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Recent thoughts (update and vent)
3 years ago
Hey all
So the update part straight away I am writing stuff. Have started two stories I will write more off when I feel like it, so slow progress but progress. I also overworked an idea through well, putting it in better and more logical words. Might do it with another and post it here, even if it would be purely lore again. Might get comms this month again, but other than one, I can't promise anything.
So thoughts. Not going to get peace of mind through this, but it's probably going to let me think about it less. First off, my time here with everyone is amazing. I have meet so many nice people that are simply amazing and great to talk to even. Though the reason I am in here as deep as I am isn't a good story.
It started when I needed somewhere to enjoy myself since the one thing that I did for me, to be more healthy, backfired terribly, while I also was finding myself deeper and deeper in furry and English media. As some are aware, I am German, so English is far from my mother language, there was a time while I still was in school I hated having to "learn" it, thought it was useless. Looking back at that, I was just some brad angry about homework while also "learning" something "important." I wouldn't say I learned English at all in school, or at least nothing important. I learned it at home when I choose to through YouTube with English content, another change again this time, though, since it opened doors that would be helpful all my life without worry. And look at me here with friends and acquaintances from quite a few places.
Some might know from me admitting it, I am heavily overweight for where I live and there is no change in sight. It's that that led me here. I tried to change that once, and I did, I lost 1/5 of my weight in a short time and could have held that, but "fate" made that change. I was in rehab to make that change and my absence made my friends leave me behind, except it didn't. They left me hanging and running after them instead of cutting me loose. Again I am here now with all the good and bad. This was what started my mental decline at the time, which led to anger issues soon after and well depression. Only one friend of that group stayed, the only one I had contact at the time with, and they tried their hardest. They left, but that was good when it happened. The days with that group were numbered and as time ticked down, anger ticked up and depression swallowed me. The one person there, an unhealthy beacon of hope since I had nowhere else to go. Yet I learned English around that time. I had almost properly gotten into Pokémon on accident, and FNAF and Undertale both lead me ever on to learn English. Understand the games and the content around it and well the fandom I had unknowingly thrown myself in. Vore had been on my mind before then but never with a word for it, just the idea, and when I found it I gut pulled deeper as my interest grew. Somehow with luck striking twice the one friend was also a furry and also into vore, though admittedly almost all of them were close to being ones. Ever wondered why I have so much scanned traditional art here that I haven't drawn. Well, it came from there. When thing were still good anyway. So as time moved they were not only a beacon but the person I trusted. Till they weren't.
Something happened, and it left me almost where I am today. I was betrayed and lied to about it even though I had prove and well I did go along with it at the time. It still left me heavily paranoid, though, which some here might know from talking or not. Yet lately I leave it behind a good bit better than before.
As "fate" would have it things had to change again and as it did, it didn't. Almost last minute "fate" decided to throw me back to that friend that by this point was better off left behind both for them and me. I would have had to learn to move on, and they would have gotten to be happy without my craziness all over them for some more time. Well, seeing it as a good thing, the two of us reunited for the time being. As that "hope" became toxic through that, though. So it went pretty badly that year, but it worked out. And once that mandatory time was over, they left me on read. I lashed out at anyone to keep myself together, the toxicity going through the roof. You should know what I meant if you got to talk to me at the time. And it all failed. Though by now I am at least standing okay with anyone I know from here.
At some point I overstep the boundary as that all was happening and left on read became blocked. A breakdown having brought me there, I finally got to do what I should have done before, move on. And I did. Great times followed I meet more people some left, some I still talk to. Talking changed last year, though. My father died. The details ain't important and my thought get dark there, so let's summarize what happened. I stopped talking and RP's for the most part, and I am still at that point, only recently trying to mend wounds that came from that sudden stop. I got glasses and meds from some work on myself. My constant headaches reduced to a sizzle in the back, still annoying, but letting me write when I can hold the mood for it.
I never go into detail on this kind of stuff, till now, and I am not here for any of the above.
I'm currently not home much. Not only that, but I am working on getting proper work again. Another rehab like situation, just that my friends here I can write, and they answer when they wanna talk and the ones in person I can hang out with these days. I/we have cats. Two to be exact. One isn't doing good. This is what is putting a mental strain on me. Makes me eat my sanity on downtime, like right now. They are sick and I can't help again. Money isn't the problem, it's that the cat has more than one problem. And with me away from home in this rehab, there is no one that could monitor them. They probably won't make it if they get the help they need to get through with them getting two serious ailments at the same time. One needing time and extra care on top of medical help, the other does too, and one can only be fixed after the other. So I am sitting here thinking what the right thing to do is, even though I won't be the one making the decision or even be able to influence it since I am not home and can't be. Everyone involved know there are only two options, and the right thing to do isn't the right thing to do.
Anyway that's that. And no worries I am taking care of myself just the first time I feel like sitting down and writing something like this out.
So the update part straight away I am writing stuff. Have started two stories I will write more off when I feel like it, so slow progress but progress. I also overworked an idea through well, putting it in better and more logical words. Might do it with another and post it here, even if it would be purely lore again. Might get comms this month again, but other than one, I can't promise anything.
So thoughts. Not going to get peace of mind through this, but it's probably going to let me think about it less. First off, my time here with everyone is amazing. I have meet so many nice people that are simply amazing and great to talk to even. Though the reason I am in here as deep as I am isn't a good story.
It started when I needed somewhere to enjoy myself since the one thing that I did for me, to be more healthy, backfired terribly, while I also was finding myself deeper and deeper in furry and English media. As some are aware, I am German, so English is far from my mother language, there was a time while I still was in school I hated having to "learn" it, thought it was useless. Looking back at that, I was just some brad angry about homework while also "learning" something "important." I wouldn't say I learned English at all in school, or at least nothing important. I learned it at home when I choose to through YouTube with English content, another change again this time, though, since it opened doors that would be helpful all my life without worry. And look at me here with friends and acquaintances from quite a few places.
Some might know from me admitting it, I am heavily overweight for where I live and there is no change in sight. It's that that led me here. I tried to change that once, and I did, I lost 1/5 of my weight in a short time and could have held that, but "fate" made that change. I was in rehab to make that change and my absence made my friends leave me behind, except it didn't. They left me hanging and running after them instead of cutting me loose. Again I am here now with all the good and bad. This was what started my mental decline at the time, which led to anger issues soon after and well depression. Only one friend of that group stayed, the only one I had contact at the time with, and they tried their hardest. They left, but that was good when it happened. The days with that group were numbered and as time ticked down, anger ticked up and depression swallowed me. The one person there, an unhealthy beacon of hope since I had nowhere else to go. Yet I learned English around that time. I had almost properly gotten into Pokémon on accident, and FNAF and Undertale both lead me ever on to learn English. Understand the games and the content around it and well the fandom I had unknowingly thrown myself in. Vore had been on my mind before then but never with a word for it, just the idea, and when I found it I gut pulled deeper as my interest grew. Somehow with luck striking twice the one friend was also a furry and also into vore, though admittedly almost all of them were close to being ones. Ever wondered why I have so much scanned traditional art here that I haven't drawn. Well, it came from there. When thing were still good anyway. So as time moved they were not only a beacon but the person I trusted. Till they weren't.
Something happened, and it left me almost where I am today. I was betrayed and lied to about it even though I had prove and well I did go along with it at the time. It still left me heavily paranoid, though, which some here might know from talking or not. Yet lately I leave it behind a good bit better than before.
As "fate" would have it things had to change again and as it did, it didn't. Almost last minute "fate" decided to throw me back to that friend that by this point was better off left behind both for them and me. I would have had to learn to move on, and they would have gotten to be happy without my craziness all over them for some more time. Well, seeing it as a good thing, the two of us reunited for the time being. As that "hope" became toxic through that, though. So it went pretty badly that year, but it worked out. And once that mandatory time was over, they left me on read. I lashed out at anyone to keep myself together, the toxicity going through the roof. You should know what I meant if you got to talk to me at the time. And it all failed. Though by now I am at least standing okay with anyone I know from here.
At some point I overstep the boundary as that all was happening and left on read became blocked. A breakdown having brought me there, I finally got to do what I should have done before, move on. And I did. Great times followed I meet more people some left, some I still talk to. Talking changed last year, though. My father died. The details ain't important and my thought get dark there, so let's summarize what happened. I stopped talking and RP's for the most part, and I am still at that point, only recently trying to mend wounds that came from that sudden stop. I got glasses and meds from some work on myself. My constant headaches reduced to a sizzle in the back, still annoying, but letting me write when I can hold the mood for it.
I never go into detail on this kind of stuff, till now, and I am not here for any of the above.
I'm currently not home much. Not only that, but I am working on getting proper work again. Another rehab like situation, just that my friends here I can write, and they answer when they wanna talk and the ones in person I can hang out with these days. I/we have cats. Two to be exact. One isn't doing good. This is what is putting a mental strain on me. Makes me eat my sanity on downtime, like right now. They are sick and I can't help again. Money isn't the problem, it's that the cat has more than one problem. And with me away from home in this rehab, there is no one that could monitor them. They probably won't make it if they get the help they need to get through with them getting two serious ailments at the same time. One needing time and extra care on top of medical help, the other does too, and one can only be fixed after the other. So I am sitting here thinking what the right thing to do is, even though I won't be the one making the decision or even be able to influence it since I am not home and can't be. Everyone involved know there are only two options, and the right thing to do isn't the right thing to do.
Anyway that's that. And no worries I am taking care of myself just the first time I feel like sitting down and writing something like this out.
