This morning I woke up feeling like garbage. I don't remember much of the dream but I woke up and had a bloody nose where I think I crushed my nose a bit or something tears soaking the bed and my face and overall in a ugly state.

From what I do remember of the dream I know that it involved my family being my dad,mom, sister, and possibly extended family but those were the main ones. The whole dream involved me basically living my live as it has up to this point but this time my family were much more vocal about how disappointed they are with me. My sister rising through the ranks in her job making almost triple what I do and rubbing it in my face. All though in actuality she doesn't but is often supportive but usually indifferent towards me. Then a replay of when I told my dad about how I was having the suicidal thoughts instead of just him it was my mom there as well. Just like my dad's original reaction he was uncaring and or didn't understand however in the dream of just basically ignoring me and going to bed they both encouraged it and said how I was more of a burden than a son as all I did was sap their resources and was a waste of space before shoving me outta their bedroom.

In the dream I remember I reverted to drinking and trying to continue my job but I got fired and replaced, all my friends stopped talking to me, and I was basically alone. I know some stuff happened where basically my parents through a party for my sister and had me basically being a servant for everyone before everyone there all started to slowly treat me worse. Things like verbal and physical abuse with comments about my looks, how I'm still single and always will be, more about how I am a waste of everything, and eventually it came to a point where one of those old hangman style things was brought out. I was ordered to climb up and as everyone I knew cheered as I climbed I wept asking for anyone to let me stop but nobody did and eventually after tying the noose around my neck and pulling the lever to let myself drop I got a last glance as the world blurred and I fell to the cheers of the party goers that I was finally gone and their disappointment was finally over.

I don't imagine most of the people I know would be that ecstatic about me going but I imagine it'd be a footnote to most for a day. The thing is the parts I remember really hurt and I've just been in a funk all day with having these thoughts.