Another silly little journal before bed. I am what I project, maybe I'm taking the advice wrong but, I talk about my depression too much. As close friends drift further apart from me, as I'm forgotten by some. As I feel like I'm, clingy or annoying, I feel like the choice to leave me behind is warranted. I all actuality I do feel alone, this pain of abandonment and self hatred... I'm, out of sight out of mind. Should I talk about what ails me or just hide it in the hopes that pain goes away? Terrified of being alone, terrified of the future, terrified of the choices I've made.

I just, dislike myself so much and wonder "are people just being nice to me?" I feel worthless, easily forgotten. I feel small and defeated. Beaten and bruised. I just want to hide, hide in a corner and not think, not move, or just sleep.

Whenever I visit someone, or hang out with someone I always if it was fun, cause I can't trust that I am enjoyable to be around, and I don't know if the "Yes" I get in response is genuine. My brother has his girlfriend that he lives with and friends across the street from to lean on. Right now, I don't know if I can do that, I've done it so much that it feels like a broken record. "You can tell me anything" Can I? Will I not push you away with my poor me talks? Do I deserve to have an ear to listen?

Truly, what the hell is wrong with me?