Someone asked me if I was okay tonight, and without even needing time to think about it. I responded nope.

This isn't really a rant, or perhaps it is. I have just been going through some things lately. Some are of my own design because of how my personality and mind work. Others are direct or indirect actions, words, or lack of both of other people. This is more to be upfront with people who are concerned about me and it's easier to do this than have to constantly repeated to people that ask.

1: I started a job a few months ago and honestly, I am happy I have one. But it's still stressful as the days and hours can be erratic.

2: I moved in with my brother, I am grateful for the free rent, in exchange for working on the yard and house upkeep and repairs. However, I have very little privacy as my brother habitually comes in talking and making me stop whatever I am doing so I can figure out what the heck he is talking about. Not only that but he backed out of an agreement we had before he bought the house and that has very much rubbed me the wrong way to the point that I feel that despite loving my brother and being grateful for the place to stay, I cannot trust that he won't change his mind on something if he finds it convenient. I do not have the money to get my own place right now and half of my belongings are in his barn.

3: I absolutely love my friends. I appreciate them greatly and tend to enjoy spending time with them. However, I am tired of feeling like I am in the way, or that we aren't friends anymore because things aren't the way they used to be. Granted, this could be my own warped perception and seeing something that isn't there. But I am tired of feeling like that regardless. I like being silly, stupid, off the wall, and random. If that makes people uncomfortable then I just don't need to be around them anymore. It's sad and I hope it doesn't go that way. But I am exhausted. I hate not being able to talk about characters or stupid stuff with my friends. I understand people change and they might not like that kinda stuff anymore. But when someone does that thing with others and is no longer with me. Then I obviously feel like I have done something wrong. No amount of "it's not you, it's me" is going to change that feeling.

4: I have found that I am very clingy to my friends because I am very bad at making and keeping them. I don't know what I do wrong, but the result is me tightly clinging to the few I have. I am uncomfortable around groups of people unless I have something to distract me. I have also found that people tend to be very put off by my "weirdness" or because I, unfortunately, say or do things before I think. This is the result of Asbergers and having no friends to hang around to build real-life social skills. I am highly apologetic, paranoid, and can get depressed. But give me a day or two and I'll snap out of it until it hits again. It's basically like a mental "cold" or allergies. Miserable for a short time but then boom you get better. I am quite aware of most of my problematic aspects and I do try to work on them. I have some wonderful friends that are willing to put up with this and other friends that don't want to but decide it's more polite to not say anything so nothing ever gets resolved.

5: I want to improve myself and have a severe lack of motivation when it comes to myself. This of course is my own doing and I blame no one by myself. But as a result, it does cause a perpetual state of stress. I like helping people, I also have a strong desire to be acknowledged. I don't help people because I want the acknowledgment, I genuinely like doing so. But I can't help but still want validation that I have a right to exist or that I am not an annoying useless thing that others barely tolerate because they want to be polite. I live because I am stubborn. I hate anything threatening my life including myself. I don't care where my thoughts go, how I feel, or what others say. You want to take me out. I will bloody fight tooth and nail out of rage-filled spite. I may have little to no self-esteem, and I might feel that people would be better off if I wasn't around. (Being a hermit, not killing myself) but I was given the right to exist and live and no one is going to take that from me without a fight, not even myself. That said, it doesn't stop the paranoia, the guilt, the sense of worthlessness, or that I will always be annoying know it screws up that can't survive on his own and desperately tries to amass any knowledge that should I end up homeless for whatever reason in the future. I can eat fracking roots, bark, and grass to survive and dig a fracking den in the ground. I have wonderful friends that try to tell me all of this is nonsense and I greatly appreciate their words and attempts. But it doesn't erase the feelings and throughts. So I have to fight that every moment of my life because I want to be happy instead of miserable.

6: I want a family of my own. I want kids. I want to live my own dreams just like everyone else wants to. But as I mentioned before, I have some pretty serious personality flaws. Not only that but I am asexual and possibly aromantic. Basically, I have never felt the sexual attraction to others or romantic feelings that many others seem to be able to. I have dated, I have tried sex as well as trying to be intimate. And the best I can be is a doll. I can't seem to feel what the other person wants me to feel. I can mimic actions, I can try to please the other person, but I generally don't get anything in return and oftentimes cannot offer what the other is wanting. When I have tried having sex, I talk, I mean I honestly rather talk than do the sex stuff. I just can't get into it. I cannot look at someone and tell them hey you look cute and mean it in the way they want it. There have been people I like the person they are enough that I wouldn't mind trying a relationship. But I feel it is unfair to them because I cannot give them what I feel they deserve.

I could go on about things, but honestly, I think I have written enough about the situation. Am I okay? No. Am I trying to be okay, and sometimes successful at it at times? Yes. I am just exhausted and want to take a break from it but know that there is no break and probably never will be one.