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Hurting So Much
3 years ago
I won't make excuses or call names or anything. I just wanted to express this small bit of myself out into the internet in the off chance someone sees this and it helps them, or maybe to help someone else not do something cruel.
If someone is toxic to you, it's okay to cut them out of your life. If someone has hurt you really badly, it's okay to not take their guff anymore. I support that fully. But also... it sucks when someone is trying their best and you don't even give them a chance. If someone has made it clear they'll never change, that's one thing. But to just cut someone out, out of the blue, without even telling them what's going on... it stings.
I won't name names. I don't even care if they read this. They made it clear they want nothing to do with me, even if I had to break a rule and common courtesy to hear that. I will admit I'm a flawed human. I try my best to be self-aware. I have issues. My biggest flaw is I hold grudges without meaning to. Not gonna make excuses for that. It was a learned behavior and I've been trying to unlearn it for a long time without help. I'm not good at it, though I try. I make mistakes and I'm not the best at comforting other people when I feel like I'm owed comfort for being so radically hurt.
Still. To utterly vanish on someone without even saying goodbye, and then to tell that person they're reacting angrily to a cold letter without speech or talking... that's cruel. That's utterly cruel.
I'm not going to ask to be friends anymore or beg, if that person does read this. I'll let it go, to prove I can. I lose either way. I lose a dear friend I love through letting them go, or I lose them through spewing vitriol and suffer consequences. I'm self-aware enough to not bother. I'll still miss them, and the fact they left me so suddenly and in such a cold way will hurt for a long, long time.
I beg anyone that reads this... don't hurt others this way. And for those that are hurting others, be okay with them telling you you're hurting them. Even if you're hurt, others are hurting, too, and more screaming doesn't help anymore than just doing nothing.
If someone is toxic to you, it's okay to cut them out of your life. If someone has hurt you really badly, it's okay to not take their guff anymore. I support that fully. But also... it sucks when someone is trying their best and you don't even give them a chance. If someone has made it clear they'll never change, that's one thing. But to just cut someone out, out of the blue, without even telling them what's going on... it stings.
I won't name names. I don't even care if they read this. They made it clear they want nothing to do with me, even if I had to break a rule and common courtesy to hear that. I will admit I'm a flawed human. I try my best to be self-aware. I have issues. My biggest flaw is I hold grudges without meaning to. Not gonna make excuses for that. It was a learned behavior and I've been trying to unlearn it for a long time without help. I'm not good at it, though I try. I make mistakes and I'm not the best at comforting other people when I feel like I'm owed comfort for being so radically hurt.
Still. To utterly vanish on someone without even saying goodbye, and then to tell that person they're reacting angrily to a cold letter without speech or talking... that's cruel. That's utterly cruel.
I'm not going to ask to be friends anymore or beg, if that person does read this. I'll let it go, to prove I can. I lose either way. I lose a dear friend I love through letting them go, or I lose them through spewing vitriol and suffer consequences. I'm self-aware enough to not bother. I'll still miss them, and the fact they left me so suddenly and in such a cold way will hurt for a long, long time.
I beg anyone that reads this... don't hurt others this way. And for those that are hurting others, be okay with them telling you you're hurting them. Even if you're hurt, others are hurting, too, and more screaming doesn't help anymore than just doing nothing.
In fairness, I did get an explanation, though not until I did some digging I shouldn't have done. The explanation made me more confused and frustrated because there was no way to talk about or argue with it or get a conclusion.
In the spirit of fairness, I wanted to make it clear; I messed up. I can see the ways I messed up. I deserved to be called out on it. But I wish they'd handled it better and given me the benefit of the doubt.
Thank you for your sympathy.