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Self-Reflection: Personal Flaws
3 years ago
"Everything starts somewhere, although many physicists disagree."
-Terry Pratchett
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-Terry Pratchett
If you enjoy my writings, please consider donating. ^.|.^
Also, if you want to be a supporter on Patreon, here is the link.
Music for the Day
I will not deny that I have a lot of flaws. After all, plenty of people called me out on many occasions. So, for example, I can act salty when I lose a game or get screwed over, often to sore loser territory. And while there are videos where this is entertaining, I will admit that I am not one of them. In fact, I believe that’s a massive part of why I don’t get invited to play games with others anymore. And to be honest, that’s fair, even if I have been working on curving my wrath and such. After all, losing is a part of life.
I will also admit that I do have some envious issues. Specifically, when I witness whenever someone in a group gets preferential treatment. I know that it’s childish of me. After all, the world doesn’t revolve around me, and I don’t know what this person did that let them gain such treatment in the first place. Perhaps they were super generous and helpful, or they were that charismatic. Regardless of the reason, I know it’s wrong, so I do my best to prevent myself from expressing it, though it does leak out as jokes and sarcasm.
I also felt that when it comes to people working together on a commission, artwork, or story. I confess that I hate it when I feel cut out from a group, and to see people joining up around me rather than with me felt disheartening. Really, it felt like people joined up with me out of pity rather than a desire to collaborate. But regardless, I shouldn’t feel any resentment since those people create fantastic stuff that I can only dream of.
Another issue I have, which I touched upon, is resentment. I cannot help but be upset whenever I do my best to work, whether it’s an artwork I commission or stories I write or planned to write, only to be brushed aside as meaningless. Even worse if I get called ungrateful and claim that I don’t join in the middle. This isn’t to say that my feelings weren’t unjustified all the time. But, at the same time, I should know better that, as I said before, it’s not about me and no one should devote their time, money, or work just because I was friendly or am planning a nice thing.
And finally, I feel upset whenever people decide to vent their issues in a stream chat. It’s not the venting that I’m upset about; after all, it would be hypocritical of me to complain about such when I have been using my journal as a vent post these days. It’s that there is an impression of a double standard. Namely, others can complain about their lives, the people they deal with, and such, yet I’m often told to shut up about my issues in the same chat if they are addressed. Again, I know that it’s not about me, and I should never make it so, yet I feel like I have to bottle up my feelings, thoughts, and interests in such places while others have that freedom. I know why that happens; there are specific nuances that I don’t fully understand, and not everyone follows the same topics I do. And to be a part of that chat, I need to set aside my interests and join up with theirs, even if it means bottling up my vents.
I have many more flaws, but I don’t wish to make this journal too long. I only wish that I, with God’s help, can improve upon them in time.
I will not deny that I have a lot of flaws. After all, plenty of people called me out on many occasions. So, for example, I can act salty when I lose a game or get screwed over, often to sore loser territory. And while there are videos where this is entertaining, I will admit that I am not one of them. In fact, I believe that’s a massive part of why I don’t get invited to play games with others anymore. And to be honest, that’s fair, even if I have been working on curving my wrath and such. After all, losing is a part of life.
I will also admit that I do have some envious issues. Specifically, when I witness whenever someone in a group gets preferential treatment. I know that it’s childish of me. After all, the world doesn’t revolve around me, and I don’t know what this person did that let them gain such treatment in the first place. Perhaps they were super generous and helpful, or they were that charismatic. Regardless of the reason, I know it’s wrong, so I do my best to prevent myself from expressing it, though it does leak out as jokes and sarcasm.
I also felt that when it comes to people working together on a commission, artwork, or story. I confess that I hate it when I feel cut out from a group, and to see people joining up around me rather than with me felt disheartening. Really, it felt like people joined up with me out of pity rather than a desire to collaborate. But regardless, I shouldn’t feel any resentment since those people create fantastic stuff that I can only dream of.
Another issue I have, which I touched upon, is resentment. I cannot help but be upset whenever I do my best to work, whether it’s an artwork I commission or stories I write or planned to write, only to be brushed aside as meaningless. Even worse if I get called ungrateful and claim that I don’t join in the middle. This isn’t to say that my feelings weren’t unjustified all the time. But, at the same time, I should know better that, as I said before, it’s not about me and no one should devote their time, money, or work just because I was friendly or am planning a nice thing.
And finally, I feel upset whenever people decide to vent their issues in a stream chat. It’s not the venting that I’m upset about; after all, it would be hypocritical of me to complain about such when I have been using my journal as a vent post these days. It’s that there is an impression of a double standard. Namely, others can complain about their lives, the people they deal with, and such, yet I’m often told to shut up about my issues in the same chat if they are addressed. Again, I know that it’s not about me, and I should never make it so, yet I feel like I have to bottle up my feelings, thoughts, and interests in such places while others have that freedom. I know why that happens; there are specific nuances that I don’t fully understand, and not everyone follows the same topics I do. And to be a part of that chat, I need to set aside my interests and join up with theirs, even if it means bottling up my vents.
I have many more flaws, but I don’t wish to make this journal too long. I only wish that I, with God’s help, can improve upon them in time.
The Second: I've had and still struggle with the same issue of envy. But, I try to understand both myself and others - hurt, fatigue, time, these are factors which people ignore or exclude those they don't like.
But also, we can't let it define us. Assimilate the experience, dissect it, learn from it and reach out to others again.
Extending this onto three - we can't keep ourselves down. We need to be worthy - our flaws must be buffed out and ourselves reinvented if we're simply insufficient.
The Fourth: we cannot allow ourselves to hold onto this feeling, resentment is a wound - one that at least needs covering, if not healing. All hatred comes from some form of love - whether that be love for yourself or love for others. If we don't move on, we are condemned to stagnation until we do.
The Fifth: Other people have better instinctual social skills than us. Often, if I'm not careful, I'll end up unintentionally insulting someone - the only indication being their reaction...
I find, that we can mention such things offhandedly, but we cannot persist - if people want to overlook, let them. If they want to show concern to us, they will. Otherwise, leave them to their own stuff - you come before anyone else in your life. If you need to disengage, do it. But forcing our issues on people makes them resent us - by only mentioning it when it comes up in conversation, it's a controlled vent, and allows others to know that we aren't 100% in a safe and effective manner.
Just remember: reach out. Don't be bullheaded, but don't give up on socializing either. If you want to play, ask once. If no response, take that as a declination - and do not become emotional invested in interacting with others. We do that and we are filled with passion - passion is not trustworthy. Keep everything in equilibrium, analyze the situation as someone that you "might" gain emotional desire from, rather than something so desperately desired because we're so lonely or simply passionate over.
I'm not loved - this is something that might never change, simply because of my deficiencies as an an individual and inability to understand others - but by keeping myself in check, I am welcomed. If this means I must disengage from situations to maintain that check, so be it - I'll leave the event, I can try again later without real repercussion so long as my behavior is kept from being regrettable.
And with that control and repetition, it got easier.
I'm not good to share my thoughts right now because I'm tired, but please understand that what we currently are isn't what we are destined to be - also, if you wanna play a game, just ask. I myself will feel guilty for refusing an offer before ever being annoyed with you for asking.