Meanwhile as I unload my thoughts into FA journals as if it matters too much. I sit here and think, too much, far too much. When my friends are in a great place, things are going well for them, I'm so proud of them, happy that they're in a good place. I then keep my mouth shut about my life, the train wreck currently happening, I keep it to myself. I don't want to bring them down, unload my life on to them, I'd rather they stay happy, after all, what could they do? Hypothetically if I talked about my issues, would anything change? No, it will not, I finally have options to move and advance, but my mom did a "You can't leave me" and my dumb ass took it and feels bad for even CONSIDERING moving and helping myself, my father is dying with quickly diminishing hope, I feel lonely and anxious, unable to truly establish my self as worth a damn.

Not a damn thing will change, I'll just suck it up, pretend to be fine, that's my only REAL option. My life issues and everything surrounding it are too much of a burden, yeah, I have trust issues and expect my best friends to eventually leave me behind, but occasionally a lightbulb flicks on and I'm like "Oh yeah, maybe it's me? Maybe I pushed them away? Maybe I deserve to be treated like this?" I do, I really do deserve this, I made this bed, now I'm going to lay in it... Just, be happy, I want my friends to be happy...