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For whomever it may concern...
3 years ago
General
Hello, it's been a long time since I made one of these.
But I feel like I need to let things out of my chest, so here it goes.
I've made a lot of questionable actions, said a lot of questionable things in the past decade and a half in the community, granted I've changed in some aspects, and in some I still need work. I've crossed people, I've taken things for granted, I've ruined relationships and friendships, I've divided communities before... I've done a lot of things I regret, and to this day, it still haunts me. Every. Waking. Hour.
But it doesn't help the fact that some people have left those circles of mine without telling me what's going on, only left clues of what is going on with me yet ghost me or leave me without saying anything and remove me from their social circles without any explanation.
This stuff hurts me on a psychological and emotional level, because I have had trust issues with people. I aim to change that but it helps knowing what I did. I want to be better. I really do.
I've been struggling to be a better person the last 4 years since I took a change of mind, I've been trying to make amends for stuff I did in the past. But I get that some people don't want to see me be a miserable person and hurting myself so they distance thsemlves from me. I can understand the dilema it carries.
But I'm not doing good mentally and emotionally, as of late. It is making me feel less and less of myself. And it is ironic that this is being said on the Ides of March. I feel like Julius Caesar and I'm waiting to see who is Brutus in this instance. Paranoia and atychiphobia is crawling up in a not so good way. I've tried to help people to show they can change, and in the end I've only ended up hurting myself.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm extremely demoralized and extremely discouraged to do anything anymore. I've been trying to get on medication to help with my ADHD and it doesn't work. I've been trying to get social cues to be better at socializing but I'm socializing a lot less than I used to. I can't even stay focused on doing things for the community without distracting myself with silly stuff.
I'm broken. And I don't expect people to sympathize, and I'm not asking for any of it. I'm just broken and lost, clueless. Close friends of mine give me advice and I just go over it, it's like I'm perpetually hurting myself because I think I deserve it.
I really, really appreciate everyone who's been there for me. Even those who have left due to my own demise and have tried to help me. I will never forget those who have been guiding me and giving me their best and making my life just a little more bearable to live with.
My life of controversies and moral grey areas has dissipated and I just want to get along with everyone at this point. I don't care about drama anymore, and I definitely don't care about what people do at this point. I'm just going to be extremely neutral to everything and take no sides and be indifferent about everything... because every time I do I just end up in a divide and it makes me extremely uncomfortable and conflicted.
I want to apologize to everyone I've made uncomfortable and unhappy. Just know I never meant any of it and that I've a long way to improve myself. Socially, I am inept. And I have no clue how to maintain healthy relationships.
I am going to just leave alone the people that have decided to leave me to my own devices, I respect their choices, and I will allow them to reconnect with me on their own pace and volition. Moving on is all I can do, and I wish them the best.
It would be very difficult for me to put all the events I remember in one journal post... But all I can say is: I was a bad egg once, I still think I am a bad egg no matter how many times people tell me otherwise, but that's my low self-esteem talking... I'm just glad I've had friends and people come and show me how wrong I am most of the time, without them I wouldn't have made it this far. I have considered just taking a leave of absence from everything, but I'm afraid of leaving everything and be left even more alone.
So I really, really appreciate all you all have done for me, even if I had wronged you I still appreciate you, and if I have offended you, I do truly apologize and hope you can forgive me, though I can understand and respect if you cannot or will not.
If I'm not being very clear in this journal it's because I'm pouring out sentence after sentence on how I feel, and it's disorganized. So I apologize for that. I
Thank you for taking the time to hear me babble about myself.
But I feel like I need to let things out of my chest, so here it goes.
I've made a lot of questionable actions, said a lot of questionable things in the past decade and a half in the community, granted I've changed in some aspects, and in some I still need work. I've crossed people, I've taken things for granted, I've ruined relationships and friendships, I've divided communities before... I've done a lot of things I regret, and to this day, it still haunts me. Every. Waking. Hour.
But it doesn't help the fact that some people have left those circles of mine without telling me what's going on, only left clues of what is going on with me yet ghost me or leave me without saying anything and remove me from their social circles without any explanation.
This stuff hurts me on a psychological and emotional level, because I have had trust issues with people. I aim to change that but it helps knowing what I did. I want to be better. I really do.
I've been struggling to be a better person the last 4 years since I took a change of mind, I've been trying to make amends for stuff I did in the past. But I get that some people don't want to see me be a miserable person and hurting myself so they distance thsemlves from me. I can understand the dilema it carries.
But I'm not doing good mentally and emotionally, as of late. It is making me feel less and less of myself. And it is ironic that this is being said on the Ides of March. I feel like Julius Caesar and I'm waiting to see who is Brutus in this instance. Paranoia and atychiphobia is crawling up in a not so good way. I've tried to help people to show they can change, and in the end I've only ended up hurting myself.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm extremely demoralized and extremely discouraged to do anything anymore. I've been trying to get on medication to help with my ADHD and it doesn't work. I've been trying to get social cues to be better at socializing but I'm socializing a lot less than I used to. I can't even stay focused on doing things for the community without distracting myself with silly stuff.
I'm broken. And I don't expect people to sympathize, and I'm not asking for any of it. I'm just broken and lost, clueless. Close friends of mine give me advice and I just go over it, it's like I'm perpetually hurting myself because I think I deserve it.
I really, really appreciate everyone who's been there for me. Even those who have left due to my own demise and have tried to help me. I will never forget those who have been guiding me and giving me their best and making my life just a little more bearable to live with.
My life of controversies and moral grey areas has dissipated and I just want to get along with everyone at this point. I don't care about drama anymore, and I definitely don't care about what people do at this point. I'm just going to be extremely neutral to everything and take no sides and be indifferent about everything... because every time I do I just end up in a divide and it makes me extremely uncomfortable and conflicted.
I want to apologize to everyone I've made uncomfortable and unhappy. Just know I never meant any of it and that I've a long way to improve myself. Socially, I am inept. And I have no clue how to maintain healthy relationships.
I am going to just leave alone the people that have decided to leave me to my own devices, I respect their choices, and I will allow them to reconnect with me on their own pace and volition. Moving on is all I can do, and I wish them the best.
It would be very difficult for me to put all the events I remember in one journal post... But all I can say is: I was a bad egg once, I still think I am a bad egg no matter how many times people tell me otherwise, but that's my low self-esteem talking... I'm just glad I've had friends and people come and show me how wrong I am most of the time, without them I wouldn't have made it this far. I have considered just taking a leave of absence from everything, but I'm afraid of leaving everything and be left even more alone.
So I really, really appreciate all you all have done for me, even if I had wronged you I still appreciate you, and if I have offended you, I do truly apologize and hope you can forgive me, though I can understand and respect if you cannot or will not.
If I'm not being very clear in this journal it's because I'm pouring out sentence after sentence on how I feel, and it's disorganized. So I apologize for that. I
Thank you for taking the time to hear me babble about myself.
I've also had friendship ended in the process, with betrayals and abuse.
I question many friends I have even now.
But I know one thing, you have empathy. You never seek to hurt anyone. You never attacked me.
I want to thank you for that. Despite all that's going on, I can tell you you have a lot of good qualities.
It is my wish to never lose you.
I'm sorry to hear things have been so difficult for you lately. I appreciate you writing your thoughts out, as otherwise I would not have known the poor state of your mental health. It's important for me to know when my friends are not doing so well. I know you and I have had more than our fair share of disagreements and scuffles, but those aren't important in this moment; you seem more than well aware or your room for improvement, and god knows each one of us has something to work on.
You have a great skill in looking past the faults of others and identifying the good that lay behind the shades of grey. It is IMPORTANT to recognize those things, as too many people will choose to see only black where therein lives the white.
I don't know what I expected when I opened this journal, but I'm glad that I found an expression of thankfulness and appreciation. That spoke louder than any wrong you might have done to me, as it shows how much you truly care for those around you. I appreciate the ways in which you appreciate me, even if you don't have the words to say it directly - it helps me recognize the ways that I've been helpful to you, and makes be feel valued for the positive impacts I've had in your life.
I also appreciate the strength of your desire for friendship. You had no reason to invite me back into your social circles after what I've said and done to you, and yet you had the courage to rebuild and to ask. Having been through two of your communities, I don't think I could be the person I am, or have the sense of identity I do without you having been there, chasing your dreams and the things that make you happy. By tackling those ambitions, you created the space that makes me happy.
Folks like you and I, who have our sense of empathy, are vulnerable. Our greatest strength is also our greatest weakness. But the more we know about ourselves and the way we interact with others, the better we can account for those weaknesses, and the stronger we will become as individuals. You are doing better at this than you know.
I haven't been my best lately either, and I can only imagine how it must feel to be in your place right now. But as we speak and reflect, there is growth, and a steady grade of improvement, even if unrecognizable at times. Whatever you choose to do yourself, or however much distance you need to take, you have my blessing and I hope that it does good things for you. I know that you are taking care of yourself, and that is far more important than being there for others - for if you can't rescue yourself, then there is no medium through which to help those others.
I hope you feel better soon, and I thank you for being my friend.