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>>CW<< [A small rant about recent events]
3 years ago
>>CW<< [A small rant about recent events]
Just a couple of days ago, I learned that my mother never informed my brother about Dad's condition change to terminal, he learned, from his girlfriend who saw my Tweet. He was livid and hurt by this. Back in 2015 my mother almost died, and I saved her, ever since then she has treated me like the favorite and I hate it. She pushed for my brother to move out, and now that he is successful and doing his best, Mom and Dad seem unimpressed and critical. My mother never likes talking to him, making excuses not to, deciding not to listen when he does, makes him feel bad when he doesn't have time to help us. My relationship with him has become strained because of that. In my mom's eyes I am the "Favorite". I hate it so damn much man and what sucks? When I was growing up I got NO help from my folks, I was kicked out of school in the 5th grade and barred from ever attending school again for my whole life for something I could not stop. My school took the side of my bullies, the sexual assault, the beatings and pain meant jack shit to my school system, I was a throw away with no way of getting justice. I was 11, kicked out when I turned 12, happy birthday. I had to learn on my own, get my GED on my own, study on my own, get a job on my own, my folks barely helped. My brother was their focus, they forced him to get his degree, they forced him to get a job, they forced him to get his license and a car. He never wanted to and he benefitted from it and now thrives, he's responsible, strong, hard working, a completely different person. But now? Our folks treat him like he isn't trying hard enough, like he's lazy and selfish. God I hate it. Now that I'm almost 30, working for not enough money, no license, no car, living with my folks still. Trying my hardest to become independent and like a real fucking person. But I'm still treated like I ain't trying hard enough, I'm procrastinating. I have no support at home, no where to go, I feel constant never ending dread and nothing legit works. Things that I enjoy doing become difficult and painful. No one actually understands how difficult it is to recover from years of trauma. I never have time or money for therapy. And even though I had nothing to do with it, I am in the middle, my brother sounded like he was mad at me for how our mother is treating him, like he resents me, one of my best friends doesn't like coming over much because of her. She has me do shit at home that she can do, I can discuss my plans to move out cause it becomes about her, I'm stuck, I can't be real and transparent. I'm so scared of pushing people away cause of how fucking damaged I am. Even if I told they won't, that trauma, that fear persists, HELL, I just lost a friend by being transparent. It isn't easy to break these trauma's, to stop thanking people for being there for cause it feels rare that I can rely and confide in people. I want to cry, be vulnerable with someone, but I can't, it's so hard that I pretend to be fine. I'm tired of feeling alone and like I'm fighting my battles alone. My parents screwed up, they do not treat my brother well, they treat him like a burden and practically use him and he knows this, they use us both.
Just a couple of days ago, I learned that my mother never informed my brother about Dad's condition change to terminal, he learned, from his girlfriend who saw my Tweet. He was livid and hurt by this. Back in 2015 my mother almost died, and I saved her, ever since then she has treated me like the favorite and I hate it. She pushed for my brother to move out, and now that he is successful and doing his best, Mom and Dad seem unimpressed and critical. My mother never likes talking to him, making excuses not to, deciding not to listen when he does, makes him feel bad when he doesn't have time to help us. My relationship with him has become strained because of that. In my mom's eyes I am the "Favorite". I hate it so damn much man and what sucks? When I was growing up I got NO help from my folks, I was kicked out of school in the 5th grade and barred from ever attending school again for my whole life for something I could not stop. My school took the side of my bullies, the sexual assault, the beatings and pain meant jack shit to my school system, I was a throw away with no way of getting justice. I was 11, kicked out when I turned 12, happy birthday. I had to learn on my own, get my GED on my own, study on my own, get a job on my own, my folks barely helped. My brother was their focus, they forced him to get his degree, they forced him to get a job, they forced him to get his license and a car. He never wanted to and he benefitted from it and now thrives, he's responsible, strong, hard working, a completely different person. But now? Our folks treat him like he isn't trying hard enough, like he's lazy and selfish. God I hate it. Now that I'm almost 30, working for not enough money, no license, no car, living with my folks still. Trying my hardest to become independent and like a real fucking person. But I'm still treated like I ain't trying hard enough, I'm procrastinating. I have no support at home, no where to go, I feel constant never ending dread and nothing legit works. Things that I enjoy doing become difficult and painful. No one actually understands how difficult it is to recover from years of trauma. I never have time or money for therapy. And even though I had nothing to do with it, I am in the middle, my brother sounded like he was mad at me for how our mother is treating him, like he resents me, one of my best friends doesn't like coming over much because of her. She has me do shit at home that she can do, I can discuss my plans to move out cause it becomes about her, I'm stuck, I can't be real and transparent. I'm so scared of pushing people away cause of how fucking damaged I am. Even if I told they won't, that trauma, that fear persists, HELL, I just lost a friend by being transparent. It isn't easy to break these trauma's, to stop thanking people for being there for cause it feels rare that I can rely and confide in people. I want to cry, be vulnerable with someone, but I can't, it's so hard that I pretend to be fine. I'm tired of feeling alone and like I'm fighting my battles alone. My parents screwed up, they do not treat my brother well, they treat him like a burden and practically use him and he knows this, they use us both.
ShyFoxFire
~shyfoxfire
Its ok to leave, your mom will have options, you don't owe her anything more than you already done. A parents job is to prepare and let children live their own life as an adult, not depend on them like some living self generating egg nest. People will understand, and the ones who don't probably aren't helping you much either. Ypu got options, just consider them and plan sccordingly.
