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Rat Bastard Supreme (edit)
2 years ago
OK.
A few days ago, I started shaking real bad. Feeling of dread all over. Thought I was about to have a heart attack, but I’ve learned not too long ago that this is called anxiety. Specifically, it was an anxiety attack.
Explains a lot in life honestly. Got them often. But I was wondering why it was happening. That same day, I was seeing other family members about, and I thought the worst. I thought someone had died.
I didn’t know what was doing on, but when I tried waving as I was heading to work, I was getting a couple nasty glares. Kinda felt like I did something.
I went to work. I worked on my car. I came back. That feeling kind of returns. But why do I feel like I’m in the center of it again? What did I do? I didn’t do anything. I was gone all day.
I then remember the journal I made almost 2 weeks ago, and I remembered that this feeling was very similar to last year about a similar incident. I started to wonder if that was what this was about.
Trying to get a little bit of information, I think it is indeed what’s going on. No one tells me anything, so I have to figure things out on my own, and that can take a long time.
Well… it’s 6 in the morning now for me. I’ve been here since maybe 8 writing a very long journal, expanding a single sentence in that whole journal because I’m sure that’s what people cared about.
I broke down every part of that sentence and talked about it in great detail. But then I figured, as I was nearing completion, it would probably create the same or worse problems if I posted it.
All that time wasted, though it’s happened before. I’m so tired. I want to go to bed so badly, and now I’m starting anew. But I feel I have to say something.
And it’s a shame I’m even having to say it this way. What goes on in this house is the business of the people who live here, but my fault for posting that stuff.
We’re a mere 20 feet away, but knocking on the door and asking to talk is too hard. I’ve tried to talk to everyone that maybe had a problem with me, but it never seemed to work out for long or at all.
...Nothing I said was a lie. That’s the honest truth. I can’t prove any / most of it anymore, I don’t walk around with HD cameras and hidden microphones and stuff at all times.
However, maybe the way I said it could have been better. Or better yet, I shouldn’t have brought it up at all. I know there’s all kinds of things being said about me in the background, I’ve come across much of it.
I know there’s all these accusations, and ways people think about me, etc., and it isn’t fair. But at the end of the day, I know there’s truly nothing I can do about it.
If people choose to hate me, rather than trying to understand me, that’s up to them.
People will have their opinions about me. The only thing I can help is the way people see me. And I’ve tried to. But it seems literally no matter what I do, they only ever have a negative opinion of me.
When literally everything I do is a problem, from trying to talk to people, to being silly, to just walking around and breathing harder from being out and about, what can I possibly do to make it better?
I’m right here. Anyone can come talk to me at any time. But I’m often avoided to have all these wild claims made up about me, sometimes right in front of my face.
Goodness knows I’ve tried to talk to the people, I’ve tried to help when I can, I’ve tried to show them what kind of person I am, I tried to be as good as I could be.
And I think I’ve become a better person over the years, thanks to the self-help I’ve tried, and my dogs. But when people only want to see the negative in you and blow every mistake you make out of the water, what does it matter?
Again, I can’t stop people from having a horrible opinion about me, as unfair as it is. I didn’t mean any harm when I posted that, and I wasn’t trying to bring up old things again.
Everything that I mentioned was already years old, not so much recent. So again, probably could have done without even saying it. I’m sorry.
Though I will say that I don’t think it’s right for all of this stuff to have happened and it just keeps getting swept under the rug and attempted to be hidden. And that reputations seem to matter more than relationships.
The whole point of much of the journal was about how I feel (felt), and why. Almost no one ever asks how I feel or what I want. I get totally swept under the rug all the time.
Case in point, the entire journal was ignored for what I’m guessing is a couple of lines. And if that’s true, it once again proves my point. But it doesn’t matter anymore.
I will say again that I do no hate anyone. Disappointed maybe, but no hate.
Things weren’t all bad, and I’m not going to pretend that they were.
I have said more than a few times that I am very grateful for the help that I did receive, and for everything that was done for me. There were some fun times. There were some good things that happened.
I want to thank the few people that actually did try to help me. I sat and spent all my time trying to make others happen when I should have been spending my time with you guys.
I apologize for that, and I am thankful for your help.
What was said was said. Even though I had already talked about it quite some time ago anyway. Mistakes happen. I was trying to talk about them so I could finally put them behind me.
But again, maybe I could have handled it better, or just not said anything about it at all. But what about the other mistakes that are made that I didn’t do? That hinder me? That I have to deal with?
Why is it I can do 99 things right, but the one time I make a mistake, the world stops, and what I may have done is overwhelmingly exaggerated and held over my head for all time?
I’ve been asking this question for about 30 years now: What did I do that was wrong?
What about the way I feel?
I’ve yet to get a real answer for that. People seem to have a lot to say about it, but not one will come to me and talk about it.
And I think it’s a rotten deal. Just… talk to me. Please.
I will further go on to say that, I absolutely refuse to be pushed into another deep depression. Anyone who has ever experienced that knows what I am talking about.
And I am silly. I have a silly personality. It is in my nature, I think. I have always been a silly person, and it sucks to have it used against me so often. But I’m not getting rid of it for anyone. Not anymore.
I tried to become a better person for everyone else, but I always neglected myself. But I want to become a better person for me. And I think that I have. And I think that I will continue to.
There may be people out there that say bad things about me, but I don’t want to continue to say bad things about myself.
The road to self recovery and self-help can be bumpy, but there is a road, and it does lead to a better place. And I don’t want to throw all that work away to pretend that I’m all smiles all the time about some people.
I’m here.
Talk to me if you want something.
I’ve told everyone that, and to this day I still have yet for anyone to apologize, or talk to me about the things that have happened, to not be condescending towards me.
But I can’t sit and wait for people forever. I’m trying to make my life better.
It has been apparent to me for a very long time that I… don’t really vibe well with people. I get that, it’s not hard to see. I’m not sure what the problem is, but clearly there’s a problem.
I’m not sure if I’m the problem, but I often find myself in the middle of it. So with that being said, I’m trying to leave. Clearly I’ve been a burden, and I’m trying to fix it.
Just, it’s not the easiest thing to do. It takes a lot of time and a lot of money. But one day, the day will come when I’m finally out of everyone’s hair for good.
Until that day comes, just please work with me. I may not be the best, but I’m trying.
I’m so very tired….
A few days ago, I started shaking real bad. Feeling of dread all over. Thought I was about to have a heart attack, but I’ve learned not too long ago that this is called anxiety. Specifically, it was an anxiety attack.
Explains a lot in life honestly. Got them often. But I was wondering why it was happening. That same day, I was seeing other family members about, and I thought the worst. I thought someone had died.
I didn’t know what was doing on, but when I tried waving as I was heading to work, I was getting a couple nasty glares. Kinda felt like I did something.
I went to work. I worked on my car. I came back. That feeling kind of returns. But why do I feel like I’m in the center of it again? What did I do? I didn’t do anything. I was gone all day.
I then remember the journal I made almost 2 weeks ago, and I remembered that this feeling was very similar to last year about a similar incident. I started to wonder if that was what this was about.
Trying to get a little bit of information, I think it is indeed what’s going on. No one tells me anything, so I have to figure things out on my own, and that can take a long time.
Well… it’s 6 in the morning now for me. I’ve been here since maybe 8 writing a very long journal, expanding a single sentence in that whole journal because I’m sure that’s what people cared about.
I broke down every part of that sentence and talked about it in great detail. But then I figured, as I was nearing completion, it would probably create the same or worse problems if I posted it.
All that time wasted, though it’s happened before. I’m so tired. I want to go to bed so badly, and now I’m starting anew. But I feel I have to say something.
And it’s a shame I’m even having to say it this way. What goes on in this house is the business of the people who live here, but my fault for posting that stuff.
We’re a mere 20 feet away, but knocking on the door and asking to talk is too hard. I’ve tried to talk to everyone that maybe had a problem with me, but it never seemed to work out for long or at all.
...Nothing I said was a lie. That’s the honest truth. I can’t prove any / most of it anymore, I don’t walk around with HD cameras and hidden microphones and stuff at all times.
However, maybe the way I said it could have been better. Or better yet, I shouldn’t have brought it up at all. I know there’s all kinds of things being said about me in the background, I’ve come across much of it.
I know there’s all these accusations, and ways people think about me, etc., and it isn’t fair. But at the end of the day, I know there’s truly nothing I can do about it.
If people choose to hate me, rather than trying to understand me, that’s up to them.
People will have their opinions about me. The only thing I can help is the way people see me. And I’ve tried to. But it seems literally no matter what I do, they only ever have a negative opinion of me.
When literally everything I do is a problem, from trying to talk to people, to being silly, to just walking around and breathing harder from being out and about, what can I possibly do to make it better?
I’m right here. Anyone can come talk to me at any time. But I’m often avoided to have all these wild claims made up about me, sometimes right in front of my face.
Goodness knows I’ve tried to talk to the people, I’ve tried to help when I can, I’ve tried to show them what kind of person I am, I tried to be as good as I could be.
And I think I’ve become a better person over the years, thanks to the self-help I’ve tried, and my dogs. But when people only want to see the negative in you and blow every mistake you make out of the water, what does it matter?
Again, I can’t stop people from having a horrible opinion about me, as unfair as it is. I didn’t mean any harm when I posted that, and I wasn’t trying to bring up old things again.
Everything that I mentioned was already years old, not so much recent. So again, probably could have done without even saying it. I’m sorry.
Though I will say that I don’t think it’s right for all of this stuff to have happened and it just keeps getting swept under the rug and attempted to be hidden. And that reputations seem to matter more than relationships.
The whole point of much of the journal was about how I feel (felt), and why. Almost no one ever asks how I feel or what I want. I get totally swept under the rug all the time.
Case in point, the entire journal was ignored for what I’m guessing is a couple of lines. And if that’s true, it once again proves my point. But it doesn’t matter anymore.
I will say again that I do no hate anyone. Disappointed maybe, but no hate.
Things weren’t all bad, and I’m not going to pretend that they were.
I have said more than a few times that I am very grateful for the help that I did receive, and for everything that was done for me. There were some fun times. There were some good things that happened.
I want to thank the few people that actually did try to help me. I sat and spent all my time trying to make others happen when I should have been spending my time with you guys.
I apologize for that, and I am thankful for your help.
What was said was said. Even though I had already talked about it quite some time ago anyway. Mistakes happen. I was trying to talk about them so I could finally put them behind me.
But again, maybe I could have handled it better, or just not said anything about it at all. But what about the other mistakes that are made that I didn’t do? That hinder me? That I have to deal with?
Why is it I can do 99 things right, but the one time I make a mistake, the world stops, and what I may have done is overwhelmingly exaggerated and held over my head for all time?
I’ve been asking this question for about 30 years now: What did I do that was wrong?
What about the way I feel?
I’ve yet to get a real answer for that. People seem to have a lot to say about it, but not one will come to me and talk about it.
And I think it’s a rotten deal. Just… talk to me. Please.
I will further go on to say that, I absolutely refuse to be pushed into another deep depression. Anyone who has ever experienced that knows what I am talking about.
And I am silly. I have a silly personality. It is in my nature, I think. I have always been a silly person, and it sucks to have it used against me so often. But I’m not getting rid of it for anyone. Not anymore.
I tried to become a better person for everyone else, but I always neglected myself. But I want to become a better person for me. And I think that I have. And I think that I will continue to.
There may be people out there that say bad things about me, but I don’t want to continue to say bad things about myself.
The road to self recovery and self-help can be bumpy, but there is a road, and it does lead to a better place. And I don’t want to throw all that work away to pretend that I’m all smiles all the time about some people.
I’m here.
Talk to me if you want something.
I’ve told everyone that, and to this day I still have yet for anyone to apologize, or talk to me about the things that have happened, to not be condescending towards me.
But I can’t sit and wait for people forever. I’m trying to make my life better.
It has been apparent to me for a very long time that I… don’t really vibe well with people. I get that, it’s not hard to see. I’m not sure what the problem is, but clearly there’s a problem.
I’m not sure if I’m the problem, but I often find myself in the middle of it. So with that being said, I’m trying to leave. Clearly I’ve been a burden, and I’m trying to fix it.
Just, it’s not the easiest thing to do. It takes a lot of time and a lot of money. But one day, the day will come when I’m finally out of everyone’s hair for good.
Until that day comes, just please work with me. I may not be the best, but I’m trying.
I’m so very tired….
