The world will be a worse place without you in it.

Thanks for the comment but I'm not particularly concerned about that. It's a big world.

Big yes. But every little bit if good is irreplaceable, as small as it may seem.

Please don't give up! PLEASE DON'T!

Pretty sure it's okay to give up.

Thanks for your comment, it's just that I gave up quite a long time ago.

if you fail, you must get up, you must not let the darkness consume you.

Please don't do that.
I know how you feel, really, about not being a dragon, I feel the same.
Please let's talk when you feel better. And please don't kill yourself.

I'm sorry that you feel that way. I'll get in touch when things pick up for me.

All the lub for joo~<3

Zig, thank you for sharing this with us. I know that you're in a lot of pain, and not just from the physical symptoms of fatigue you've been having to deal with. I don't know what it's like to have such major depression for so long, but I'm glad to hear that you're already seeking medical attention and therapy for it. I don't think that science will offer any of us a way to transform into the form we feel inside anytime soon, but maybe there are other ways to express this feeling? Try thinking about your writing, about the worlds you can create in your mind. I still want to know more about the universe where Mirabilis comes from! And there are video games too where a dragon is a playable character, more now than there were a decade ago. Sometimes the only way to express some of our desires is through fantasy, and that isn't fair, but it's what we've got right now.

Thanks for commenting Shalion, I really do appreciate it. That stuff is not enough for me, though. I need to have hope :/

Dear Zig
I can't relate to what you're going through, so I merely beg you not to end your life. Life is a struggle, for you more than many, but death is not something you can ever come back from. And while you may sometimes feel your life isn't worth anything, I can tell you, there's plenty of us who fiercely disagree!

Thanks for your reply Matt. Honestly, not coming back from it is part of the appeal.

It's devastating to see that despite having had it for years, you still aren't given the medical support you need, exacerbating your depression. Hate seeing good, passionate artists and writers be let down like that, you certainly deserve better!

Thank you for finding the courage to get in touch with your audience to give this important update! Especially when you are under so much stress and duress at the time; and it is outstanding that you've sought and found professional mental health counsel, it would have been so much easlier to sink into lethargy instead.

I trust you to make the best decision for yourself, but I'd like to offer some anecdotal reference point: I have a couple of friends who have at times contemplated suicide, and luckily they're still around, and are doing alright; they're still struggling with various problems -- life is hard right now, and always has been for many people -- but there are small joys to make up for it, many of those painful struggles are meaningful. I myself have been close to walking out into the woods at one point, and again, there's tons of reasons for discontent for me even despite my many privileges.

I don't believe in afterlife, and can't help but measure everything in terms of my living experience, so no matter how garbage my life gets, oblivion just doesn't feel like a better alternative, or any alternative to what little we have. I will admit that when things get really bad, you start grasping for some sort of an "I've had enough, damnit!" emergency stop lever, and suicide feels just like what you need, but that feeling usually goes away. Can't judge your situation, though; it may really be something utterly unbearable.

Could you tell me what is it about being a dragon that you're missing the most? Is it having a robust body, being powerful, feared and respected, being able to protect and help smaller people, being independent of civilization and self-sufficient enough to affort wilderness solitude, having the freedom of self-powered flight with the amazing new perspective it gives, being or being capable of working magic? Personally, I've been growing more and more jealous of birds and their effortless and graceful flight over the years.

Wanted to comment on that commissioned picture with the cage, portraying this disparity between your human and dragon self-image, but as usual hadn't been able to find the time for it. It's a great picture; really heartbreaking, knowing how much it matters to you.

Thank you for your reply. I don't really feel like I've been let down, to be honest. I have had access to numerous psychological therapies over the years, and I have tried about a dozen different medications over the same period. There isn't really anything else that they can offer.

I don't believe in an afterlife, either. As far as I know, being dead is just like what it was like before I was born, which is to say 'nothing'. That is quite appealing when you have spent more of your years depressed than not.

I really don't think that I can explain well enough in a comment. Some of those things are appealing, but I'm not particularly interested in power. Freedom and self-sufficiency are appealing, but also the idea of being this alien creature with my own 'culture', peculiarities, quirks, or whatever, and just being able to live like that.

My apologies, the medical workers who've helped you over the years are not at fault, and I'm glad you've been able to make use of their services. Adjusting the brain and body chemistry levels for those behavioral issues that can't be helped with deliberate effort, and suggesting lifestyle changes for the rest can help get a person back on their feet, of course. But there does need to be a failsafe in place for when none of those approaches work for someone, I believe.

Maybe the issue with the conventional psychiatric therapy practices is their focus on reintegrating a person into larger society (workplace discipline, easy communication, maintaining relationships etc.), urging cultural minority and introverted people to change to accommodate the prevalent social norms, instead of meeting them on their terms; there are many dangers to people living on the fringe that are too specific for mainstream advice and solutions. I hope the therapists you've been seeing belong to the newer generation of psychiatric professionals who've had some training, or even personal experience, with subcultures and rare identities.

It's a good way of putting, the way you've summarized the existential process, with one caveat: not having been born yet, you weren't "you" yet, there was no zero-point personhood before your birth and development, and now, having been "you" for a while, having acquired that living experience and sensory framework, you have so much more to lose than when there was no "you". It is diffiuclt to appreciate through all the suffering, of course.

Thank you for making an attempt to explain your relationship with dragonkind! I didn't expect you to share something so intimate with a stranger, but I appreciate a chance to get to know you a little better. Having an entire alternative civilization to affirm your personality sounds very alluring, indeed. You did mention that you've wished for a way to change into a dragon -- that would suggest that the dragon culture you have to come from you, unless becoming a dragon would also give you a way of reaching out to some dragons existing somewhere out there. From what I've picked up from your stories, Mirablis is also a one-of-a-kind dragon demigod, sort of stranded in an alien world, isn't he?

I'm also curious if you would agree to living out a life as a dragon among an industrial society of other dragons that's basically a mirror image of the Earth human civilization, just scaled up for size, but otherwise having the same political clashes, environmental concerns, resource distribution issues, millions of alienated dragons trudging and gliding to work every morning, always discontent, denied proper rest, mental stimulation, emotonal support, and compensation for their labor, lamenting years and money squandered on inappicable education, and on their hatchlings paying the elders no respect. Or do you envision a draconic society as being fundamentally better than that of humans, or organized too differently for comparison?

Thank you for your time!

They are understanding and are trying to work around these unique issues. I'm not sure that there is a failsafe, but I guess esketamine might be on the market soon.

I'm not sure that I would say that an alternate civilization is to affirm my personality. I'd actually rather that my personality changed to be more like Mirabilis, even if he is still technically me. Mirabilis is not stranded in that story, really, he was just chasing down a creature that had been harassing him at the time. There are other dragons like him, but he has his unique quirks and powers. It's worth mentioning that the Mirabilis in those stories is pure fantasy. He has an incredibly stressful life that I wouldn't wish on myself, but it's fun to write stories about it.

Regarding the mirror society, I'd say no. The only advantage would be that I'd look like a dragon, but it's not very appealing if they're just exactly the same as humans. I don't imagine them being 'better', just different. Fewer dragons, different quirks, culture, personalities. Not 'better', just different in how they live and interact.

Thank you for the answers! I really should read your stories, instead of making crude assumptions and inferences from what glimpses of it that I've seen.

And thank you for mentioning esketamine! I don't know much about antidepressants, but it is good to know that there are measures being developed for those resistant to conventional therapies/medication.

When I said that belonging to an alien civilization would affirm one's personality, I meant that there is a lot of allowance for cultural differences when different groups interface; humans would be much less accepting of another human exhibiting alient traits, than of something as fascinating and awesome as a dragon. A dragon would not need to justify themself to humans, or feel the need to be understood in terms familiar and convenient to them; a dragon would simply *be*. In sci-fi settings, sentient spaceships are sometimes presented this way.

I would agree that the concept of a one-among-billions, nobody dragon goes against the grain of everything dragons have every been conceived to be. It is a dream of seclusion without the loss of significance; a person who matters all alone.

It's none of my business, I don't know your financial capabilities and professional ties, and what your health will permit, but have you considered moving somewhere with less people? Like a semi-rural community with a sole convenience store for a hundred square miles, that routinely gets snowed up or flooded? As long as it will have some Internet connection, that may be a good choice for someone who appreciates dignified solitude.

And I've just noticed Temeraire mentioned in your profile! Ever since reading about that series on TV Tropes, I've been intrigued by the whole concept of placing dragons in Napoleonic times/the Age of Sail, but couldn't make myself to get ahold of any of those books. Is that story as good as its amazing premise suggests?

Oh, don't worry about it. I only have a few stories with Mirabilis in and the world and the backstory is barely explained. Most of it is in my head, tbh. Esketmine is very new here but currently only available in Scotland, and unfortunately, I'm 20 miles south of the border. I currently take three different antidepressants, all of a different class. I suppose they are working to some degree.

I think you're spot on with the dragons not needing to justify themselves, that's really part of the appeal I suppose. Sentient spaceships are a good comparison too :)

I guess I just prefer the idea of small numbers of dragons, perhaps living in isolated communities. I find the idea of living on such a crowded world difficult. I do actually live in a very rural area, at least for the UK, so there is that. Honestly, if I were a dragon I'd love to just live in a cave, but with an internet connection as you said haha.

The Temeraire books are great, they have some of my favourite depictions of dragons in fiction. However, imo the series outstays its welcome (9 books long) and the quality of storytelling is not always consistent. Regardless, I'd still highly recommend at least trying the first book :)

It looks like I've caused a bit of a "But doctor -- I *am* Pagliacci!" moment with my advice, sorry about that! The only way forward here would probably be to leave all shame behind, and go, "Well... maybe you could try moving to a bustling metropolis, then?" Does the place at least have some nice wilderness spots or a picturesque coastline? Or is it a windswept barren rock with a rusted chemical plant for its only feature?

I'm sorry that it's any technological hubs where the needed medication can be obtained, in any case. I hope it becomes available in your area soon.

Thank you for the guidance on the Naomi Novik's books! I'll definitely add the first book to my queue!

Please have faith. I know life can be difficult. Life may even seem pointless, at times.
But life's greatest purpose, I have found, is the joy we give to each other. The light within ourselves, that we share with those around us.
Please, do not extinguish that inner light, as so many others have.