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Story time!
3 years ago
TLDR: What happened since October and my plans for the coming months. AKA: "Mirri's head messed up everyting - part 69420"
I put writing this journal off for quite some time but here I go!
Those who've been following me for a while now, probably noticed that there was another break in my online activities, especially when it comes to keeping contacts activ. It's not the first time and after almost 40 years, I should know myself well enough to know that it won't be the last time.
My mental health has always been a problem for me and though I really learned to deal with my issues a lot better than when I started therapies, 14 years ago. It may sound cheesy but the furry fandom and especially furry conventions helped me to gain courage. I'd say that at least 80% of my contacts over the years have been nothing but positive and I really treasure those kind people that still put up with me.
To get back on topic, last autumn I started to notice symptoms of a more serious depression and so I started taking my medication again. It helped and got me through the pandemic-Christmas time in retail. Here in Germany, bookstores were excluded from most lockdown measures, which was good for our company but not the best thing for my mental health, especially since several employees left and were not replaced.
Thanks to my medication, I managed to keep the harmful voices out of my head but it also numbed any other emotions. It's hard to describe but it kinda felt like some weird, passive depression. I had no energy, no creativity and I lacked any interest in doing anything. I went to work and at home I spent my time sleeping or reading.... in bed.
I didn't have much social interactions outisde my job and even those few interactions decreased. It all felt way to exhausting.
By the end of the year, I realised that my desire to be alone had turned into social anxiety and that was a sign for me that I had to do something. So with the start of the new year, I reduced my medication and started to slowly start facing my problems that had been building up over the months. =/
I'm still not done, facing some of those unopened mails and I kinda hate myself for it because I know that I'm preventing myself from making progress. I think about them several times, every day....
Now that my creativity is slowly returning, I'd love to do more commission work again but I want to get those old requests out of the way first. It's not a long list, in fact it's laughably short, but I still feel like the worst person on earth just because I'm too afraid.
Anyways... enough whining!
I basically just wanted to let you know that I am working on solving my problems and I really hope to get it done rather sooner than later. Trust me, I really WANT to!
For this year, I didn't plan any conventions, since I don't really trust the current situation and cancelling events is always a stressful matter. So the only event I'm going to attend this year, is our LARP in September. *cough* We still have room for plenty of NPC and some players ;)
I really hope to see you guys at NFC and/or EF (maaaaybeeee Confuzzled too) next year.
So.... I guess that's it for now. There are some more positive things I'm working on but I'll talk about those when they're done.
If you read through all of this, please let me offer you a plate of purple cookies!
Thanks for reading about my mental desasters once again. Always the same but still kinda different :P
I put writing this journal off for quite some time but here I go!
Those who've been following me for a while now, probably noticed that there was another break in my online activities, especially when it comes to keeping contacts activ. It's not the first time and after almost 40 years, I should know myself well enough to know that it won't be the last time.
My mental health has always been a problem for me and though I really learned to deal with my issues a lot better than when I started therapies, 14 years ago. It may sound cheesy but the furry fandom and especially furry conventions helped me to gain courage. I'd say that at least 80% of my contacts over the years have been nothing but positive and I really treasure those kind people that still put up with me.
To get back on topic, last autumn I started to notice symptoms of a more serious depression and so I started taking my medication again. It helped and got me through the pandemic-Christmas time in retail. Here in Germany, bookstores were excluded from most lockdown measures, which was good for our company but not the best thing for my mental health, especially since several employees left and were not replaced.
Thanks to my medication, I managed to keep the harmful voices out of my head but it also numbed any other emotions. It's hard to describe but it kinda felt like some weird, passive depression. I had no energy, no creativity and I lacked any interest in doing anything. I went to work and at home I spent my time sleeping or reading.... in bed.
I didn't have much social interactions outisde my job and even those few interactions decreased. It all felt way to exhausting.
By the end of the year, I realised that my desire to be alone had turned into social anxiety and that was a sign for me that I had to do something. So with the start of the new year, I reduced my medication and started to slowly start facing my problems that had been building up over the months. =/
I'm still not done, facing some of those unopened mails and I kinda hate myself for it because I know that I'm preventing myself from making progress. I think about them several times, every day....
Now that my creativity is slowly returning, I'd love to do more commission work again but I want to get those old requests out of the way first. It's not a long list, in fact it's laughably short, but I still feel like the worst person on earth just because I'm too afraid.
Anyways... enough whining!
I basically just wanted to let you know that I am working on solving my problems and I really hope to get it done rather sooner than later. Trust me, I really WANT to!
For this year, I didn't plan any conventions, since I don't really trust the current situation and cancelling events is always a stressful matter. So the only event I'm going to attend this year, is our LARP in September. *cough* We still have room for plenty of NPC and some players ;)
I really hope to see you guys at NFC and/or EF (maaaaybeeee Confuzzled too) next year.
So.... I guess that's it for now. There are some more positive things I'm working on but I'll talk about those when they're done.
If you read through all of this, please let me offer you a plate of purple cookies!
Thanks for reading about my mental desasters once again. Always the same but still kinda different :P
Ich hab immer das Gefühl, dass ich nur am jammern bin, wenn ich hier etwas schreibe ^^; Außer wenn alles schief geht passiert nur leider nie was berichtenswertes in meinem Leben.
Aber insgesamt weiß ich, dass der Großteil meiner Probleme nur in meinem Kopf exitiert... doofe nur, wenn die Logik nicht gegen das Gefühl ankommt.
*hugs* Vielen Dank jedenfalls für die aufmunternden Worte!
And purple cookies can be pretty versatile ;) Sometimes they're hard enough to injure sombody ^^;
Danke für die bestärkenden Worte. Es ist und bleibt halt schwer, von seinen jahrelang erlernten Gewohnheiten abzuweichen.
Auch wenn die Umstände zwischenzeitlich nicht so schön sind, aber es ist trotzdem gut zu wissen wie es Dir geht, was gerade ansteht und wie es weiter geht.
Auch das gehört alles dazu, nicht nur Kekse und Sonnenschein.
Kekse sind trotzdem toll, vor allem lilane! *nom*
Pass auf dich auf, Lieblingslöwin und komm. wieder auf die Pfoten!
Ich hoffe ja, dass es bald wieder mehr positive Dinge zu berichten gibt. Demnächst mache ich ja zum ersten mal seit....öh.... äh.... etlichen Jahren mal eine Woche Urlaub, ganz ohne Arbeit und alles. Mal sehen, ob mir das hilft, wieder etwas ins Gleichgewicht zu kommen.
Auf jeden Fall danke ich dir für die aufmunternden Worte! <3
Und dass mir das kleine Bärchen nicht zu viele Kekse isst, eher es ins Bettchen muss ;)
Bei den Keksen kann ich aber leider keine Versprechungen machen. *nom*
Außerdem will Sammy auch Kekse ^^'
Das sind zwei Dinge die sich da wohl gegenseitig böse selbst verstärken können und die Medikamente helfen nur bei einer Sache. Soziale Phobie ist auch so etwas gemeines, weil diese dir dann noch vieles raubt, was wichtig sein kann um sich mit der Depression zu arrangieren. Ich sollte hierzu aber lieber nichts weiter schreiben, da das alles etwas ist, was ich nicht aus eingener Erfahrung beurteilen kann.
Keine Con zu planen um sich dann die Absagen zu ersparen ist ein guter Plan auch wenn es dich dann wieder um ein Jahr Sozialen Kontakt zurück wirft, den ich glaube so eine große Con gibt dir auch Kraft zurück.
Verfolge deine Pläne und zeige und dann stolz das Ergebnis.
Danke für die lila Kekse, schiebt dir dafür eine Tafel dunkel Schokolade zu, macht glücklich.
Auch wenn es recht spät kam bin ich ja froh darüber, dass ich noch gemerkt habe, dass manche Dinge schlimmer werden und immerhin noch drauf reagieren konnte. Dauert nu halt etwas länger, wieder auf die gerade Bahn zu kommen aber immerhin bin ich nicht komplett in den Graben geschliddert.
Solange ich mich auf die Tage im Wald freuen kann, habe ich auf jeden Fall etwas sehr wichtiges, an dem ich mich in schweren Zeiten festhalten kann. Immer kleine Inseln bauen auf die man zusteuern kann.
Danke für die Schokolade und die lieben Worte! ^_^
Die schönen Dinge nimmt man meistens eher nicht wahr, sie sind einfach da. Bei dir ist es noch wichtiger das du diese immer wieder siehst, denn sie erleuchten deine Finsternis, in die dich die schlechten Gedanken ziehen.
Zum Glück bist du ein aufmerksamer Beobachter deiner Selbst geworden und hast rechtzeitig erkannt, das der Graben näher kommt, tapfere lila Löwin.
Ich drücke dir die Pfoten das du diese Tage dort im Wald verbringen wirst, damit du dort viel Kraft schöpfen kannst. Ein Ziel zu haben auf das man sich freut, kann viele kleine Inseln im Sumpf erschaffen, über die es dann einen Weg gibt.
Genieße deinen Urlaub, mache einfach Urlaub von deinen Sorgen, ich weiß das diese sehr zu dir gehören und es schwer ist diese einfach zurück zu lassen. Bin selber träger Kater, und komme fast nur über Zeitlinie in meinen persönlichen Projekten weiter.
Ich weiß, dass du das packen kannst. Ich feuer dich jeden Tag aus der Ferne an und bin auch offen, wenn du mal Dampf ablassen musst^^ Auch wenn ich es erst nach der Arbeit lese, ich bin immer für dich da :)
Positive Vibes gehen raus an dich, evil twin <3