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i disowned my mother + other clarifications
4 years ago
So, when thinking about my behaviorisms and things I'd exhibited, a lot of them could argue that I was "attention-seeking" to a toxic detriment….
Well, when doubting whether you're truly "loved" by the primary parent you've lived with for much more than should have been necessary…when you've even wanted to have loved said parent yourself because you have actively tried seeing through the imperfections to the point you even have trained yourself to deny the wrongs they exhibited, and going as far as to habitually "agree" with the other parent being "toxic" and "manipulative" when the primary parent had actually been the one for years and years to have put us down so much, so often….all emotionally…
Yes
Yes, I was wanting positive attention…
I was wanting positive attention from my mother….
And did I get it?
………rarely…….ever….
And it became to the point that I just felt so emotionally lost whenever I wasn't online because even with the cyberbullies I did come across on the likes of Cheezburger (thanks, Teacko), I felt so alive to see bright and happy people who loved the dragons and imaginations regarding us wondering their potential powers and prowesses and just having fun expressing happiness….
But I wasn't taught how to do such things…and instead became one of the most infamous, toxic Spyro fans who did say "If you like Skylanders you should die," but also tried coping with his physical home life by suddenly getting drawn to someone I shouldn't have had at the time due to their kindness….someone who showed maturity against expectations for what would have been the norm amongst people of their time
Who somehow also got a reputation of being "xenophobic" despite me having grown up around diverse POC's in a physical "ghetto" culture, also in a country that frequent physical isolation exists due to suburbia borderline requiring errands be done by vehicles that still socially isolate locals that should be in an opposite of not being in such a scenario so they can more frequently learn to get along.
Who somehow also got a reputation of being "transphobic" despite me not having initially habitualized respecting choice of gender against biology
Who somehow also got a reputation of "pretending to be a young girl" when to combat the reputation of the previous point, I actually did try exploring whether I would feel happy as at least non-binary or gender-fluid, but really only had low self-esteem because of having suffered continued trauma both from my mother as well as the repercussions from having failed to take opportunities of self-improvement due to my mother convincing me there isn't such other than "relying on her" (i just was in a RP phase and wanted to become one of my dragon lady characters in their own world; gaining lying habits otherwise when abused is a bitch :( ).
I got drawn to people who showed basic decency because my mother showed it too few and far in between, instead trying to manipulate me and my sister into hating our roughed-became-gentle father
And I tried hinting with cues I thought would've made it obvious to mom….
But she didn't care
And doesn't now
And repeatedly perpetuated more and more that he was an "evil son of a bitch"
But also negatively influenced us more to not challenge or question things in general for the most part because rather than teaching us how to clarify anything more kindly when we felt we needed to correct her on anything so she can do a thing "better"....well, I forgot for what specifics, but she frequently said, "You think I'm stupid!"
She was…the toxic one…
And I actively denied it for years even when I had small epiphanies about things in my life potentially "not being right," by small realizations of what they could be, both on my family and my peer-social sides….
But i just wanted to still believe so hard that my mother was doing her best…
I really did…
..
.
.
.
.
That all changed with a conversation during last week's Wednesday…
But even then, there'd been other significant texts [detailed in comments as it'd prolong getting to the disowning moment]
The basic rundown from the texts before this conversation were about her having badly reacted to my Christmas letter, that I on impulse decided to leave as a "temporary farewell" letter thanks to me just having become so ill to have given her any gifts, but her eventually diplomatic about giving me space….
It quickly changed once she re-read the texts, but then she sent a picture of a credit card advertisement letter…
19 Jan 2022:
her:
>>> You received this in the mail. It feels like a credit card, and it seems like the information on the card was "traced". [i.e. it was pressed down so the number can be obtained, even though it would have been a temporary card and they would've needed my SSN, now that I think of it]
Me:
Thank you. I'm replying this time because you brought up an actual point of concern i felt warranted replying to.
I'm sorry for not having replied to your "hit a bump" message, by the way...
I've become a workaholic to cope with living on my own...but since you did see the address on the envelope, yes, it also does mean that he's become generally a person I'd become more comfortable with as of late, since -- whether ironic or not -- he's come to far less often hit me with attitudes that make me question -- for lack of a better phrase -- my sanity...
If we were to take the good things you and I did together at face value, a lot of them are cherishable...and i will always cherish all the great times we had together that were actually good without consequence or preemptiveness....
I just want a mother who focuses on giving her children a good time without jealousy towards the other parent....
So I'm sorry for not having replied then...and I'm sorry that i gave you yet another letter you took a sour way...
But the "i will always love you" ending? I really wanted that to stick...
I'll always love the kind you, and i want that to shine so much greater....
…….
What did she say?
……..
Coincidentally: You & your sister started singing the same song since August of last year, which is undeniably pathetic. Jealousy?!??? LMAOOO!!! You both have so much to learn.
…..
What i then said:
…..
Look, mom…[my sister] and I have been confused about the relationship you and dad had with each other for years and years. It's been more than or almost 2 decades now that we've been able to see any of this going on....
You have your own experience, but we can never fully understand your side of the story in a way we'd feel fully comfortable relating to it, because whether you want to accept it or not, dad has at a point effectively actually stopped being a "jerk" on almost universally every form of the word and just got tired of drama and negativity. You did show me a conversation where he said "ditto" over and over again at a point. I remember you did, and i forgot when, and i forgot the context....but the face-value of the texts at hand, from what I remember, was also much more emotional than diplomatic.
And i remember that more than the context....and I'm sure you'd remember it like that, too...
And it'd frustrate you as the parent who still wants their children, but confuse the children who'd never be able to become fair judges when it comes to actually getting their mother's story in an actually civil, fully diplomatic manner that doesn't have rage or anger or angst getting in the way of letting us see whether you ever at least feel bad for making your own children uncomfortable with the way you're handling your own situation.
You are angry at your situation...you had been for years...
But you had kept wanting us to go along with your anger towards your situation and healthy or to-be-healthy children do NOT want to be angry in the long run for almost any reason
It screws them up in the long run for a long time that they wouldn't know how long it'd last
It's been that way for me
And this is still going on
This is why [my sister] left you.
…………
The only reason you replied is because you NEEDED information. You're just as self-absorbed as your sister, and you both will forever be that "nurturing father's" puppets.
………..
I then chanted about how my approach towards the situations at hand lately are me wanting self care. She didn't care.
I wanted to imply her being a sick bastard if she had been getting a thrill of then me losing my shit on her, but the furthest I went was this:
>>> ...if grandma and Titi were to somehow no longer be in your life and you also lost connection to every family member you're actually comfortable with....
....
Like even if a lot of dad's side of the family "cut you from their lives"...
How do you think you'd eventually feel?
..................because that has been me for much too long.....
And i hated that more than forcing myself to even hustle on my own in Virginia just to survive
…..
She
Did
Not
Care
…………………………………………….
WTF HAPPENED?!?!? Really?!? Nothing more than the obvious: You both have become PUPPETS!!! Live your lives as you wish: according to your father! Your father is acting innocent now that he's turned you both against me. Good luck with life.
………………………………………….
Even if that's true....
What generally wins anyone over time is kindness....
More than any kind of negativity
It's too easy to show false kindness to anyone of an age who'd make them not know much better, but even if that's true...
What wins back people from false kindness is true kindness that isn't hindered by genuine hate against the faker....
Good luck figuring that part of life out, if you're to win either of us back...
I blocked her afterwards
I unblocked her after i told my father what happened and he convinced me to unblock her to save my face for future situations that it'd be beneficial to allow her to talk with me..
But this buildup…
And the ending i made…
….i'd be surprised if she dare contact me now. It took me a few hours, but then I realized I disowned her, harder than she was "disowning" me…
And it felt
So
Fucking
Liberating….
But I still won't be able to shake off the guilt of the sins I'd done online as a way to not retaliate against her….
And not every one of you will forgive me…
Some of you who I'd previously bothered and somehow would've seen this journal wouldn't really have bothered to read this whole entry
And that's fine
We are individuals in our own physical presences only extending ourselves virtually because in our day-to-day lives otherwise, so many of us can only go on virtual lives for so long before our physical needs have to be tended to once again…
And physical needs?
They include all health.
And I ignored the need to care for my own for so long, but also because my ignorance was a product of displaced trust that I wanted to believe my mother would fulfill….
She never did enough…
Food and shelter is one thing in a human society, but if there's so many we can go to at this point…
It's now so much better that I'm away from her….
So yeah…
That's why i was previously such a horrible person online….
But also why when I admitted my wants for committing suicide, at least for me, they were real.
And i want to change that.
Please allow me to show my efforts from now on. Thank you <3
Well, when doubting whether you're truly "loved" by the primary parent you've lived with for much more than should have been necessary…when you've even wanted to have loved said parent yourself because you have actively tried seeing through the imperfections to the point you even have trained yourself to deny the wrongs they exhibited, and going as far as to habitually "agree" with the other parent being "toxic" and "manipulative" when the primary parent had actually been the one for years and years to have put us down so much, so often….all emotionally…
Yes
Yes, I was wanting positive attention…
I was wanting positive attention from my mother….
And did I get it?
………rarely…….ever….
And it became to the point that I just felt so emotionally lost whenever I wasn't online because even with the cyberbullies I did come across on the likes of Cheezburger (thanks, Teacko), I felt so alive to see bright and happy people who loved the dragons and imaginations regarding us wondering their potential powers and prowesses and just having fun expressing happiness….
But I wasn't taught how to do such things…and instead became one of the most infamous, toxic Spyro fans who did say "If you like Skylanders you should die," but also tried coping with his physical home life by suddenly getting drawn to someone I shouldn't have had at the time due to their kindness….someone who showed maturity against expectations for what would have been the norm amongst people of their time
Who somehow also got a reputation of being "xenophobic" despite me having grown up around diverse POC's in a physical "ghetto" culture, also in a country that frequent physical isolation exists due to suburbia borderline requiring errands be done by vehicles that still socially isolate locals that should be in an opposite of not being in such a scenario so they can more frequently learn to get along.
Who somehow also got a reputation of being "transphobic" despite me not having initially habitualized respecting choice of gender against biology
Who somehow also got a reputation of "pretending to be a young girl" when to combat the reputation of the previous point, I actually did try exploring whether I would feel happy as at least non-binary or gender-fluid, but really only had low self-esteem because of having suffered continued trauma both from my mother as well as the repercussions from having failed to take opportunities of self-improvement due to my mother convincing me there isn't such other than "relying on her" (i just was in a RP phase and wanted to become one of my dragon lady characters in their own world; gaining lying habits otherwise when abused is a bitch :( ).
I got drawn to people who showed basic decency because my mother showed it too few and far in between, instead trying to manipulate me and my sister into hating our roughed-became-gentle father
And I tried hinting with cues I thought would've made it obvious to mom….
But she didn't care
And doesn't now
And repeatedly perpetuated more and more that he was an "evil son of a bitch"
But also negatively influenced us more to not challenge or question things in general for the most part because rather than teaching us how to clarify anything more kindly when we felt we needed to correct her on anything so she can do a thing "better"....well, I forgot for what specifics, but she frequently said, "You think I'm stupid!"
She was…the toxic one…
And I actively denied it for years even when I had small epiphanies about things in my life potentially "not being right," by small realizations of what they could be, both on my family and my peer-social sides….
But i just wanted to still believe so hard that my mother was doing her best…
I really did…
..
.
.
.
.
That all changed with a conversation during last week's Wednesday…
But even then, there'd been other significant texts [detailed in comments as it'd prolong getting to the disowning moment]
The basic rundown from the texts before this conversation were about her having badly reacted to my Christmas letter, that I on impulse decided to leave as a "temporary farewell" letter thanks to me just having become so ill to have given her any gifts, but her eventually diplomatic about giving me space….
It quickly changed once she re-read the texts, but then she sent a picture of a credit card advertisement letter…
19 Jan 2022:
her:
>>> You received this in the mail. It feels like a credit card, and it seems like the information on the card was "traced". [i.e. it was pressed down so the number can be obtained, even though it would have been a temporary card and they would've needed my SSN, now that I think of it]
Me:
Thank you. I'm replying this time because you brought up an actual point of concern i felt warranted replying to.
I'm sorry for not having replied to your "hit a bump" message, by the way...
I've become a workaholic to cope with living on my own...but since you did see the address on the envelope, yes, it also does mean that he's become generally a person I'd become more comfortable with as of late, since -- whether ironic or not -- he's come to far less often hit me with attitudes that make me question -- for lack of a better phrase -- my sanity...
If we were to take the good things you and I did together at face value, a lot of them are cherishable...and i will always cherish all the great times we had together that were actually good without consequence or preemptiveness....
I just want a mother who focuses on giving her children a good time without jealousy towards the other parent....
So I'm sorry for not having replied then...and I'm sorry that i gave you yet another letter you took a sour way...
But the "i will always love you" ending? I really wanted that to stick...
I'll always love the kind you, and i want that to shine so much greater....
…….
What did she say?
……..
Coincidentally: You & your sister started singing the same song since August of last year, which is undeniably pathetic. Jealousy?!??? LMAOOO!!! You both have so much to learn.
…..
What i then said:
…..
Look, mom…[my sister] and I have been confused about the relationship you and dad had with each other for years and years. It's been more than or almost 2 decades now that we've been able to see any of this going on....
You have your own experience, but we can never fully understand your side of the story in a way we'd feel fully comfortable relating to it, because whether you want to accept it or not, dad has at a point effectively actually stopped being a "jerk" on almost universally every form of the word and just got tired of drama and negativity. You did show me a conversation where he said "ditto" over and over again at a point. I remember you did, and i forgot when, and i forgot the context....but the face-value of the texts at hand, from what I remember, was also much more emotional than diplomatic.
And i remember that more than the context....and I'm sure you'd remember it like that, too...
And it'd frustrate you as the parent who still wants their children, but confuse the children who'd never be able to become fair judges when it comes to actually getting their mother's story in an actually civil, fully diplomatic manner that doesn't have rage or anger or angst getting in the way of letting us see whether you ever at least feel bad for making your own children uncomfortable with the way you're handling your own situation.
You are angry at your situation...you had been for years...
But you had kept wanting us to go along with your anger towards your situation and healthy or to-be-healthy children do NOT want to be angry in the long run for almost any reason
It screws them up in the long run for a long time that they wouldn't know how long it'd last
It's been that way for me
And this is still going on
This is why [my sister] left you.
…………
The only reason you replied is because you NEEDED information. You're just as self-absorbed as your sister, and you both will forever be that "nurturing father's" puppets.
………..
I then chanted about how my approach towards the situations at hand lately are me wanting self care. She didn't care.
I wanted to imply her being a sick bastard if she had been getting a thrill of then me losing my shit on her, but the furthest I went was this:
>>> ...if grandma and Titi were to somehow no longer be in your life and you also lost connection to every family member you're actually comfortable with....
....
Like even if a lot of dad's side of the family "cut you from their lives"...
How do you think you'd eventually feel?
..................because that has been me for much too long.....
And i hated that more than forcing myself to even hustle on my own in Virginia just to survive
…..
She
Did
Not
Care
…………………………………………….
WTF HAPPENED?!?!? Really?!? Nothing more than the obvious: You both have become PUPPETS!!! Live your lives as you wish: according to your father! Your father is acting innocent now that he's turned you both against me. Good luck with life.
………………………………………….
Even if that's true....
What generally wins anyone over time is kindness....
More than any kind of negativity
It's too easy to show false kindness to anyone of an age who'd make them not know much better, but even if that's true...
What wins back people from false kindness is true kindness that isn't hindered by genuine hate against the faker....
Good luck figuring that part of life out, if you're to win either of us back...
I blocked her afterwards
I unblocked her after i told my father what happened and he convinced me to unblock her to save my face for future situations that it'd be beneficial to allow her to talk with me..
But this buildup…
And the ending i made…
….i'd be surprised if she dare contact me now. It took me a few hours, but then I realized I disowned her, harder than she was "disowning" me…
And it felt
So
Fucking
Liberating….
But I still won't be able to shake off the guilt of the sins I'd done online as a way to not retaliate against her….
And not every one of you will forgive me…
Some of you who I'd previously bothered and somehow would've seen this journal wouldn't really have bothered to read this whole entry
And that's fine
We are individuals in our own physical presences only extending ourselves virtually because in our day-to-day lives otherwise, so many of us can only go on virtual lives for so long before our physical needs have to be tended to once again…
And physical needs?
They include all health.
And I ignored the need to care for my own for so long, but also because my ignorance was a product of displaced trust that I wanted to believe my mother would fulfill….
She never did enough…
Food and shelter is one thing in a human society, but if there's so many we can go to at this point…
It's now so much better that I'm away from her….
So yeah…
That's why i was previously such a horrible person online….
But also why when I admitted my wants for committing suicide, at least for me, they were real.
And i want to change that.
Please allow me to show my efforts from now on. Thank you <3
- my mentions of suicidal intent
- my reputation regarding a crush I had on an individual of an age demographic that would now be legally mature (but likely won't approach again due to the circumstances)
- forgot to make it clear but also the longings for self-redemption for a significant other person I would've loved to see thanks to my own self-esteem having reached an all-time low (it's not Jasonafex fuck him)
- my apparently "racist" habits
- weird habits that've made me look like a "young girl"
Another comment on stalking is below
And another comment of the preface texts explaining why i took so long to take therapy seriously is also below.
But she'd still been narcissistic at the end of the day
In general, NYC is still very much crime-ridden, and my mother didn't want me in any form of danger when we'd grown up so close to the city itself
But she had too much misguidance, unfortunately
All the emotional abuse i had made me so afraid to communicate that i was even suffering in the first place because it'd been my mother...
She'd been the narcissistic parent of my two
And even in a way she'd confused the hate she'd grown against her father and pinned it as hate against my father instead, and tried subconsciously manipulating me and my sister to do the sameI became afraid of triggering her to go on needless hate rants about my father
It became an environment i was even afraid to have any over-air conversation with him any time i was in her home for a long time, too
And it unfortunately stretched to the point where i failed to communicate that with so many others as part of the reason I'd been a "creep" to so many
I'm still going to be afraid of repercussions from anyone as the reason I'd hesitate to "own up" any more for a long time, if any further need arises…
But at least I've done it now. This is the most i can feel be addressed now.
I hope I did well to explain. I really do. If you read any of this, thanks for reading <3
BEGIN SIGNIFICANT PREFACE TEXTS
============================================================
30 Dec 2021, from me:
….
The saving grace is your sheltering allowed me to not actually commit a convictable physical crime…
…….
I was actually tearing when I wrote that first message i did today...because I was hoping you'd be able to connect some form of dots if you had been able to at least understand any way i communicate or developed myself to communicate after all these years...
……
I don't want to cry anymore
30 Dec 2021, from her:
Are you in therapy?
[couple texts later]
Since I'm the reason for your mental state of un-wellness, and you need time away from me, then good luck to you.
I really thought I'd finally gotten through to her, but it of course didn't last forever…
11 Jan 2022:
I just finished reading your texts.
>>> 1) It's sooooo interesting that you have forgotten ALL the times that I encouraged you to go to therapy to deal with whatever you were going through, and your response: "...I forgot, I'll do it tomorrow...". Ironically, I was the one who had to show up in school whenever you acted up, and I was always afraid that you would do a Columbine kind of thing, which is why I made sure you went to therapy.
- my retroactive response: while I was in a mental state I was hyper-focused on making sure I don't lose my mind, I couldn't actually remember so clearly who more often in my first run of college actually physically took me to therapy…and even if it had been my mother, my father did also play a role at least once? I don't remember, but the fact the office was more than one bus ride away didn't help in car-dependent america, either…but i actually succumbed to my father's advice of eventually rescinding my mother's ability to check the psychologist records because I was a legal adult and well…read on for details past this message my mother sent
>>> But guess who said that you didn't need therapy? Your "father"! He didn't even want to take you to therapy on the days of the week when you & your sister were supposed to be with him, so the responsibility was solely mine.
- my retroactive response: my father clarified years later that he eventually realized how important it was for me to go to therapy and he even did a 180 during our youth, but wanted to prioritize connecting with us in direct involvements and connections…"father son/daughter" moments, but again, read on
>>> 2) My father's name is [redacted], and the reason that I don't speak to him is because he only sought me out whenever he needed money, and was always calling me "stupid", among other things.
3) My father, as it turns out, is a pervert, and I'm glad that I didn't expose you or your sister to his behavior.
My retroactive response: okay fair enough, but you still had your own toxic behavior and never owned up to it…almost ever. I cannot remember a SINGLE time you did.
>>> 4) As for "[stepmother's name, but in quotes, as she usually calls her "Red-headed ghost]": she had a hand in raising [my sister] and she has never spoken to me, which is wrong on soooo many levels. When I had to go to Puerto Rico when my uncle died, she helped your father take care of you & your sister. Before I left to Puerto Rico, I wrote her a letter, thanking her in advance for taking care of you and your sister. I provided my cell number and she never responded. When she dropped you guys off in front of the house, I was going to thank her, but she never acknowledged me and she took off.
My retroactive response: mom, you already did things that made her afraid of talking to you beforehand. I did find a "gun" in her home, but it was a prop gun for a play; my stepmother is a music teacher and loves theatre, and the play she was setting up just so happened to have needed that prop
But then you took my saying of my finding WAY too far and tried ruining her by trying so hard to convince local courts that she had an actual, functional gun. She could have actually lost her fucking job because the first judge even decided to not even listen to a BLIP of what stepmom had to say.
She became afraid of talking to you because the court then ruled that if any second report about a "gun" came about at all within 7 years from that incident, she'd lose her teaching license.
>>> 5) You and your sister are both "singing" your father's praises at the same time: "he's nurturing", and nothing could be further from the truth. He's just playing you like his little puppets.
My retroactive response: the key difference is that when our father says things about you, he doesn't do it in any demeaning way and has at this point turned to more often encourage us to "reach out" to you if we felt comfortable….and that behavior, mom, doesn't make us comfortable.
>>> 6) Just like your sister: you have selective memory. You seem to forget when your "problems" started: when your father started allowing you to refer to me as "stupid bitch". That's when you started becoming really problematic, when you started getting physically and verbally abusive towards me. But you're trying to not acknowledge that point in your life because it's "cringe".
My retroactive response: not entirely unfair but still presented in a toxic, hateful attitude, so I honestly didn't want to respond to this point
>>> I was proud of the person you were becoming before you moved out, but now, I have come to a realization: you and your sister have become TOXIC puppets, and you're believing everything that spews out of the mouth of that "nurturing" individual you call "father". You and your sister make poor choices when it comes to relationships. As I have stared previously: look at your timeline and see when your father became "nurturing": when you started to learn to be more independent, AFTER you had your terrible teen years, but yeah, I'm the one that messed you up.
Since you want to distance yourself from me, and you seemingly have a full time job, then I no longer feel obligated to have you on my cell phone plan. If you keep your number, then you should be able to transfer all of your accounts to your new account. Adulting is not easy, but you shouldn't shun the people who were always there for you. Ultimately, your father got what he wanted: to sabotage the relationship between me and my children. Take time this weekend to get your own plan.
My next few messages go as follows
11 Jan 2022, from me:
>>> I just have gotten tired of being reminded too often that you hate him...and all the confusion blinded me from seeing what was real. I'm still going to be confused for a while, mom…
>>> Mom i do still want to care for you but all the confusion has left me to need time to figure out what has been real with whatever intentions had been true.
>>> I know you don't want to hear it but even if what you say is true, and it was his doing for my toxicity, these tensions will still last for a while because it's too implanted. It needs time. It really does
>>> And yes maybe he forgets that different salaries make for different spending budgets that can be afforded [so that you both can give us different experiences within your radically different budgets] but i do still wish by and large you could have given even [my sister] and myself both more liberties of exploration and freedom back when I was a teen, too [and to spend less on lawyers to fight in court today]...
>>> You do take efforts to get through to me, and i do often forget that...but with how often you express hate towards dad, it has gotten overshadowed too often
And then this big one, which ties more into the retroactive response I wrote for mom's "point 1":
>>> Yes it's been partially because of lack of social awareness and confidence that I'd been afraid to open up during previous therapy sessions before the brink of last year but i think i subconsciously had in mind that there would have been fuel added to fire if what you learned from my therapy sessions had leaked to my father by your words [while i lived with you]...
And something regarding any "twist of words" also happened.
But it does still tie into having become afraid of your ranting i wish could've ended long before both of your children became adults...
….she actively took any excuse possible to blame my father for my suffering…even what I would've said in therapy while I lived with her.
I figured that out very early in my life, when I started going to therapy as a child…
In time slots that barely allowed us to eat dinner at home because she wanted to as much as possible legally reduce the amount of time myself and my sister were allowed to spend with my father on any day he was allowed to spend time with his children…
11 Jan 2022, from her:
>>> As for your teen age years: your father's constant criticism of my parenting skills will always cloud your judgment of my parenting skills
….then why…why did I talk more often more comfortably about you to get his POV vs never wanting to get your POV because all you showed was hate when you've repeated your broken records about him being "evil"?
….
14 Jan 2022, from her:
>>> I know that you & I have hit a bump in our relationship but I just want to let you know that I have always loved you, I still love you and I will always love you.
…..
15 jan…
> are you ignoring my texts?
….16th, after midnight…
>i guess you are
……..seven…teenth….
*sends image of letter i left behind, read:
"Hello, mama y abuela…
"I'm sorry if my blunt messages I've sent lately have been bothersome… However, I really do need to emphasize that when considering the history of the nurturing past really traumatized me -- i really, really need my space for the time-being
And mama….I read your text, but I didn't think it needed replying to
You sent a text that was a very nice send, yes, but when it becomes figured out that time apart is needed, then once the necessary steps and transfers and last things have been made [regarding my phone no. to my own acc; she paid for it before and used to spoil me, breeding entitlement in me], then a last text can be left as one to set the future tone for reconciliation…
So, let me say this to both of you:
I love you, too <3"
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END SIGNIFICANT PREFACE TEXTS
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Have you ever watched Megamind? There's several points in the movie he deliberately plays roles as other people because he came to know being "himself" with the reputation he had at that point would have dispelled so much he didn't want to go wrong while trying to reconcile with the love he had for "good vs evil" fights...
But then it's also very early established in the movie that he did have a good heart and that all he wanted to do was get along and be happy...but situations until the end of the movie just continually painted him to be the bad guy he then too early decided to just "go with."
When he played being that museum guy, and developed a relationship with Roxanne...he was actually getting genuinely happy because even though he was lying, she was helping him fill a void he didn't know he had...
Just the fact he wanted love
And that's all i wanted from my mother
And i chose to stalk because I wasn't properly taught how i should have owned up if i screwed up and had to take a very, VERY long time to figure it out. It took me too long to realize block-evading behaviors actually counted as "stalking" even when there's the intention of wanting to atone somehow. That's all i wanted to do.
And if you want to argue against me using a movie plot to explain my stalking, you'd be forgetting the common argument that art is often a visually symbolic extension of self.
You don't need to forgive me for having had taken too long to stop this behavior, but please don't dismiss the realization I've made about it if you've read this whole comment.
Again, thank you <3
The first epiphany:
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10036185/
The "kindness" nature i remembered about myself and that had been shut down so often in the past:
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10074188/
The epiphany about my "love for water":
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10078336/
The other journal before this one that states my mother (includes comments addressing my "racist" remarks and about another mental health epiphany):
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10092233/