i was 5 again, even if it had been fucked from behind my scenes then
But i want there to be pure happiness now…
And i don't want to not love her anymore
….we're just going to take time away from each other now while i still figure things out from here….
I hope you've had good lives to this point so far…
And happy new year
Let's make life move up from here, just like all the bubbles all of us (might have) blown from those bottles when we were five. It was a happier time. I just want that again <3
That's a petty lie when that was even commented by what I remember seeing as a Texan most likely also hispanic, given the username literally has a color in spanish…and I'm hispanic, too..
And I grew up literally close enough to the Bronx border…
Where there's prominent "ghetto" social living standards…
To quote what I wrote to a new friend I made, who is from a hispanic country with very little racial discrimination, if any at all…
"I honestly get curious as to how many parts of the world actually embrace the existence of multiple human races and actually accepts the diversity and unity of everyone who lives in any one country. However, it can be also said that the slang n-word was coined due to the fact especially the blacks were tired of being discriminated against.
There's this one YouTuber from Brooklyn who I discovered very late but did also make eye-opening points about how we should perceive the use of the slang word versus the original form of the word.
And he is also a person that had at times a very high awareness of himself and how tending to oneself and mental health should work
I think another point that could be brought up about the way racism treats the mental health of the suppressed is that even if the day-to-day life is afforded to those otherwise suffering in a systemic racism society, when it comes to the nurturing towards these people in such a society, besides how families directly would do so, it's telling when we have to consider the attitudes and approaches these people would take to tend to their mental health instead just because they either couldn't afford the better avenues or were presented them too late or in a way that they would just think it's not the best thing for them. Especially in the case like Desmond's, it definitely did seem like he wanted to be happy by just having fun, which is also a common theme among the "ghetto" people in at least the tri-state area around New York City.
But from my experience having roamed around the parts of the US I have in general so far, I would not be surprised if it extends to the majority of the US with these people.
And unfortunately, several circumstances tricked Desmond into thinking that taking to Twitter would have always been the best for him, even for times that he had mental breakdowns, it really wasn't.
The second video I was wanting to link to you was an insight he said about when anyone should go to therapy. I don't know if that video even has that part. It was the first time I was exposed to this length of a snippet of one of his streams, considering like I said, I came late to the fan party.
I'm bummed he didn't take his own advice.
I would have loved to meet him so I could even understand how happy bits of my own personality should be. When I came to be a more regular fan and watch her of his content, which again, was in the last one or two months of his life, I saw a lot of positive vibes emanating from him, all in exciting ways. It helped me remember the kind of happy attitudes that I want to have again
And then he killed himself
……..
The attitude of this video gets a little bit scary if you are the type of person who would normally get uncomfortable at the use of any form of the n-word, but when given the context of this also being a reaction video to him having temporarily been suspended on Twitter after excitedly using the slang word to a friend of his, it really opens the eyes as to how much racism still exists in this world
https://youtu.be/WAQ1BV3CZx4
But i remember him having also mentioned advice for therapy…and i don't know whether this was the video that contained it, but it shows how insightful minorities can really be
https://youtu.be/jtc5RgBjQmE
Etika was a man who should have never been taken with a grain of salt…
My friend actually loved him
He wasn't no bitch
He wasn't no snitch
He wasn't no Twitch
But he wasn't no fake
And i don't wanna be fake anymore
But it also helps to be patient with those suffering, especially to those who've only ever been on the internet and whose intentions show no signs of them actually being able to have the means of going through with dangerous antics…
Because they may have never wanted to mean no harm