I have to learn what is going on in my mind. My father is dying, my mom is emotional, I feel, strangely lonely and I don't exactly know why. I still cannot navigate my emotions, after 2 decades this pain and understanding it have become no easier. I want to be there for people but, I am ill equipped. I feel like my closest friends don't confide in me any more, I feel isolated, and I desperately want to know why. I want to be able to pull apart these layers and learn what is wrong, learn how to describe it, feel like less of a psychopath. I want to regain that closeness that I once felt with some of my closest friends, feel important and needed. I feel like I lost cause, a bad friend, not worth anyone's time. I deflect and say "I'm just an average lavender wolf" cause that's how I see myself. When I'm brought in conversation or even thought about to some small extent I feel happy.

Am I easy to forget? I feel like I am, I feel like my impact is minimal. I just want to know why, why am I like this? Why did my life turn to this? In the end I just keep walking on an endless road with no real destination, no place to rest.