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Reguarding my past.
3 years ago
General
Been a while since I've wrote anything here. Well, anything more than random ranting.
Wanted to write this since a friend of mine is going through something similar.
I've been very open about sharing this experience and what I've done in the past with those that have/are worried that it's happening to them and those who have/are doing it to others. It is no secret and never should be a secret. This sort of experience should be open for all ears and eyes so that no one else makes/goes through the same mistake.
I fucked up when I was younger and it's my hope that telling others that are in the process of experiencing the same fuckup can quickly figure shit out and spare themselves and others the pain.
I'll keep my story as short as I can, since I know most people dont care.
A long time ago, I got into playing video games like Diablo II. I was prob around 13-14? From chatting with others in lobbies and in the actual game, I realized that if I pretended to be someone I wasnt and said I was older than I was I would suddenly have people who liked me, would add me as a friend, give me free stuff and want to be close to me. At the time, I didnt see anything wrong with it. I wanted to fit in with others and be liked by others. I figured that since these random online people suddenly wanted to be my friend because they found out I was a girl, they'd want to be my friend even more if I made myself even more desirable.
This quickly began to spiral out of control.
Lies ontop of lies, using pictures of my older sister to try to give 'proof' that I was who I said I was.
Making claims and excuses for all sorts of things.
Getting people interested in relationships for long periods of time with me whom thought I was telling the truth.
It was a mess.
I was a mess.
I still feel like a mess.
It was around when I turned 18 or 19, everything suddenly slapped me in the face. The reality of what I was doing. My conscience hit me like a truck.
I had been leading people on for long periods of time, even multiple at a time! I had been their 'online girlfriend' and holding them back from finding an actual real person while they were 'dating' me.
They shared so much of themselves with me, someone who wasnt even telling them the truth. They had dropped so much for me... and here I was lying to their face just so I could feel like I was liked and special.
Sure, I felt like I was being liked and special, but at what cost? What about THEM?
It hit me very hard. I was in a 'relationship' at the time that this happened and I broke down. I knew I had to break it to them. I had to stop this.
I'm glad that I did come out clean to them and the other people that I had lead on in the past, but even though I had, it would never fix what I had done.
I had taken up a good part of their life, gifts and their trust when I did not deserve it. No amount of apologizing and coming clean will ever fix this. The damage is done. I can't fix it.
It's been a long time since all of this happened. Since the day I came clean to the people who I wronged so badly, I've made it a rule that I will forever be more truthful about myself. There isnt any reason to lie about who I am. If someone doesnt like who I am, that sucks and I'll be sad but that's how life is and there's nothing you can do about it. I'd rather be truthful and have the world hate me than to lie to someone and ruin their life just for the sake of my own personal gain/happiness.
I've also made it a bit of a mission to speak up when ever I see the same thing happening to other people.. Whether it is happening to them or if they are doing it to someone else. I want others who are going through this sort of thing to see the other side.. From someone who has done it themselves and think about it a little bit more deeply. How it effects themselves and the other parties involved. How lives can be destroyed so quickly from a little lie that could have been avoided if the truth was told. The importance of being truthful about who you are and accepting that you are who you are.
Would I like to be someone else? Someone as beautiful as my sister? Of course I would! But I'm not. And that is okay. I have a loving partner who loves who I am, despite knowing the things I have done in the past and I have a pretty decent life, despite all the hardships, struggling, anxiety and self hatred. Just because I am not happy with myself doesnt mean I get to ruin someone else's life by making them think they're talking to the perfect person. People deserve to know the truth. No one should have to go through 'locking' themselves in a relationship and push away all potential partners they meet because they are currently online dating this perfect person... When in reality the perfect person is just made up.
I am sorry to anyone who was effected. I know you've already heard my apologies when I came clean to you. I only hope that you were able to move on with your life and find someone who was truthful. You were wonderful and deserved the best, which I 100% admit that I was not. I was disgusting and awful. I can never make it up to you. This will haunt me until the day I die, as it should. There is no reason for anyone to ruin someone else's life and trust in the way I did. Again, I do not expect you to forgive me and I am not asking for it. I would never ask for it. I don't deserve it. But I am sorry either way.
For those on the outside who were also effected but I was not aware, I am sorry. Nothing I can ever say or do will fix it and I know that. But I am still sorry to have put you through the stupid, cringy bullshit that I was putting out when I was younger.
For those who dont know WTF is going on, that's okay. The message here is that I fucked up big time in the past. It is never okay to lead anyone on. Do not lie about who you are. Accept and embrace yourself, even if you have flaws. We all have flaws. It's fine. Be who you are and you will find happiness, even if it doesnt seem like anyone could ever like you. That's not true. People can and will like you, but only if you are truthful to them and yourself.
If you are Catfishing someone (whether or not you consider what you are doing to fall under the term)... Stop. Think for a moment. What are you actually doing? Are you okay with destroying someone else's life like that? Is that really okay? Can you live with yourself knowing that you ruined someone else's life? If you really wanted them to be close with you, why would you put them through that? Is it really fair? Why does your happiness matter more than this other persons? What have they given up for you? Is it fair to have them keep giving up everything, including their actual life, just for someone who is lying to them? Isn't their life important?
If you think you are being Catfished and/or your friends suspect that you are being Catfished... Dont be afraid to demand a little more. Your online GF/BF can never send you pics? Why? Cameras are everywhere, even in the shittiest of phones. Why cant they webcam/facetime with you just for a second at all, ever? Why do they keep making excuses as to why they cant meet up with you? Some times there are good answers for visiting issues... But is it always an excuse? It's nothing to be ashamed about if you want to know more information. Maybe they have actual good reasons for some of the things that seem shady.. But if they DO have good reasons, then they likely would be happy to find alternatives or be open to help with those issues. Things they say/excuses they make arent lining up? Dont think it's a huge issue to want some clarity. If they get mad because you want a picture of their pretty face from TODAY, then there's an issue. I know it sucks if you feel like you really love them.. But just remember, you are important too. You deserve a REAL person. There are so many people out there who either A. Dont care about others and only live for themselves even at the expense of other people or B. dont realize the extent of what they are doing. If it's B, then hopefully they realize really soon.
But yeah. I've been sharing this story for a while now but after talking to someone who is currently dealing with something similar right now, I realized I never really made what happened public on FA. I am hopeful that my friend can get through this as I know that it is not fun to have to go through anything of this sort. I can feel the suffering she's going through. Being Catfished is awful. The hurt is real. No one should be out there doing it, and thats why I share this story from when I did it.
Please, if you're doing this to someone.. Please, stop and think. Even if its just for a second. A lie can be so damaging. It's good to think of yourself... But also important to think of others. Don't be scared to stop. Even if you JUST STOP all contact (which I don't think is the right answer, I think you should come out first and let the person know the truth), it would be better the continuing on with the awful lies that do nothing but hurt. Just take a moment to think about what you're doing. There is no reason to cause so much pain.
You are more than welcome to judge me for my past crime and I 100% would not blame anyone. I did an awful thing and I deserve the hate for what I did.
Judge and crucify me. I will accept it because I agree. I am not begging for people to forgive me. I do not want what I do not deserve.
Just know that I am sorry and I think about it every day of my life, even though that part of my life is long gone. I think of the people who I wronged and it disgusts me. I can never make it up to them and I can never fix it.
All I can do is try to help others understand the effects this sort of thing has so that hopefully it wont happen to anyone else.
Wanted to write this since a friend of mine is going through something similar.
I've been very open about sharing this experience and what I've done in the past with those that have/are worried that it's happening to them and those who have/are doing it to others. It is no secret and never should be a secret. This sort of experience should be open for all ears and eyes so that no one else makes/goes through the same mistake.
I fucked up when I was younger and it's my hope that telling others that are in the process of experiencing the same fuckup can quickly figure shit out and spare themselves and others the pain.
I'll keep my story as short as I can, since I know most people dont care.
A long time ago, I got into playing video games like Diablo II. I was prob around 13-14? From chatting with others in lobbies and in the actual game, I realized that if I pretended to be someone I wasnt and said I was older than I was I would suddenly have people who liked me, would add me as a friend, give me free stuff and want to be close to me. At the time, I didnt see anything wrong with it. I wanted to fit in with others and be liked by others. I figured that since these random online people suddenly wanted to be my friend because they found out I was a girl, they'd want to be my friend even more if I made myself even more desirable.
This quickly began to spiral out of control.
Lies ontop of lies, using pictures of my older sister to try to give 'proof' that I was who I said I was.
Making claims and excuses for all sorts of things.
Getting people interested in relationships for long periods of time with me whom thought I was telling the truth.
It was a mess.
I was a mess.
I still feel like a mess.
It was around when I turned 18 or 19, everything suddenly slapped me in the face. The reality of what I was doing. My conscience hit me like a truck.
I had been leading people on for long periods of time, even multiple at a time! I had been their 'online girlfriend' and holding them back from finding an actual real person while they were 'dating' me.
They shared so much of themselves with me, someone who wasnt even telling them the truth. They had dropped so much for me... and here I was lying to their face just so I could feel like I was liked and special.
Sure, I felt like I was being liked and special, but at what cost? What about THEM?
It hit me very hard. I was in a 'relationship' at the time that this happened and I broke down. I knew I had to break it to them. I had to stop this.
I'm glad that I did come out clean to them and the other people that I had lead on in the past, but even though I had, it would never fix what I had done.
I had taken up a good part of their life, gifts and their trust when I did not deserve it. No amount of apologizing and coming clean will ever fix this. The damage is done. I can't fix it.
It's been a long time since all of this happened. Since the day I came clean to the people who I wronged so badly, I've made it a rule that I will forever be more truthful about myself. There isnt any reason to lie about who I am. If someone doesnt like who I am, that sucks and I'll be sad but that's how life is and there's nothing you can do about it. I'd rather be truthful and have the world hate me than to lie to someone and ruin their life just for the sake of my own personal gain/happiness.
I've also made it a bit of a mission to speak up when ever I see the same thing happening to other people.. Whether it is happening to them or if they are doing it to someone else. I want others who are going through this sort of thing to see the other side.. From someone who has done it themselves and think about it a little bit more deeply. How it effects themselves and the other parties involved. How lives can be destroyed so quickly from a little lie that could have been avoided if the truth was told. The importance of being truthful about who you are and accepting that you are who you are.
Would I like to be someone else? Someone as beautiful as my sister? Of course I would! But I'm not. And that is okay. I have a loving partner who loves who I am, despite knowing the things I have done in the past and I have a pretty decent life, despite all the hardships, struggling, anxiety and self hatred. Just because I am not happy with myself doesnt mean I get to ruin someone else's life by making them think they're talking to the perfect person. People deserve to know the truth. No one should have to go through 'locking' themselves in a relationship and push away all potential partners they meet because they are currently online dating this perfect person... When in reality the perfect person is just made up.
I am sorry to anyone who was effected. I know you've already heard my apologies when I came clean to you. I only hope that you were able to move on with your life and find someone who was truthful. You were wonderful and deserved the best, which I 100% admit that I was not. I was disgusting and awful. I can never make it up to you. This will haunt me until the day I die, as it should. There is no reason for anyone to ruin someone else's life and trust in the way I did. Again, I do not expect you to forgive me and I am not asking for it. I would never ask for it. I don't deserve it. But I am sorry either way.
For those on the outside who were also effected but I was not aware, I am sorry. Nothing I can ever say or do will fix it and I know that. But I am still sorry to have put you through the stupid, cringy bullshit that I was putting out when I was younger.
For those who dont know WTF is going on, that's okay. The message here is that I fucked up big time in the past. It is never okay to lead anyone on. Do not lie about who you are. Accept and embrace yourself, even if you have flaws. We all have flaws. It's fine. Be who you are and you will find happiness, even if it doesnt seem like anyone could ever like you. That's not true. People can and will like you, but only if you are truthful to them and yourself.
If you are Catfishing someone (whether or not you consider what you are doing to fall under the term)... Stop. Think for a moment. What are you actually doing? Are you okay with destroying someone else's life like that? Is that really okay? Can you live with yourself knowing that you ruined someone else's life? If you really wanted them to be close with you, why would you put them through that? Is it really fair? Why does your happiness matter more than this other persons? What have they given up for you? Is it fair to have them keep giving up everything, including their actual life, just for someone who is lying to them? Isn't their life important?
If you think you are being Catfished and/or your friends suspect that you are being Catfished... Dont be afraid to demand a little more. Your online GF/BF can never send you pics? Why? Cameras are everywhere, even in the shittiest of phones. Why cant they webcam/facetime with you just for a second at all, ever? Why do they keep making excuses as to why they cant meet up with you? Some times there are good answers for visiting issues... But is it always an excuse? It's nothing to be ashamed about if you want to know more information. Maybe they have actual good reasons for some of the things that seem shady.. But if they DO have good reasons, then they likely would be happy to find alternatives or be open to help with those issues. Things they say/excuses they make arent lining up? Dont think it's a huge issue to want some clarity. If they get mad because you want a picture of their pretty face from TODAY, then there's an issue. I know it sucks if you feel like you really love them.. But just remember, you are important too. You deserve a REAL person. There are so many people out there who either A. Dont care about others and only live for themselves even at the expense of other people or B. dont realize the extent of what they are doing. If it's B, then hopefully they realize really soon.
But yeah. I've been sharing this story for a while now but after talking to someone who is currently dealing with something similar right now, I realized I never really made what happened public on FA. I am hopeful that my friend can get through this as I know that it is not fun to have to go through anything of this sort. I can feel the suffering she's going through. Being Catfished is awful. The hurt is real. No one should be out there doing it, and thats why I share this story from when I did it.
Please, if you're doing this to someone.. Please, stop and think. Even if its just for a second. A lie can be so damaging. It's good to think of yourself... But also important to think of others. Don't be scared to stop. Even if you JUST STOP all contact (which I don't think is the right answer, I think you should come out first and let the person know the truth), it would be better the continuing on with the awful lies that do nothing but hurt. Just take a moment to think about what you're doing. There is no reason to cause so much pain.
You are more than welcome to judge me for my past crime and I 100% would not blame anyone. I did an awful thing and I deserve the hate for what I did.
Judge and crucify me. I will accept it because I agree. I am not begging for people to forgive me. I do not want what I do not deserve.
Just know that I am sorry and I think about it every day of my life, even though that part of my life is long gone. I think of the people who I wronged and it disgusts me. I can never make it up to them and I can never fix it.
All I can do is try to help others understand the effects this sort of thing has so that hopefully it wont happen to anyone else.
You have taught me so much about facing the past and working through it. You are a good person, a great person even. An amazing friend and somebody who cares SO much about the others around you. You make a great deal to ensure everybody around you is comfortable and safe. I'm so grateful to have met you and developed the friendship we have today, and I hope we can continue to grow and leave the past behind us. Without you in my life, I probably woudn't be where I am right now, and I hope that this journal receives the desired effect on other people who might need to hear the same thing.