I asked myself "what would make you happy?" And not in a uplift mood temporarily kind of way something that would be a a cherished memory.

I couldn't think of one single thing. I've been so focused on having a family and convinced that would bring me happiness that I honestly don't know anything else that would make me happy.

Honestly a family was the last dream i had that i hadn't given up on. But now its just in the trash pile of dreams that i no longer even have a hope for. There with being a chef, writing a mythological bestiary, owning my own restaurant and being a blacksmith.

Not to say i don't enjoy things. I enjoy chatting with my friends, swimming, cooking, reading, video games, being of service to others but none of these make me happy.

Been trying to not be so self toxic lately but that's just been mostly bottling it so i don't upset my friends with my bad moods.

I don't know how ima going to fix this. Its pretty ingrained into my personality at this point.

Tl;dr

Midlife crisis maybe