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Peace of mind for a piece of mind
3 years ago
General
...How do I even begin a journal like this...
I have been in a deep depression for the last several years. I realized when I just couldn't seem to do anything, no matter how much I tried. I looked it up and discovered I was in a depression worse than usual. I didn't even know it existed. I tried doing what I could to get rid of it, and nothing seemed to work. It's been only within the last few months I think that it really feels as though I'm finally reaching the top and about to climb out of it. I had to do all the climbing myself, I had no help. When I tried to get help, no one cared. I've been searching up many things to try and help myself and my situation, and as such have learned many things. Like standing up for myself. Something I finally built the courage to do years ago, only to have it immediately backfire upon me.
What happened?
People happened. Jobs happened. Life happened. Death almost happened...
The people that I trusted the most and cared for more than others threw me under the bus with no remorse. When everyone wanted something, whether it was my time or money or what I could make, or even my body, that's all most people seemed to care about. When I made them happy, irregardless of my own happiness, they were happy. Mostly. No matter what I did or said, they were never truly happy, but I guess things were good enough. But the few times I needed help or had a problem, no one was there. I couldn't get support for almost anything, but if anyone else needed anything, I was right there waiting. I had better been waiting, otherwise I wouldn't hear the end of it. I'd buy things for them, sometimes costing hundreds of dollars. I'd make stuff for them, sometimes taking me months. If they wanted sex, I'd role play as best I could with them, or bend over for them no problem. Digitally of course. No one's coming my way for real. I've already tried for many years. The closest I get is them asking for risque or naked pictures, I agree, then they bail. Assuming they haven't already bailed the second they see my face, which is what 90% of people do. If I get into contact again, they always refuse to delete them or pretend we don't know each other.
I don't mind spending money on people, or making stuff for people for free, and even the sexual stuff was fine within reason. I wasn't trying to guilt anyone or get into anyone's pants, I just wanted to make people happy. I just wanted to be a good friend and see my other friends smile. When it came to helping someone make a game, I just wanted to be part of a successful team and help the fandom get another game under their belt. What I did mind; however, was constantly being used by people. I didn't mind buying stuff for people or making them stuff, but I didn't like that they only came around when they wanted something. I didn't mind working on that game with the person, but they often lied and used me to make themselves look better for their Patreon subscribers. They had a very nasty attitude, and did almost no real work themselves. When things unsurprisingly fell through, they spent a long time trolling my profile. Almost longer than the time I worked for them. I worked for them for 18 months, didn't get a single penny, a GENUINE thank you, or even credit for my work. Prior to the job I have now, that was actually my longest time working for anyone.
I mentioned it wasn't just a few people.
I managed to find jobs, but they treated me unfairly. They purposefully kept me at 10 hours a week or below, would lower the amount of days I could work if I couldn't finish a ridiculous amount of work in a very unrealistic amount of time, wouldn't offer me the raise they promised everyone when I started, and even made or set up situations to get me written up. At one point, I was working 3 jobs, and still was barely making half of what the others in the house at the time were making. I explained my plan when I first moved up here, and asked directly if it was OK. They agreed, but I guess it was ignored. I had to start paying much more even though I could barely afford it. To be told something to your face only to have someone lie about it and betray you behind your back is a horrible thing. Speaking of which, I was tricked to come up to this state by my roommate. They lied about a lot of things. Eventually even started feeling me up and grabbing me against my will. Now I don't mind if they wanted to do sexual stuff, and they did ask, but most of the touching and a few gropes happened before I gave an answer. When I finally broke down and agreed, they ignored it even though they asked for it, but the grabbing continued. No matter how many times or how I said to stop, they continued, saying things like “No”, “I don't want to”, or “Why should I”. Those were their exact words. This continued almost every day, often multiple times a day, for about 3 and a half years until I had no choice but to get aggressive about it. I don't speak to many people, but I decided to speak to their mom when they kept prodding. I thought everything was going well, but it was just another lie. Another farce. They told them what I said in confidence to them, but gave their version as opposed to what was actually said. They used me to get closer to their child. While I understand it if there were bad feelings between them, it's a horrible thing to be used. It didn't make anything better, it only made it worse between me and them. Finally I went to talk to them since they don't make any real effort to. I talked about a few things, and I gave them the chance to come clean, but all I got were more half truths and false reactions. I'm not dumb, I knew for a long time what was really going on.
That's not all.
There are so many more things. So, so many more. About my current job, my past jobs, other friends, family, past life, etc. But I don't want to bring all of that up for reasons I'll get to later. But for the most part, I need it all to stop. I've been writing this journal for a couple of years. This journal went through literally dozens of drafts. The last time I thought I was going to finally post it was months ago, but it was over 102 pages long, and still wasn't done. I wanted to say everything in that one journal, but no one was going to read that. Not even close. Many people have a problem reading more than 2 or 3 sentences nowadays, and that's not an exaggeration. To be honest, I wasn't going to either. I decided a couple of hours ago to sit down and make another version. Just something quick so I can get it out of the way. And though it has only taken a couple of hours to write this, it represents years of emotion, soul searching, philosophy, and many other things that you probably won't see in just a mere few pages.
To be honest, I still don't fully know who or what I am.
Strange thing to say, I know. Though I do know a few things. I've always tried to be the kind of person that thinks about things. I want to understand thing, not hide them away from the world. I want to be a kind and helpful person, and I have tried to be. I make mistakes. I have lost my cool here and there, some of those times because people were trying to make me do it on purpose. They admitted as such. But I just want to be a simple person. To misunderstand me is fine, but to think of me as a mystery is actually strange to me when I do consider myself rather simple. I don't have a lot of confidence, which is why it took so long to make a journal before where I stood up for myself. Strange then that a “friend” made it seem as though I was always like... whatever they thought I was on a journal that took me years to gather the courage to make.
It all becomes a little too much.
To be unfairly treated at work to the point you can't make a living. To be lied to, tricked to do someone's bidding and interests, tricked to move all your belongings to them, felt up against your will, then used as the reason for their personality. To do everything you can to be a friend to someone, even spending hundreds on their interests, and even being used as a sex toy when they feel horny, only to be dropped the instant they get bored or get the wrong idea about you. To work for months and years bringing someone else's dream to life, while they sit in the back and yell at you and treat you like less than a person. To make free things for people for months, and even be led on by them, only to be left in the dust to realize how they really feel about you as they walk out on you the instant they get what they want. To do everything you could think of to please a person who claims to be interested in you, only to be lied about assaulting them so they could get more clout to people who were already sycophants to them. To be tossed aside by some of your family members despite doing all you could to make things better. And so much more.
It's too much.
A person can only take so much.
Especially if you're the kind of person who doesn't want to make a scene and holds it all in.
What happens to that container of yours? It will burst eventually.
I think mine burst the day I posted a journal trying to stand up for myself, and my “friends and acquaintances” came out of the woodwork to push me into the dirt and throw me under the bus.
It was some of the worst emotion pain I've ever felt.
I got up one day, the next I think, tried to brush it off and make some content, and... couldn't.
I couldn't seem to do anything. All of my motivation was gone. Sleep got worse. Food lost its taste.
I had no interest in anything anymore. All I could see was the negative in stuff.
My trust for people had evaporated. My care for anything was hanging on threads.
It's not just an emotional outcry.
It's so much worse. It affects your physical, emotional, and mental health. I tried to do everything to get back into the swing of thing, to figure out what was wrong with me, to just ignore the bad and try and reconnect with people, to try and talk with them and try and understand what was going on, etc.
Nothing.
No one cared. I was dumped by everyone, but then no one would tell me why. The couple of times someone said anything, it was always blatantly false.
I have been asking the question “what am I doing wrong” for close to 30 years now. No honest answer.
Nothing I tried to do seemed to work to make me feel better, or to get people to talk to me seriously. At some point, I had the option to get a dog. Now, I've always wanted a dog, so if I had the option I was going to get one anyway, but thinking about all of the stuff that happened, I wanted to show people that I wasn't a bad person and take care of something else to prove it. Again, I've always wanted a dog, but a small reason I got them was also for those people. That almost didn't even happen. Even though I was given permission, the person who said I was allowed tried to run out my time. I only had 2 weeks to get a dog. Finally on the last day, they got up to help me get them. If they had waited just 20 more minutes, I would never had my dog, and by extension, my daughter (other dog). But again, those people didn't care. When someone hurts you and runs away, they aren't coming back unless they want to hurt you more. To this day, not a single person has come to me to apologize for what they've done or said (except one person I wasn't expecting). They don't want to know how I'm doing. They don't check up on me. They were never interested in my content. It was all a ruse, and now that it's not needed, they don't need to pretend anymore. Quite some time later I tried to stream, and the second I would start, people would come in trying to troll me about the game lead I worked with. Clearly they were sent by them, but why? At that point, I hadn't even talked to them in almost a full year. At the was it. It's been so long since I've made content, I've forgotten a bit on how to make it. Every time I thought things were getting better, they'd get worse. I couldn't even hang out with anyone, like my roommate. Never wants to hang out unless they had full control over my time, situation, and even body. I had to aggressively rip away from them, but that doesn't mean I hated them. They never wanted to hang out beyond randomly driving to another state against my will, and even though they asked about it more than once, didn't even want me sexually. Not at all my first choice, but I did eventually say yes, to no avail. Makes me wonder why I'm even here if they want nothing to do with me. Makes me feel like I'm a commodity rather than a person. If I confront them, they'll just run off and look for online support. They can spin whatever story they want, but I live here. I've heard and seen some of the things they said. I know what's been going on in the background, and what will probably come next.
So very much of my life was wasted and ruined because of how I was treated and made to feel for so long. My childhood, my teens, my 20s, even most of my 30s. Wasted, trying to make someone else happy.
No matter what happened, no one was there for me, no one wanted to help me, no one cared.
Except 2 or 3 people, and to those people, I thank you very much for caring. You don't have to be there all the time, or at all, but the fact that you were means a lot to me.
If only the rest of the fandom were like them.
There are some good people in the fandom, but so many seem so mean and stuck up now. Not at all like the fandom I joined. I understand there were ups and downs, and there are going to be big disagreements, but it seemed to really start to collapse a bit over a decade ago when all these political people and Twitter people started infiltrating. Now almost everyone's always fighting about something. I stand with this label. Eff that label. This direction is bad. That direction is bad. It's terrible. And I've seen the effect of these people on some of the newer and younger people coming in. Imagine if 10% of the butt heads you met today were 90% of the regular people you met tomorrow. To people who've been in the fandom for a long time, you might have seen that already. I saw it and it felt like I was looking at a future troll training facility. So many people are always on about something, always trying to fight something, constantly pointing fingers about how “paraphiles are ruining the fandom!”, which I don't think is true at all. I've gotten to know some of them. I have some of them to thank for helping me to come out of this horrible rut. No one seems to care about community anymore, or helping people anymore, or being a role model to others. I tried to be, but I'm only one guy. I can't do it all myself.
All in all, if I'm to get better, I have to put it all behind me and move forward.
I guess that's something I have a bit of a problem with. Not so much that I can't drop things, but that I don't like things to be unfinished. I don't like walking away from people and leaving them behind. I don't like to at least not try to make a situation better.
As I've said, I've learned some things along the way. I'm not blaming everyone else for all my hardships in life, but I'm not going to pretend they didn't have a big hand in putting me here. And I want to make it very clear: I do not hate anyone. I never did. I am very appreciative for whatever help I was given. Though I will say that just because help was given doesn't mean I owe my life to you. What good is life if I have to hand it off to someone else?
I guess the only real way to make everything better is to make myself better, because I can't control or force anyone to do anything. I'm still going to try and help people when I can, but ultimately I have to focus on my own life. And the life of my kids. I'm not going to throw them away because almost everyone else threw me away. Someone told me before that I have to get used to my own company. I understood it, but I wanted to find a better way. But I guess in the end, I was always my own company, so I gotta find a way to enjoy myself better.
I'm tired of writing. It was going well at first, but I don't like to seem like I'm rambling. There's so much that I left out and so much I didn't talk about, but as I've said, this journal has gone through a tremendous amount of revisions and addendums. But I can't bring every little thing up. I'm trying to put it all past me. I'm not trying to bring up old things or start new things to fight about. I don't like that kind of thing. I just felt it was somewhat necessary to talk at least about a few things that have been plaguing me.
If you've ever felt like this before, please talk to someone. Talking helps way more than you might realize. Please look up things that will inspire you. Please try to get advice for your life and your situation. Please don't let the world take you over, take you down, and take away your smile. There are people and places that can help. They may or may not be therapists, but any help is better than no help. Please don't think that you are worthless because someone else made you feel that way. Please don't give up on life because things seem bleak. Surround yourself with people that actually care for you and will help you when you need it. Learn new hobbies. Take long scenic walks. Listen to new music. Speak your mind when the only other thing being said is propaganda. Understand that there is only one of you. Understand that care and understanding can really transform a place and a relationship. Try to become better than who you were before.
I don't have a lot of sources of things that have helped, but if you want some of them, let me know. I'll muster all that I can find.
I'm not just doing this for myself, I'm going this for those people that might have gone through this and don't know where to turn. I hope this helps someone, even though I left a lot out.
Maybe now I get gather the motivation to want to make stuff now. It's been so long...
I have been in a deep depression for the last several years. I realized when I just couldn't seem to do anything, no matter how much I tried. I looked it up and discovered I was in a depression worse than usual. I didn't even know it existed. I tried doing what I could to get rid of it, and nothing seemed to work. It's been only within the last few months I think that it really feels as though I'm finally reaching the top and about to climb out of it. I had to do all the climbing myself, I had no help. When I tried to get help, no one cared. I've been searching up many things to try and help myself and my situation, and as such have learned many things. Like standing up for myself. Something I finally built the courage to do years ago, only to have it immediately backfire upon me.
What happened?
People happened. Jobs happened. Life happened. Death almost happened...
The people that I trusted the most and cared for more than others threw me under the bus with no remorse. When everyone wanted something, whether it was my time or money or what I could make, or even my body, that's all most people seemed to care about. When I made them happy, irregardless of my own happiness, they were happy. Mostly. No matter what I did or said, they were never truly happy, but I guess things were good enough. But the few times I needed help or had a problem, no one was there. I couldn't get support for almost anything, but if anyone else needed anything, I was right there waiting. I had better been waiting, otherwise I wouldn't hear the end of it. I'd buy things for them, sometimes costing hundreds of dollars. I'd make stuff for them, sometimes taking me months. If they wanted sex, I'd role play as best I could with them, or bend over for them no problem. Digitally of course. No one's coming my way for real. I've already tried for many years. The closest I get is them asking for risque or naked pictures, I agree, then they bail. Assuming they haven't already bailed the second they see my face, which is what 90% of people do. If I get into contact again, they always refuse to delete them or pretend we don't know each other.
I don't mind spending money on people, or making stuff for people for free, and even the sexual stuff was fine within reason. I wasn't trying to guilt anyone or get into anyone's pants, I just wanted to make people happy. I just wanted to be a good friend and see my other friends smile. When it came to helping someone make a game, I just wanted to be part of a successful team and help the fandom get another game under their belt. What I did mind; however, was constantly being used by people. I didn't mind buying stuff for people or making them stuff, but I didn't like that they only came around when they wanted something. I didn't mind working on that game with the person, but they often lied and used me to make themselves look better for their Patreon subscribers. They had a very nasty attitude, and did almost no real work themselves. When things unsurprisingly fell through, they spent a long time trolling my profile. Almost longer than the time I worked for them. I worked for them for 18 months, didn't get a single penny, a GENUINE thank you, or even credit for my work. Prior to the job I have now, that was actually my longest time working for anyone.
I mentioned it wasn't just a few people.
I managed to find jobs, but they treated me unfairly. They purposefully kept me at 10 hours a week or below, would lower the amount of days I could work if I couldn't finish a ridiculous amount of work in a very unrealistic amount of time, wouldn't offer me the raise they promised everyone when I started, and even made or set up situations to get me written up. At one point, I was working 3 jobs, and still was barely making half of what the others in the house at the time were making. I explained my plan when I first moved up here, and asked directly if it was OK. They agreed, but I guess it was ignored. I had to start paying much more even though I could barely afford it. To be told something to your face only to have someone lie about it and betray you behind your back is a horrible thing. Speaking of which, I was tricked to come up to this state by my roommate. They lied about a lot of things. Eventually even started feeling me up and grabbing me against my will. Now I don't mind if they wanted to do sexual stuff, and they did ask, but most of the touching and a few gropes happened before I gave an answer. When I finally broke down and agreed, they ignored it even though they asked for it, but the grabbing continued. No matter how many times or how I said to stop, they continued, saying things like “No”, “I don't want to”, or “Why should I”. Those were their exact words. This continued almost every day, often multiple times a day, for about 3 and a half years until I had no choice but to get aggressive about it. I don't speak to many people, but I decided to speak to their mom when they kept prodding. I thought everything was going well, but it was just another lie. Another farce. They told them what I said in confidence to them, but gave their version as opposed to what was actually said. They used me to get closer to their child. While I understand it if there were bad feelings between them, it's a horrible thing to be used. It didn't make anything better, it only made it worse between me and them. Finally I went to talk to them since they don't make any real effort to. I talked about a few things, and I gave them the chance to come clean, but all I got were more half truths and false reactions. I'm not dumb, I knew for a long time what was really going on.
That's not all.
There are so many more things. So, so many more. About my current job, my past jobs, other friends, family, past life, etc. But I don't want to bring all of that up for reasons I'll get to later. But for the most part, I need it all to stop. I've been writing this journal for a couple of years. This journal went through literally dozens of drafts. The last time I thought I was going to finally post it was months ago, but it was over 102 pages long, and still wasn't done. I wanted to say everything in that one journal, but no one was going to read that. Not even close. Many people have a problem reading more than 2 or 3 sentences nowadays, and that's not an exaggeration. To be honest, I wasn't going to either. I decided a couple of hours ago to sit down and make another version. Just something quick so I can get it out of the way. And though it has only taken a couple of hours to write this, it represents years of emotion, soul searching, philosophy, and many other things that you probably won't see in just a mere few pages.
To be honest, I still don't fully know who or what I am.
Strange thing to say, I know. Though I do know a few things. I've always tried to be the kind of person that thinks about things. I want to understand thing, not hide them away from the world. I want to be a kind and helpful person, and I have tried to be. I make mistakes. I have lost my cool here and there, some of those times because people were trying to make me do it on purpose. They admitted as such. But I just want to be a simple person. To misunderstand me is fine, but to think of me as a mystery is actually strange to me when I do consider myself rather simple. I don't have a lot of confidence, which is why it took so long to make a journal before where I stood up for myself. Strange then that a “friend” made it seem as though I was always like... whatever they thought I was on a journal that took me years to gather the courage to make.
It all becomes a little too much.
To be unfairly treated at work to the point you can't make a living. To be lied to, tricked to do someone's bidding and interests, tricked to move all your belongings to them, felt up against your will, then used as the reason for their personality. To do everything you can to be a friend to someone, even spending hundreds on their interests, and even being used as a sex toy when they feel horny, only to be dropped the instant they get bored or get the wrong idea about you. To work for months and years bringing someone else's dream to life, while they sit in the back and yell at you and treat you like less than a person. To make free things for people for months, and even be led on by them, only to be left in the dust to realize how they really feel about you as they walk out on you the instant they get what they want. To do everything you could think of to please a person who claims to be interested in you, only to be lied about assaulting them so they could get more clout to people who were already sycophants to them. To be tossed aside by some of your family members despite doing all you could to make things better. And so much more.
It's too much.
A person can only take so much.
Especially if you're the kind of person who doesn't want to make a scene and holds it all in.
What happens to that container of yours? It will burst eventually.
I think mine burst the day I posted a journal trying to stand up for myself, and my “friends and acquaintances” came out of the woodwork to push me into the dirt and throw me under the bus.
It was some of the worst emotion pain I've ever felt.
I got up one day, the next I think, tried to brush it off and make some content, and... couldn't.
I couldn't seem to do anything. All of my motivation was gone. Sleep got worse. Food lost its taste.
I had no interest in anything anymore. All I could see was the negative in stuff.
My trust for people had evaporated. My care for anything was hanging on threads.
It's not just an emotional outcry.
It's so much worse. It affects your physical, emotional, and mental health. I tried to do everything to get back into the swing of thing, to figure out what was wrong with me, to just ignore the bad and try and reconnect with people, to try and talk with them and try and understand what was going on, etc.
Nothing.
No one cared. I was dumped by everyone, but then no one would tell me why. The couple of times someone said anything, it was always blatantly false.
I have been asking the question “what am I doing wrong” for close to 30 years now. No honest answer.
Nothing I tried to do seemed to work to make me feel better, or to get people to talk to me seriously. At some point, I had the option to get a dog. Now, I've always wanted a dog, so if I had the option I was going to get one anyway, but thinking about all of the stuff that happened, I wanted to show people that I wasn't a bad person and take care of something else to prove it. Again, I've always wanted a dog, but a small reason I got them was also for those people. That almost didn't even happen. Even though I was given permission, the person who said I was allowed tried to run out my time. I only had 2 weeks to get a dog. Finally on the last day, they got up to help me get them. If they had waited just 20 more minutes, I would never had my dog, and by extension, my daughter (other dog). But again, those people didn't care. When someone hurts you and runs away, they aren't coming back unless they want to hurt you more. To this day, not a single person has come to me to apologize for what they've done or said (except one person I wasn't expecting). They don't want to know how I'm doing. They don't check up on me. They were never interested in my content. It was all a ruse, and now that it's not needed, they don't need to pretend anymore. Quite some time later I tried to stream, and the second I would start, people would come in trying to troll me about the game lead I worked with. Clearly they were sent by them, but why? At that point, I hadn't even talked to them in almost a full year. At the was it. It's been so long since I've made content, I've forgotten a bit on how to make it. Every time I thought things were getting better, they'd get worse. I couldn't even hang out with anyone, like my roommate. Never wants to hang out unless they had full control over my time, situation, and even body. I had to aggressively rip away from them, but that doesn't mean I hated them. They never wanted to hang out beyond randomly driving to another state against my will, and even though they asked about it more than once, didn't even want me sexually. Not at all my first choice, but I did eventually say yes, to no avail. Makes me wonder why I'm even here if they want nothing to do with me. Makes me feel like I'm a commodity rather than a person. If I confront them, they'll just run off and look for online support. They can spin whatever story they want, but I live here. I've heard and seen some of the things they said. I know what's been going on in the background, and what will probably come next.
So very much of my life was wasted and ruined because of how I was treated and made to feel for so long. My childhood, my teens, my 20s, even most of my 30s. Wasted, trying to make someone else happy.
No matter what happened, no one was there for me, no one wanted to help me, no one cared.
Except 2 or 3 people, and to those people, I thank you very much for caring. You don't have to be there all the time, or at all, but the fact that you were means a lot to me.
If only the rest of the fandom were like them.
There are some good people in the fandom, but so many seem so mean and stuck up now. Not at all like the fandom I joined. I understand there were ups and downs, and there are going to be big disagreements, but it seemed to really start to collapse a bit over a decade ago when all these political people and Twitter people started infiltrating. Now almost everyone's always fighting about something. I stand with this label. Eff that label. This direction is bad. That direction is bad. It's terrible. And I've seen the effect of these people on some of the newer and younger people coming in. Imagine if 10% of the butt heads you met today were 90% of the regular people you met tomorrow. To people who've been in the fandom for a long time, you might have seen that already. I saw it and it felt like I was looking at a future troll training facility. So many people are always on about something, always trying to fight something, constantly pointing fingers about how “paraphiles are ruining the fandom!”, which I don't think is true at all. I've gotten to know some of them. I have some of them to thank for helping me to come out of this horrible rut. No one seems to care about community anymore, or helping people anymore, or being a role model to others. I tried to be, but I'm only one guy. I can't do it all myself.
All in all, if I'm to get better, I have to put it all behind me and move forward.
I guess that's something I have a bit of a problem with. Not so much that I can't drop things, but that I don't like things to be unfinished. I don't like walking away from people and leaving them behind. I don't like to at least not try to make a situation better.
As I've said, I've learned some things along the way. I'm not blaming everyone else for all my hardships in life, but I'm not going to pretend they didn't have a big hand in putting me here. And I want to make it very clear: I do not hate anyone. I never did. I am very appreciative for whatever help I was given. Though I will say that just because help was given doesn't mean I owe my life to you. What good is life if I have to hand it off to someone else?
I guess the only real way to make everything better is to make myself better, because I can't control or force anyone to do anything. I'm still going to try and help people when I can, but ultimately I have to focus on my own life. And the life of my kids. I'm not going to throw them away because almost everyone else threw me away. Someone told me before that I have to get used to my own company. I understood it, but I wanted to find a better way. But I guess in the end, I was always my own company, so I gotta find a way to enjoy myself better.
I'm tired of writing. It was going well at first, but I don't like to seem like I'm rambling. There's so much that I left out and so much I didn't talk about, but as I've said, this journal has gone through a tremendous amount of revisions and addendums. But I can't bring every little thing up. I'm trying to put it all past me. I'm not trying to bring up old things or start new things to fight about. I don't like that kind of thing. I just felt it was somewhat necessary to talk at least about a few things that have been plaguing me.
If you've ever felt like this before, please talk to someone. Talking helps way more than you might realize. Please look up things that will inspire you. Please try to get advice for your life and your situation. Please don't let the world take you over, take you down, and take away your smile. There are people and places that can help. They may or may not be therapists, but any help is better than no help. Please don't think that you are worthless because someone else made you feel that way. Please don't give up on life because things seem bleak. Surround yourself with people that actually care for you and will help you when you need it. Learn new hobbies. Take long scenic walks. Listen to new music. Speak your mind when the only other thing being said is propaganda. Understand that there is only one of you. Understand that care and understanding can really transform a place and a relationship. Try to become better than who you were before.
I don't have a lot of sources of things that have helped, but if you want some of them, let me know. I'll muster all that I can find.
I'm not just doing this for myself, I'm going this for those people that might have gone through this and don't know where to turn. I hope this helps someone, even though I left a lot out.
Maybe now I get gather the motivation to want to make stuff now. It's been so long...
