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Incoherent Ramblings.
3 years ago
General
(Update: Next day now, and this journal is a mess as is the mind that wrote it. I just dumped it all there and didn't even look to see if it made more sense. Under normal circumstances I'd probably make a new journal and I thought about taking this one down, I'll leave it up for now. Just know these are the deranged thoughts of a guy with no plan who really needs to make one somehow.)
I just tried to jump into bed and sleep all this off. Like I've done just about every other night this year. And I can't do it. I can't sleep, I can't think, I can't undo... until I get this off my chest.
We are well past the promise I made that I wouldn't do venting journals on here . Thing is, when you don't vent anything anywhere for 6 months, 6+, longer, when you save face around all your friends and the people who look up to you, you end up with some shit eating you inside. That's what's coming to the surface now, and there's gonna be no coherency or structure, I'm just going to write this journal until I get everything out and my brain switches off.
(And as just an aside before I start: This is all without even going into my *family* life. That... is such a blackface aristocrats SHITSHOW CIRCUS all on it's own... that I want it to be a nonfactor in everything I'm mentioning from here on out! And to prove it I'll say nothing more about it! On we go!)
When I jumped over to this account, I had the clearest idea in my head of what I wanted to do with it. That got muddied from time to time but it didn't change: a reboot. With myself now reestablished as my dragon I was going to do a webcomic, reintroducing him, establishing some things I never did before like how he met certain characters, their relationship within the world, the kinky shennanigans they get up to. >:3 I was passionate. I have entire chapters spinning my head of this, layouts for 30+ pages at a time. Of which I have done: two. Those two images I did around july last year if the last modified dates are to be believed, and they have sat in a folder on my desktop.
And sat. And sat. And sat and sat and sat.
And I have not been able to pick up the pen and work on it at all. Despite getting everything I could need in hand, a lot of little things stalled me: Should nick be a dragon for this? Should he be a human? Should he be something entirely different? I practically have a reputation as a polymorph at this point so really wouldn't surprise anyone if I came up with a new form tomorrow which I nearly did a couple of times, but I should really commit before I start this. Jesus I know another artist who completely redesigned their characters and is now redoing every single comic page of their 60+ comic page story and I can barely commit to two. And I can't decide, so there it sits.
So I put it out of my head and tell myself fine, I was still planning to do side pictures with no connection for a while, so I'll work on some of them. You saw the results of that at the end of last year, the giant sketch dump I did because I don't want to upload 7 million unfinished pictures again. And there's the keyword: Unfinished. Make no mistake, however other people looking in look at them: Those pictues to me are sketches. Unfinished work. I want to FINISH something. What did I finish last year? Oh... Four pictures. Of variable quailty. No consistency, mixed audience results. More relieved to get them done and out then I should've been to draw them. And now I have a mountain of 30+ unfinished pictures that I should really commit to and why can't I why can't my brain just fucking do this?! Same problems above bled in, some new ones why can't I just fucking work?
And then, another funny thing happens, and everything that was already swimming in uncertainty is now tsunami'd by it: a little show comes along called 101 dalmatian street and I fall in love with it. And before I know it, my brain has conjured up an entirely new thing, nick is suddenly a dragon in dalmatian disguise, the plot is laid out for cartoon hijinks but with a twist. I have new designs I have new characters I'm sketching out pages I'm writing plotlines I'm PASSIONATE again! This solves all the problems I was having right?
Well no because three things. 1: I don't want to introduce nick a a dalmatian in the initial comic, despite many people telling me the contrary it would undermine the impact of this one. And as a result of that 2: I don't want to do this one first. Do the dragon nick one, establish things anew, then come back to this one! 3: This one would be ENTIRELY SFW. It would be jarring to put it up on my page first given what I'm known for.
So I open the two ages again, and try to start drawing those pages... And they sit and they sit, and they sit... I'm not passionate about it now. So I go back to dalmatians, and I kinda get somewhere. Things start to establish but I can't do that one first! People will think I'm abandoning all they know me for to do schmucky SFW pictures. No-one cares about schmucky sfw pictures all they want is smut. I should do smut, what smut ideas do I have, sure let's do that for an hour don't want to do that anymore I should really go back to the comic fuck it sleep. Wake up I should really do the comic, sort this folder play game do dalmatian picture get somewhere no don't do that people will think I've given up on the dragon and gonna move accounts again do more dragon stuff do dragon stuff for half an hour pictures unfinished.
Meanwhile I glance at my pm's: "Hey nick where are you miss you wondering when you'll come back?" "Hey nick when are you open for commissions again love to get something from you?" Can't do commissions now have to focus on my own stuff "Hey nick art trade? I've already drawn your part here it is. "Well shit now I've got to catch up I don't want to leave you hanging, drop everything to do art trade and sit and sit and sit and sit.... "Hey nick love your new dalmatian look I already spoke to this artist about doing something with it hey you have another new sona coming soon don't you I've got a whole 30 page comic thing planned here's the discord room..." And sit and sit and sit.... "Oh hey nick is wolves still going awoo?"
Oh yeah wolves! Meanwhile on DA and FA: Oh da just implenented a new feature that let's art thieves run the roost? Okay screw DA then guess I'm taking my business elsewhere except I don't really have elsewhere I guess I'll just stick to FA oh look at these new sites popping up maybe I'll move to them whoops! These new sites declared SFW feral art more evil then shooting krystal in the head and now their site is on fire around them. It's almost like there's a big feral contingent as part of the furry fandom who'dve thunkit?! Well it's okay I've always got low effort FA to fall back on what's that? One of my favorite artists on FA just got suspended for feral art? And another got suspended and then permabaned for drawing paw patrol pictures? Well shit there goes some of the kinky paw patrol stuff I was going to finish, and I guess those 101 dalmatian stuff. Kinda makes me wonder if my own dalmatian and dragon thigns and wolves stand any chance, well shit who could I fall back on now pixiv don't let dicks up, inkbunny wont let humans up, I really don't like twitter but they allow almost anything so long as it's not illegal, maybe today will finally be the day I start up twitter properly OH WAIT ELON MUSK JUST BOUGHT IT AND NOW EVERYONE IS EXODUSING THERE GOES TWITTER!
FUCKING............................BREATHE.
I have spent 5 months sitting in stunned silence. Saving face around anyone who I know as friends. Saying I'd talk about this but I never do. Saying nothing's bothering me when I do. I have started picture after picture and gotten nowhere and had my morale shattered multiple times, I have wanted to block people, I have wanted to deactivate my account, I have wanted to delete the giant folder mess on my hard drive and be done with this forever!
And for some reason I can't pick I haven't. I've perserverered. I've expended every possible distraction, cleaned every possible cobweb in the house and my mind, worked to avoid every possible real life shitshow, sorted every possible pain my ass folder on this pc and made sure it's backed up in digital havens in case my pc explodes!. Looked through every possible thing in the giant trail of incomplete pictures I leave in my wake until there is NOTHING left! Until all I can do is sit down at this PC and WORK THIS SHIT OUT!
And I still can't do anything.
And I cannot just collapse into bed one more night with all of this floating around in my head.
I sit here, anxiety attack after anxiety attack, doing nothing, while every other artist I look up to leaves me in the dust. But people still say they want me back. I can't see why. I can't see any way to work that doesn't involve saying fuck you to every stupid platform we're forced to broadcat on on the web, or worse, just block out everyone and everything around me entirely. I've tried that. Tried solitude. It won't work either.
I think my head is finally getting it all out and drawing to a conclusion. I thought I might finally feel like sleeping after this but I can see things aren't going to be that kind, big surprise. And if you're expecting some kinda conclusion or some point to all of this where I ask for your help, no. This is the unleaded, unspellchecked ramblings of a completely unhinged individual, it had to come out and I don't know where to go from here or what to do.
I just don't know what to do.
I just tried to jump into bed and sleep all this off. Like I've done just about every other night this year. And I can't do it. I can't sleep, I can't think, I can't undo... until I get this off my chest.
We are well past the promise I made that I wouldn't do venting journals on here . Thing is, when you don't vent anything anywhere for 6 months, 6+, longer, when you save face around all your friends and the people who look up to you, you end up with some shit eating you inside. That's what's coming to the surface now, and there's gonna be no coherency or structure, I'm just going to write this journal until I get everything out and my brain switches off.
(And as just an aside before I start: This is all without even going into my *family* life. That... is such a blackface aristocrats SHITSHOW CIRCUS all on it's own... that I want it to be a nonfactor in everything I'm mentioning from here on out! And to prove it I'll say nothing more about it! On we go!)
When I jumped over to this account, I had the clearest idea in my head of what I wanted to do with it. That got muddied from time to time but it didn't change: a reboot. With myself now reestablished as my dragon I was going to do a webcomic, reintroducing him, establishing some things I never did before like how he met certain characters, their relationship within the world, the kinky shennanigans they get up to. >:3 I was passionate. I have entire chapters spinning my head of this, layouts for 30+ pages at a time. Of which I have done: two. Those two images I did around july last year if the last modified dates are to be believed, and they have sat in a folder on my desktop.
And sat. And sat. And sat and sat and sat.
And I have not been able to pick up the pen and work on it at all. Despite getting everything I could need in hand, a lot of little things stalled me: Should nick be a dragon for this? Should he be a human? Should he be something entirely different? I practically have a reputation as a polymorph at this point so really wouldn't surprise anyone if I came up with a new form tomorrow which I nearly did a couple of times, but I should really commit before I start this. Jesus I know another artist who completely redesigned their characters and is now redoing every single comic page of their 60+ comic page story and I can barely commit to two. And I can't decide, so there it sits.
So I put it out of my head and tell myself fine, I was still planning to do side pictures with no connection for a while, so I'll work on some of them. You saw the results of that at the end of last year, the giant sketch dump I did because I don't want to upload 7 million unfinished pictures again. And there's the keyword: Unfinished. Make no mistake, however other people looking in look at them: Those pictues to me are sketches. Unfinished work. I want to FINISH something. What did I finish last year? Oh... Four pictures. Of variable quailty. No consistency, mixed audience results. More relieved to get them done and out then I should've been to draw them. And now I have a mountain of 30+ unfinished pictures that I should really commit to and why can't I why can't my brain just fucking do this?! Same problems above bled in, some new ones why can't I just fucking work?
And then, another funny thing happens, and everything that was already swimming in uncertainty is now tsunami'd by it: a little show comes along called 101 dalmatian street and I fall in love with it. And before I know it, my brain has conjured up an entirely new thing, nick is suddenly a dragon in dalmatian disguise, the plot is laid out for cartoon hijinks but with a twist. I have new designs I have new characters I'm sketching out pages I'm writing plotlines I'm PASSIONATE again! This solves all the problems I was having right?
Well no because three things. 1: I don't want to introduce nick a a dalmatian in the initial comic, despite many people telling me the contrary it would undermine the impact of this one. And as a result of that 2: I don't want to do this one first. Do the dragon nick one, establish things anew, then come back to this one! 3: This one would be ENTIRELY SFW. It would be jarring to put it up on my page first given what I'm known for.
So I open the two ages again, and try to start drawing those pages... And they sit and they sit, and they sit... I'm not passionate about it now. So I go back to dalmatians, and I kinda get somewhere. Things start to establish but I can't do that one first! People will think I'm abandoning all they know me for to do schmucky SFW pictures. No-one cares about schmucky sfw pictures all they want is smut. I should do smut, what smut ideas do I have, sure let's do that for an hour don't want to do that anymore I should really go back to the comic fuck it sleep. Wake up I should really do the comic, sort this folder play game do dalmatian picture get somewhere no don't do that people will think I've given up on the dragon and gonna move accounts again do more dragon stuff do dragon stuff for half an hour pictures unfinished.
Meanwhile I glance at my pm's: "Hey nick where are you miss you wondering when you'll come back?" "Hey nick when are you open for commissions again love to get something from you?" Can't do commissions now have to focus on my own stuff "Hey nick art trade? I've already drawn your part here it is. "Well shit now I've got to catch up I don't want to leave you hanging, drop everything to do art trade and sit and sit and sit and sit.... "Hey nick love your new dalmatian look I already spoke to this artist about doing something with it hey you have another new sona coming soon don't you I've got a whole 30 page comic thing planned here's the discord room..." And sit and sit and sit.... "Oh hey nick is wolves still going awoo?"
Oh yeah wolves! Meanwhile on DA and FA: Oh da just implenented a new feature that let's art thieves run the roost? Okay screw DA then guess I'm taking my business elsewhere except I don't really have elsewhere I guess I'll just stick to FA oh look at these new sites popping up maybe I'll move to them whoops! These new sites declared SFW feral art more evil then shooting krystal in the head and now their site is on fire around them. It's almost like there's a big feral contingent as part of the furry fandom who'dve thunkit?! Well it's okay I've always got low effort FA to fall back on what's that? One of my favorite artists on FA just got suspended for feral art? And another got suspended and then permabaned for drawing paw patrol pictures? Well shit there goes some of the kinky paw patrol stuff I was going to finish, and I guess those 101 dalmatian stuff. Kinda makes me wonder if my own dalmatian and dragon thigns and wolves stand any chance, well shit who could I fall back on now pixiv don't let dicks up, inkbunny wont let humans up, I really don't like twitter but they allow almost anything so long as it's not illegal, maybe today will finally be the day I start up twitter properly OH WAIT ELON MUSK JUST BOUGHT IT AND NOW EVERYONE IS EXODUSING THERE GOES TWITTER!
FUCKING............................BREATHE.
I have spent 5 months sitting in stunned silence. Saving face around anyone who I know as friends. Saying I'd talk about this but I never do. Saying nothing's bothering me when I do. I have started picture after picture and gotten nowhere and had my morale shattered multiple times, I have wanted to block people, I have wanted to deactivate my account, I have wanted to delete the giant folder mess on my hard drive and be done with this forever!
And for some reason I can't pick I haven't. I've perserverered. I've expended every possible distraction, cleaned every possible cobweb in the house and my mind, worked to avoid every possible real life shitshow, sorted every possible pain my ass folder on this pc and made sure it's backed up in digital havens in case my pc explodes!. Looked through every possible thing in the giant trail of incomplete pictures I leave in my wake until there is NOTHING left! Until all I can do is sit down at this PC and WORK THIS SHIT OUT!
And I still can't do anything.
And I cannot just collapse into bed one more night with all of this floating around in my head.
I sit here, anxiety attack after anxiety attack, doing nothing, while every other artist I look up to leaves me in the dust. But people still say they want me back. I can't see why. I can't see any way to work that doesn't involve saying fuck you to every stupid platform we're forced to broadcat on on the web, or worse, just block out everyone and everything around me entirely. I've tried that. Tried solitude. It won't work either.
I think my head is finally getting it all out and drawing to a conclusion. I thought I might finally feel like sleeping after this but I can see things aren't going to be that kind, big surprise. And if you're expecting some kinda conclusion or some point to all of this where I ask for your help, no. This is the unleaded, unspellchecked ramblings of a completely unhinged individual, it had to come out and I don't know where to go from here or what to do.
I just don't know what to do.
Your friends are here to help you. If you're having trouble talking or communicating, poke one of the folks you trust most and try to work that out. Without communication, you are all alone and sounds to me, that's not a good thing.
I want to see you better. I want my friend back.
I can offer you a few advices: talk to your friends and your friendly family members. Do a Hobby or find a hobby to get some relief.
Forget about the stress, go for a walk and try to find some sleep.
Find some 'me time' cook a great meal just for you.
You can even train.
When your mind and body are relaxed enough, then the inspiration will return.
In my case I completely ignored all the (for me) toxic media. Since I ditched Facebook, Twitter and all that dating website mess I felt a lot better. Free.
After my severe Corona Infection I started to train again. My hair had gotten some gray strains and I started to take dancing lessons as a therapy.
Then I used a really helpful 3 step 'depression Antidote':
1: If a bad thought comes, counter with a good thought
2: If the thought is too dark, don't grasp it and just let it pass like a cloud.
3: If even that doesn't help: shout 'stop' in you mind or speak it out when the dark thought comes.
You can train your 'ratio', it is a servant who wants to help you, but you have to condition it.
I can tell you it helps, a lot.
Don't put too much pressure upon yourself.
Good luck with your journey, you can do this!
PS: I always enjoyed your art and can't wait for it to continue. So what when it takes longer, you are the boss and not us.
Don't get ponyfied ;)
It can be a better world, but it'll take a lot of doing and it's nothing I'd ask you to do on your own. Until it gets better... survive and love yourself. All I can really ask.